William Brandes Stoddard

The Wizards Who Don't Do Anything

Added 2021-02-23 20:55:18 +0000 UTC

With deepest apologies to all involved...

And now it’s time for “Silly Songs with Dalamar,” the part of the show where Dalamar comes out and sings a silly song.
Joining Dalamar are Mordenkainen and Elminster, who together make up
The infamous gang of scholarly wags, the Wizards Who Don’t Do Anything.

We are the Wizards Who Don’t Do Anything!
We just stay home and read a lot
And if you ask us to do wizarding, we’ll just tell you
We don’t do anything!

[Verse 1: Mordenkainen]

Well, I’ve never been to Theros
And I’ve never been to Ravnica
And I’ve never dug up secrets among the tomes of Candlekeep
And I’ve never been to Netheril
And I won’t go back to SPOILERS
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

[Chorus: Wizards]

[Verse 2: Elminster]

Well I never find familiars
And I never teach apprentices
And I never consult star charts
‘Cause I never cast at all
And I’ve never tried a cantrip
And I’ve never shifted planes
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

[Chorus: Wizards]

[Verse 3: Dalamar]

Well, I’ve never plucked a cockatrice
And don’t call me a drow
And I can’t get you that interview
With Takhisis at all
And I’ve never studied gully dwarf
And I’ve never gotten ear seekers
And I’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!

[Spoken]

M: Huh? What are you talking about? What does a cockatrice or Takhisis have to do with being a wizard?
E: Hey, that’s right! We’re supposed to sing about wizardy stuff!
M: And who’s ever studied gully dwarf? They’re racist nonsense, why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?
E: I think you look like Todd Kenreck
M: Huh? No I don’t
E: Do too
M: Do not
E: You’re making me CENSORED
M: That’s it, you’re getting banished
E: Says who?
M: Says Idle Champions
E: Oh yeah? Aye, aye, Champion Avren, sir!
M: Mirror image!
E: Yikes!

[Verse 4: Dalamar]

And I’ve never served the Old One
And I’ve never held Blackrazor
And I’ve never painted Nolzur’s
Marvelous pigments on a wall
And I’ve never tasted green slime
And I don’t look good in White Robes
[All] And we’ve never been to Luskan in the fall!