Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Premature Transmutation

Druid’s Rules for Dating Kitsune

1. Invest in lint rollers. Like, a lot of lint rollers. You might think your woodland friends shed, but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen nine tails worth of winter coat blow out. 
2. Find your mutual interests. If he’s a master huntsman and you’re a conservationist, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to fail! Invasive species like orcs, malicious fey, and “settlers” always need culling. 
3. Get used to fox form. Yes, there will be days when you’d rather take the scenic route as a falcon or stretch your legs as a deer. But when your significant other can’t become a significant otter, you’ve got to make allowances. Leaving your partner miles behind is an invitation to puppy dog eyes, and kitsune excel at puppy dog eyes. (Seriously, it’s unfair how cute they are!)
4. Who doesn’t love a little necking? I for one enjoy a playful nip during makeout time. Be careful though! In the heat of the moment, that playful nip can turn into 1d4 + Str worth of overzealousness. In other words, watch out for that (love) bite attack! 
5. A good sense of humor is important in every relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with inveterate tricksters and mischief makers. They may not like to admit it, but all the lore says that practical jokes are an artform in traditional kitsune society. I’ve had enough smoke arrows show up in my component pouch to believe it.  

Arcane Archer’s Rules for Dating an Elf

1. Elves have their own sense of good taste, and it may clash with yours. I mean this in a literal sense. Discuss beforehand who will order the wine, and whether your meal will pair better with the vintage of the grape or the rice paddy. 
2. Work on your accent. Translating one’s poetry is never a simple feat, but complimenting an elf maid’s perfume is but an “ëa” from complimenting her cankles. 
3. The small animals kept in the house are “woodland friends,” not “prey.” Yes, even the mice. 
4. Honored ancestors among the elves lie twined beneath the roots of trees. It is a beautiful tradition, symbolizing rebirth and merging at the end of a long life with the spirit of the forest. Learn the locations of these sacred groves before setting out to mark your territory. 
5. If your lover should possess such a thing as an “animal companion,” endeavor to earn its friendship. I have had a great many of my +1 smoke arrows go missing, and I suspect that the tiny hands of an allosaurus are more dexterous than they appear.
6. Be prepared for uncomfortable conversations. The baculum is unknown among elven males, and will likely elicit comment if not outright alarm.