November 2022 Side Story: Pine Crush

I ran through the rain, sneakers pounding on the tree-lined gravel drive that led up to my new school. Late on my first day! I swore and kept running, swiping my long hair out of my face with a hand, only for another few damp strands to find their way into my mouth. I spat and pulled at them without slowing down. I must have looked a mess.

Way to make a first impression, Zarenna, I thought glumly.

Six new schools in as many years. At least this would be the last one, given that I was late now to my first day of senior year. Cliched as it was, I’d set my alarm wrong. With Kartania getting ready for middle school ahead of me, no one thought to check if I was up and getting ready until it was almost too late.

I’d actually lucked out by choosing to go really light on the makeup (not that I had much time to spare). My hood kept my face somewhat dry, and I hoped nothing was smudged—or uneven. I didn’t have a lot of time since today was also an injection morning. Hormone replacement therapy, specifically. I’d been on it for years now, but I still felt out of place. For one thing, estrogen hadn’t done anything to limit my height. I was normally confident, and all my documents were correct, but that didn’t stop my nervousness. Everything would probably be fine, but it was still a new school in a small town and I was going to be the new girl who was a head taller than all the guys.

I hadn’t quite managed to pull myself out of my own cloud-height head by the time I landed a cold, wet hand on the front door handle. My first class was English, and the small size of the school saved me. I squelched into the classroom moments before the bell rang.

And, predictably, all eyes went straight to me.

The teacher, a woman in a knee-length lavender dress with pink-highlighted hair and thick-framed glasses, gaped at me for a moment before recovering. “Alright,” she cleared her throat, “you must be Miss Miller! Go ahead and introduce yourself, dear.”

I tried to compose myself. Pulling my hood back, I spent a second to fix my long black hair and straighten my jacket. “H-hi,” I gulped and dripped a little more water onto the floor. “I’m Zarenna Miller. Just transferred here from Lockmoth.”

“Why are you so tall?” someone asked from near the back, her tone mocking.

“Uh—"

“That’s a rather pointed question, Jane.” The teacher came to my defense, smile somehow both warm and chilling. “I’m Mrs. Travend, but you can call me Lilly if you’d like. Jane was just about to run to the gym and get you a towel. Let me know if you have any questions about Pinewold High after the lesson, okay? It’s the first day, so hopefully I’ll be able to answer everything before you need to ask!”

I nodded, watching the admonished and red-cheeked Jane get up and scurry out of the classroom, brown curls bouncing frantically. Note to self: do not misbehave in Lilly’s class.

I took the open seat in the back, a couple desks away from the girl who’d asked about my height. No way I’d want to plop down in front of anyone and block their view. Folding my legs under the seat, I managed to neatly cram myself in place.

The girl at the next desk over glared at me while Lilly started to hand out copies of a syllabus. I mouthed sorry at her, and she turned her head pointedly away, chin up. Hey, it wasn’t my fault your friend got in trouble! I wasn’t even that mad about the comment, honest! All things I wanted to say, but I kept my trap shut for fear of just making things worse.

I stayed quiet and paid attention as best I could. Jane returned with a towel a few minutes later and threw the rolled-up cylinder of fluff at me. I caught it and replied to her glare with a “thanks.” I endured a few more jibes over the course of the class; I didn’t respond to any of the comments from what I realized was a group of three girls.

Lilly was a good teacher, and I had her again for another class before lunch. The class in the middle didn’t have the same group that seemed to have an issue with me—the school was somehow just big enough for two classes per year.

Walking to lunch, however, I ran into all three of them in the hallway after figuring out my locker and getting everything (now finally dry!) put away in it.

“You should apologize,” one of them whose name I didn’t know smirked.

I nodded and forced a smile. “I’m sorry you got in trouble for asking why I was tall, Jane. I didn’t mind the comment, honest.”

Jane sputtered. The third stayed silent.

The one who’d spoken up, who had long blond hair and an aggressive mien, turned her shocked look into a sneer. “Not about that, idiot. Apologize for being so tall—you’re giving all us girls a bad look.”

That one hurt—and hit a little too close to home with my anxieties. “What do you want me to do about it?” I growled. I had no intention of doing anything, of course; I liked being tall.

“Apologize, that’s what,” Jane said smarmily.

“No way.” I stepped to one side and started walking around the trio.

They all moved to block my path. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Lunch,” I replied coldly, done with their nonsense.

“Not before you apologize for real,” Jane said like she’d won.

I walked forward. Slowly. Rather than be pushed aside, the trio slowly backed off into a gap I could get through and walk quickly away.

The blond one shouted after me, “just wait until Seyari gets back—she won’t let you walk all over people!”

Seyari? I thought back to class, but the name was unfamiliar. There had been a couple empty seats today—was she absent on the first day of the year? I didn’t end up asking any teachers. Rather, I put my head down and focused on figuring out what each class was going to be like. By the time I’d gotten home, I’d almost forgotten about the comment.

***

I triple checked my alarm this time and woke up the next morning with plenty of time to get ready. I dressed up, even. And I remembered to take an umbrella for the walk to school. I wasn’t reminded of this Seyari person, but I did notice a studious-looking girl with silver dyed hair and gold contacts who was sitting in the back writing something when I walked in early.

I gave a “hey” since the classroom was mostly empty. She looked up at me, moving her head as little as possible. Her stare was cold and she didn’t reply.

Oookay then.

I sat down a couple seats away from here in the desk I’d claimed yesterday and played around on my phone until the clique from yesterday all walked in together. They started pestering the silver-haired girl, and that was when the name from yesterday clicked. Seyari.

I glanced over. Seyari looked like she was hardly paying attention to the three and their very false account of all the bad things I’d done on my first day. I was about to correct them with Lilly walked in and called the class to attention. With the teacher constantly looking our way, I made it through English unscathed.

This time, the clique from yesterday didn’t wait until lunch to accost me. Seyari headed the group with visible disinterest: a kind of cold detachment that just made me wonder if she had any real friends. An odd stray thought, but I hadn’t seen a single other person so much as approach her while the class was filing in.

“You,” she addressed me, voice as cold as her demeanor. “Apologize.”

“For what?” I cocked an eyebrow, mostly faking my bravado.

“What do you think it’s for?” Seyari asked, hand idly on a hip, but eyes seemingly interested in an answer.

“For being tall?” I shrugged. “I already apologized for Jane getting in trouble for commenting on my height in Lilly’s English class.”

Seyari studied my face. I kept my gaze level and somehow didn’t flinch.

“I see. Well, this was a waste of my time.” She turned and strode off through the stunned trio, presumably to her next class.

“I, uh, gotta go too,” I gestured over to my shoulder. “No hard feelings and I’ll see you third period, I guess.” I jogged off, turning to a different hallway from where Seyari was walking casually away.

***

I was thoroughly distracted all through my next two classes. Worse yet, I didn’t have Seyari in either of my classes before then, although I did find out she was a senior as well. I wanted to talk to her, for whatever reason. I didn’t understand why she’d hang out with the other girls when she seemed so uncaring. Lunch rolled around and I got my chance. Seyari was sitting at a corner table, alone, trying hard to affect a disinterested air. If I hadn’t done the same so many times in my life, I doubt I’d have picked up on it. I crammed my tray with as many sides as I thought I could get away with and plopped down across from her.

“Hey,” I said lamely.

“Hey,” she replied, a hint of wide-eyed surprise cracking her bored expression.

“Sorry about earlier,” I apologized uselessly, unsure of what else to say.

She pushed a grape around one pocket of the tray idly. “Don’t be sorry. Not like it was your fault.”

I swallowed a big bite of slightly-frozen lettuce. “Sor—uh, sure. I like your hair.” The compliment just slipped out.

Seyari stopped eating and looked at me, gold eyes meeting my own blue ones. “You actually mean that, don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah.” I rubbed the side of my neck nervously. A quick glance around showed a fair few eyes looking our way.

Seyari looked down at her tray and whispered. “Thanks. I, uh, think your eyes are pretty, I guess.”

My heart skipped a beat. The compliment hit me hard—and in a very good way. “Thanks,” I mumbled.

“You should really sit somewhere else,” Seyari said loudly with a glance at our spectators.

“No way.” I shook my head. Why did she feel like she needed to say that?

Seyari frowned, but didn’t push the point. “Fine. I guess I can’t stop you.”

“Darn right!” I smiled genuinely.

In the middle of drinking, Seyari stopped suddenly and coughed.

“Sorry!” I immediately leaned forward. “Are you alright?”

Still coughing, Seyari nodded then met my gaze, searching again.

“You’re a total dork.” Her words were sudden, impulsive compared to the rest of what she’d said to me so far.

“Sure am,” I confirmed with a sharp nod. “You’re alright though, right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

After a look at the wandering eyes watching us, Seyari closed herself off for the rest of the lunch. When I got back to my locker, I paused. What had I been thinking? Was I flirting? I couldn’t deny Seyari was cute, but was I too forward? Does it count if I was unaware? Yes, but…

Did she feel the same way?

I shook the thoughts away and grabbed my things for the next class. The clique stopped near me again, without Seyari, and I pushed past them, eyes forward and thoughts trying desperately to stay on the next class. I didn’t hear any of what they said to me.

Seyari and I shared the last two classes. This time, we greeted each other, and I felt more than saw a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips both times. All that not-smile did was make me want to know more.

I got to find out more once school ended for the day. I was a little late after struggling with my locker, and she met me a short way down the road.

Seyari walked out from behind a tree, like a scene from a movie. “I know what you’re trying to do. You should stop.” Her posture was forward and aggressive.

“Sure,” I agreed after a moment of hesitation.

Seyari deflated.

She’d expected and argument, or a fight, I realized.

“Just like that, huh,” she muttered, not yet turning to leave.

The last stragglers from our school passed by on the road, and some gave us curious looks. I glared at them—this was private! Kinda!

“Yeah,” I turned back from glaring to respond to Seyari. “Just like that. I’m sorry for earlier if it made you uncomfortable, too.”

“Why?” Anger crept into her voice

“What?” I asked, honest in my confusion.

“How?” Seyari stomped a foot down on the gravel. “How are you like this!?”

“Like what,” I asked, suddenly worried. I wanted to float through this year, head down and without rocking the boat. “If there’s any issues, I can try to be better about—”

“Stop!”

I stopped.

Seyari’s eyes searched mine. Whatever she was looking for, she didn’t find. “You… you actually don’t get it, do you?”

“I’m sorry, but—”

“Stop apologizing!”

“Sor—okay,” I about bit my tongue to stop the next reflexive apology. Slowly, I continued, “What don’t I get?”

“You’re too nice! Impossibly nice!” Seyari shouted. A few crows flew out of a nearby tree, startled.

I almost apologized again. “I, uh, what do you want me to do about it.”

Seyari heaved a sigh and shook her head. “You’re impossible. Actually impossible.”

I just nodded.

“Do you know how hard I’ve worked at being cool and unapproachable? And how quickly you’re ruining it?” Seyari clenched her fists and glared at me.

Now, it was my turn to ask a question. “Why?”

“What.”

“Why did you make yourself unapproachable?”

Seyari slumped back and her face twisted, caught completely off-guard again. “Well…”

“You seem nice actually,” I said before my brain could process what my mouth was doing. Words tumbled out like water out of a fountain. “Earlier, you assumed your friend was right, but got my side before you made a judgment. At lunch, I had nowhere to sit and you helped me feel comfortable. And you’re the only person so far to say ‘hello’ back to me.”

The last statement hit Seyari like a physical blow. “R-really?”

“Yeah, really.” I left off that I hadn’t tried more than a few people so far.

“I, uh…” she trailed off, staring down at her feet instead of up at me. The demure look didn’t suit her.

I took a step forward, then hesitated and stopped. “Look, uh, I can stop if you want. You have an image to maintain, I get it. I think I’d really like to be your friend, but that sort of thing only works both ways, so I won’t try if you don’t want me to.”

Seyari’s shoulder shook. “Stop… please.”

I clamped my mouth shut. The apology I wanted to say came out as an unintelligible whisper.

“You wouldn’t say any of this if you knew.”

I didn’t ask “knew what.” Instead, I replied, as honestly as I could. “Maybe, but I doubt it. I don’t know you much yet, but I’m not going to judge you for old stuff—just for who you are.”

Seyari looked up at me with wet eyes shining gold. Her gaze darted over my face, and I grew increasingly worried. Before I could make more words, She blinked away the forming tears and stood straight up. “Harris trail.”

“Huh?”

“Tomorrow after school,” Seyari continued, heedless of my confusion. “I walk up to the overlook sometimes. It’s nice.”

“What do you—” I started to ask, but Seyari had already turned and started to jog away. The jog turned into a sprint and I was left there dumbfounded.

Is this a date?

***

I treated it like one. I didn’t try to dress up too much—I had school to go to after all. But I did do more than usual with my eyeshadow; several greens blended from my favorite palette. I also wore a cute black midi skirt (and thick leggings for the autumn chill) with a nice, slightly frilly purple blouse that complemented my eyeshadow. I hadn’t really thought through that Seyari would also get to see the outfit all day.

When Seyari walked into Lilly’s first period English class, she was wearing a graphic t-shirt with a dragon and the word “Atagor” on it, torn jeans, and spiked bracelets. Seyari had also spent some time working on the “no makeup” look, now with minimalist eyeliner. It suited her, and I noticed with some glee that she hadn’t worn eyeliner the day before.

Coincidence? Maybe.

We both greeted each other, but nothing else. The clique had moved on to some other target, and paid me relatively little heed. During lunch, Seyari disappeared; I didn’t go looking for her.

I’d looked up the trailhead the night before, and headed straight there after school. Seyari and I didn’t share our last class together, but I was still surprised to see she beat me there. She had her phone out and was leaning against the worn-looking sign. The formerly cold girl looked cool and collected, and her silver hair almost seemed to glow when the afternoon sun peeked through the clouds.

“Hi!” I jogged up, daring to wear a big smile.

“Hey.” The corners of her lips quirked up in a smile. “You sure you want to hike in that? It’s not a short trail.”

“Good thing I’m not short then!” I put my hands on my hips and watched the normally ice-cold girl barely suppress a giggle. “But seriously, I’ll probably be fine. I’m wearing boots—not practical boots, but they have to be good for something right?”

Seyari stood up off the signpost and walked a step closer, looking me over. “At least they’re not platforms. Let’s go.”

I nodded and took off after her. Seyari hadn’t been lying about the hike. The trail wound and twisted, switchbacking up the deceptively steep hillside. All around us, the petrichor of recent rains drew up into a fine mist that smelled of pine and damp earth. The trees around us went from small huddled twigs to massive, towering giants.

I was glad to be in good shape, especially since Seyari set an unforgiving pace.

“Shouldn’t we slow down?” I asked, huffing lightly. We’d been walking too fast to even really talk.

“Do you want to get back before nightfall or not?” she teased with a smile. Her cheeks and nose were reddened from the chill of the autumn air, but her breathing was steady.

“Alright, fine,” I replied, rising to the challenge. “Less talking and more moving then.”

With a smile, Seyari nodded and we picked up the pace even more. Soon we were jogging up the hillside, my boots and her sneakers crunching wetly through rust-colored needles and splashing at the edges of mud puddles.

We reached the end of the trail well before the sun had started to set. I skidded to a halt beside Seyari and put my hands on my knees, panting. My hair must have been a wind-torn mess like her own, but I couldn’t care less.

“That—huff—was fun!” I straightened back up and hummed as my back popped.

Seyari took a deep breath and exhaled it. “Yeah, it was. Thanks.”

I tilted my head for one side. “For what?”

“For, uh,” she paused and frowned. “Your hair looks awful.”

I laughed. “Yours, too.” I didn’t push the subject.

The ghost of a smile played across her lips.

“We’re early for the sunset if you want to talk,” I offered.

Seyari glanced behind her at the view beyond. The afternoon sun hung low in the sky, and the whole town of Pinewold sprawled out lazily in the forest below. Somewhere in the distance, a ribbon of interstate crossed the glittering band of a river.

She held her gaze there for a long moment. “You sure you want to listen?”

“Yep!” I bounced up beside her, looking mostly out at the view, but also at her conflicted face.

“You don’t know what…” Seyari trailed off.

“Stop,” I cut in as kindly as I could. “You’re right—I don’t know. But I want to. If you’re not comfortable, we don’t have to talk about anything.”

Seyari turned to me, hardly even a step away—so close I could feel her body heat in the chill air. “Why are you like this?” Her eyes bored past my own gaze, trying to search deeper.

“Blame a good friend of mine.” I felt tears start to form suddenly and blinked them away. “She taught me how to listen—like, really listen. Even if she was a goofball all the time, she got people. She understood me better than I did. The last gift she ever gave me was my name, and a message to go make us both proud.”

“Oh,” Seyari tore her eyes away from mine, turning her head down and away while biting her lower lip. “I, well, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine,” I cut her off, mostly truthfully. “I don’t want to make things about me. It’s just that you asked and…” I trailed off, suddenly feeling like a jerk.

“Thanks for trusting me with that,” Seyari said, her voice smaller and more vulnerable than I could have imagined coming from her.

“I, uh…” I couldn’t think of what to say.

We stood for a long moment, looking awkwardly at each other and the trail behind us, then Seyari turned back to the panoramic view. “We have a few minutes, if you still want to listen. I’ll try to go fast.”

I looked at the sun, much lower in the sky than moments ago. I shook my head and used that time to form words. “No—I mean yes. Take the time you need, okay?”

Seyari looked like she wanted to protest, one hand holding the other and her pose uncertain. I took the opportunity to sit down on a mostly dry rock, patting the space next to me.

Finding her conviction, Seyari nodded. “Thanks, Zarenna.”

“You’re welcome!” I beamed.

Suddenly confident, Seyari walked over and sat down next to me. She didn’t quite lean into me, but I didn’t push. Voice somber, she started her story. I listened at rapt attention, sometimes fighting fury at what she’d gone through.

She’s my age! No one should…

The sun had just set under a sky of brilliant reds and violets by the end. With the temperature dropping precipitously (and for no other reason, surely) Seyari had leaned fully onto me and our hands were intertwined. We went no further than that, but our dark, stumbling, walk back down the hill had a sort of magic quality.

“Thanks,” she said when we’d gotten to the trailhead and the dim road back to town.

“For bringing a flashlight?” I asked, flickering the beam up into the mostly-dark sky.

Seyari giggled. “Not that. Well, yes actually, but thanks for listening.”

“Of course.” I put the flashlight back down and nodded seriously. “Thank you for trusting me with all that. I know we only just met but—”

“I think we get along pretty well despite that,” Seyari finished, with a real, genuine smile that reached her golden eyes.

I nodded happily: this year will be just fine.