The Simulacrum - Chapter 55 - Part 3

Slowly. Very, very slowly. The trick was to move with deliberate, smooth movements and— Okay, that's one side done. Now, I just had to move this arm to the side a little aaaand...

"Finally..." I whispered under a breath of relief, and then I promptly slipped down the side of the bed. However, the moment my foot touched the floor, my whole body stiffened in alarm.

"Mmm..."

Holding my breath like my life depended on it, I warily glanced over to my left, towards the source of the sleepy mumble that made me halt on my tracks. I stayed perfectly still for what felt like at least two thirds of an eternity, and only let out a tiny sigh once I was sure the crisis had passed.

It took me a subjectively long time to do it, but I was finally back on my own two feet. I promptly stretched my back, after which I glanced over my shoulder towards my bed, or rather, the two girls on it.

The three of us stayed up until eleven, watching movies and discussing things, at which point it felt like some kind of switch flipped inside the two them from 'energetic' to 'sleepy'. Normally I would have found their behavior really cute, with all the yawning and eye-rubbing, but then came an issue I failed to consider ahead of time: they wanted to sleep together. Or rather, Elly wanted to, after Judy told her about how she slept on my bed once.

This was, of course, absolutely impossible due to the fact that I didn't sleep. This wasn't exactly a big secret, so I let my draconic girlfriend in on it, yet it did nothing to deter her, so in the end we reached a compromise; I would stay with them until they fall asleep, and then I would slip out once they were neck deep in dreamland. Or, as my assistant put it, 'once Judy-bot is dreaming of electric sheep'. 

Sounded like a nice middle ground, except for one tiny issue: as it turned out, my girlfriends were super-clingy, even in their sleep. No, I should say especially in their sleep. As in, imagine a pair of baby-koalas, on steroids!

Just thinking back on the hour-long slow and meticulous struggle it took to peel them off myself made me want to grumble like an old dwarf fresh out of ale, yet I held the urge back, lest I would accidentally wake the girls. I didn't want to go through the whole process all over again… and, on second look, they were kind of cute sleeping together like that, and I really didn't want to ruin that image.

In fact, I may or may not have spent a somewhat unnecessarily long time staring at the two of them under the blanket, but once I had my fill with the sight, I quickly (and very, very quietly) turned around and tiptoed towards my PC. I brought it out of standby mode with a single click of the mouse, and I was once again grateful for my bank account, as it allowed me to buy a pre-built machine with a water-cooler, so I didn't have to worry about the fans waking anyone. That said, the screen was still pretty bright, and as such I quickly turned it down a notch. 

I glanced back to check on the girls one last time, and since they were still happily snoring away the night, I let my shoulders relax a bit and lowered myself into my custom swivel chair.

Once I was seated, I made sure to mute the speakers before automatically checking the Hub, mostly out of habit. I skimmed over the new forum threads and browsed the titles of the new reports, but there didn't seem to be anything noteworthy at a single glance. As such, I opened a new tab and typed in the title of the triple-Z schlock film we watched, and then I clicked on the first movie database link the search engine threw at me.

It didn't take long to find the user reviews section, and after I limbered up my fingers, I quickly typed in my concise review of the film.

'The Heating Coil of Doom is the worst thing I have seen since polio. The main character has too much plot armor, the side plots about the lesbian cheerleaders and their pet moose were slow and confusing, and the explicit sex scene between the sentient toaster and the grandmother living in the wardrobe had no buildup or consequence whatsoever. Also, a little gross. The ending also left a lot to be desired, as we never learned if the toaster managed to kill the moose at the end, and the romance subplot between the cheerleaders and the lion tamer from the Danish travelling circus was inconclusive as well. Overall, it was a bad movie. Two out of ten.'

Once I was satisfied with what I wrote, I posted it and moved the cursor over to close the tab, but by doing so my eyes naturally skimmed over the other tabs, and so I inevitably noticed a notification from the Hub. I had a bad feeling about it, but I figured it could also be important, so I closed the review site as originally intended and steeled my nerves before checking the chat logs.

Surprise, surprise; my hunch was on the money.

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: HI BOSSMAN! ARE YOU ONLINE!? (￣▽￣)ノ"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: IF YOU ARE ONLINE, PLZ ANSWER ASAP!!! I NEED SOME ADVICE!!! (´｡• ω •｡`)"

It was for moments like this that I have stockpiled a lot of exasperated sighs, so I could freely breathe one out before I reached out for the keyboard again.

"Admin: Hello, Ninja. Please tell me you are not looking for relationship advice."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: HUH!? Σ(￣。￣ﾉ)"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: NONONO! THINGS ARE PROGRESSING SUPER WELL ALREADY! (＾▽＾)"

Oh, look at that. A classic spit-take moment. And here I thought I wouldn't be surprised by anything anymore. Once I got over the first shock, I decided to ask the obvious, just to be on the safe side. 

"Admin: With the granddaughter of the Arch Mage?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: YEP! WE ARE TEXTING EACH OTHER EVERY EVENING, AND SHE IS SUPER DUPER CUTE!!! EVEN CUTER THAN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT! LIKE, HYPER-SUPER-UBER-DUPER CUTE!!1! (≧◡≦) ♡"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST PLANNING TO ASK HER TO HANG OUT!!! WISH ME LUCK!!!1!!ONE! (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄)"

The enthusiasm seeping through the screen was practically palpable, but on my end, questions like 'Since when did you even have her number!?' or 'When the heck did all of this happen, and why didn't I notice it!?' drowned it all out. Anyhow, I stifled a shallow groan and decided to ask the Class Rep about it tomorrow. For now, I went ahead and asked the next obvious question. 

"Admin: Break a leg."

"Admin: That said, if it wasn't about your love life, then what kind of advice do you need?" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: RIGHT, RIGHT!!" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: REMEMBER ALL THE REPORTS I'VE BEEN SENDING YOU? ABOUT ALL THE INFO I GOT OF OFF THE SCARY CHIMERA SLAYER DUDE?! (＞﹏＜)" 

I waited for an embarrassingly long time for him to continue, until it dawned on me that it wasn't a rhetorical question he was asking, 

"Admin: Yes, I remember. What of it?" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: YOU SEE, I RAN INTO A BIT OF A SNAG! (；￣Д￣)" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT GETTING UNUSUAL ARTIFACTS WOULD BE SUCH A PAIN IN THE POOPHOLE?!?!! (＃`Д´)" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: I TRIED TO CALL IN ALL KINDS OF FAVORS, AND EVEN DROPPED MY FATHER'S NAME A FEW TIMES, BUT I STILL COULDN'T FIND ANYONE WITH A NOVEL ARTIFACT FOR THE SLAYERIZER DUDE! (ノ_<。)" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: ALSO, MY FATHER LEARNED ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING, AND SCOLDED ME OVER THE PHONE... 〜(＞＜)〜" 

"Admin: I see, but could you please get to the point?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: SURE BOSS, SORRY BOSS!! (*_ _)人" 

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: THE POINT IS THAT A FRIEND OF A FRIEND HELPED ME CONTACT THIS REALLY SHADY GUY! HE HAS ALL KINDS OF COOL GADGETS, BUT HE IS SUPER SHADY, AND HE WAS ASKING FOR WEIRD STUFF IN EXCHANGE OF HELPING ME OUT! SHOULD I MAKE A DEAL WITH HIM? (￣_￣)・・・ "

"Admin: That depends. Please elaborate on the 'weird stuff'."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: HE ONLY WANTS ME TO WRITE SOMETHING IN SCRIPT FOR HIM! I THINK HE MIGHT WANT TO FORGE SOME KIND OF DOCUMENT OR WHATNOT, BUT I'M NOT SURE! (￢_￢)"

"Admin: So he is a forger?"

There was a long pause in the textual conversation, so I wrote in another question.

"Admin: Is he one of ours?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: I DON'T THINK SO? IF HE WAS, HE WOULDN'T NEED TO ME WRITE FOR HIM!"

"Admin: Fine, then what does he look like?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: IDDUNO! I HAVEN'T MET HIM YET! WE ONLY SENT MESSAGES OVER PALINDROME! ┐(￣～￣)┌"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: OH, OH! I JUST REMEMBERED! \(★ω★)/"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: BOSS-MAN! DO YOU HAVE A PALINDROME ACCOUNT!? CAN YOU ADD ME AS A PAL!? o(>ω<)o"

For the uninitiated (such as I was until a short while ago), 'PALindrome' was the name of one of the newfangled social media sites that popped into existence with the world's technology doing its damned best to catch up to some arbitrary tech-level during the past month or so. I knew because Judy and Elly both wanted me to add them as 'pals' and then set their relationship level to 'girlfriend', but when it turned out the site only allowed one girlfriend per person, they decided to go back to MateLedger, which was the first site Judy used to annoy me.

But putting my irritation with the rapidly increasing popularity and influence of these sites aside (which, I would like to add, had nothing to do with the fact that I could have made ten times the money I did with my rudimentary streaming service idea if only I realized that making the first social media platform was even an option), I focused on the screen again and gave my answer.

"Admin: I don't think it's wise for an asset to share and discuss information on social media."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: DON'T WORRY, ADMIN! I WAS SUPER DISCREET! SO, ABOUT ADDING ME AS A PAL…? (＾• ω •＾)"

"Admin: Let's discuss this again around the heat death of the universe. For now, I'd like you to tell me more about this shady person you want to make a deal with."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: OKAY! (* ^ ω ^)"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: I DON'T KNOW MUCH MORE ABOUT HIM, BUT MY FRIEND SAID HE IS NEW TO THE ISLAND, AND HE IS STILL BUILDING UP HIS CONTACTS, AND THAT'S WHY I COULD GET STUFF FROM HIM FOR CHEAP! (￢‿￢ )"

"Admin: Do you know where he got his artifacts? Is he connected to the School?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: I DON'T THINK SO? HE ROMISED HE COULD GIVE ME ALL KINDS OF WEIRD STUFF I COULDN'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ISLAND! LIKE, HE WROTE HE HAD AN ARTIFACT THAT COULD MAKE TEA TASTE LIKE COFFEE! \(★ω★)/"

I blinked a few times as a re-read the last message, and I couldn't help but feel intrigued. 

"Admin: Do you mean it turns tea into coffee?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: NONONO! ONLY THE TASTE! SOUNDS KIND OF USELESS, BUT IT'S PRETTY WEIRD, SO I'M SURE SLAYER DUDE WOULD LIKE IT! (─‿‿─)"

His tone annoyed me a little, but I had to admit that he was right. That most certainly intrigued me. Just how would an artifact change the taste of a liquid without affecting its chemical make-up? Maybe it affects the amino acids that give tea its flavor? Or it could apply some sort of masking effect on the liquid to deceive the taste buds? Kind of like an illusion for the tongue?

Either way, that sounded really interesting. If it was the former, it might even give me an easy gateway into understanding how the magical sub-stratum manipulated things on a molecular level. I found myself itching to take a look, so after a short minute of consideration, I decided to tell Mike to go for it.

"Admin: He sounds useful. If you think it's safe, try to make contact with him. Be sure you have an escape plan."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: DON'T WORRY BOSS! I'M GOING TO HAVE TWO! ε=ε=ε=ε=┌(;￣▽￣)┘"

"Admin: Good. Do you have anything else to report?"

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: NOTHING TO REPORT, BUT… BOSS, DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH WOMEN? LIKE, HOW TO MAKE THEM FALL FOR YOU AND STUFF? (＾• ω •＾)"

The moment I read that, I instinctively glanced back at the two girls peacefully sleeping in my bed, then with mixed feelings I typed down:

"Admin: No. Also, I already told you I'm not giving relationship advice."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: PLEASE BOSS! I DON'T WANT TO MESS THIS UP! PLEASEEEEEEE!!! (シ_ _)シ"

Oh, look at that. It was roll-of-eye o'clock before I even knew it. Anyhow, I silently shook my head and responded with a curt:

"Admin: Go, ask Moose."

There was a radio silence almost a minute long following my advice…

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: HE'LL MAKE FUN OF ME… (/ω＼)"

…followed by another unnecessarily long pause before Mike finally gave up.

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: FINE, I ASK HIM! MAYBE HE'S GOING TO BE IN A GOOD MOOD?! (￢_￢;)"

"Admin: You do that. I have to go now."

"W1NG3D N1NJ4: BYE, ADMIN!!! (´• ω •`)ﾉ "

"Admin: Stay safe."

Following those two words, I quickly closed the chat interface and set my status to 'offline'. I was about to move on with my night, but in the end I couldn't help but feel bothered by this exchange, so I opened the chat log again and sent a PM.

"Admin: Hey, Moose. Ninja is going to annoy you soon. Don't be too mean to him."

"Morosemoose: Hello, Admin. He is already annoying me."

"Morosemoose: I'll try not to tease him too much. Not making any promises."

"Admin: Good enough for me. That's all I wanted to say. Bye."

"Morosemoose: Bye."

With that done, I closed the tab for good and carefully stretched my arms as I thought about what I should do next. It was still the middle of the night, so my options were fairly limited. I couldn't work out, as it would probably wake up the girls. I could go down and make breakfast, but it would get cold by the time they woke up, so it was also off the table. What did that leave me with?

"Well," I whispered under my breath, mostly out of habit. "I suppose I better find out what gives tea its taste. For science."

And with that began yet another long, not particularly eventful, yet strangely relaxing night of research.