Aloha, Gabrielle
I apologize for the long response you are about to read.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience you are engaging. I listened to your question, as presented by Joseph, Deb and Lisa and, their responses. It is very thought provoking.
Please keep in mind that I am no therapist and, merely another person engaged in their own inner work and healing.
I suppose what comes up for me is the fact that you have recently begun your own inner work and healing and that is fantastic! While this is an opportunity for some healing for both you and your Mum, per Joseph and Deb, Lisa brings up a valid point of this is your opportunity to heal and may not be the route your Mum wishes to go. Either way, I think it is worth attempting.
Your question, as presented by Deb was, "How do you show you, for them, without losing yourself, honoring their integrity while protecting them from their lapses in judgement? This, for me is a multifaceted question. I suppose the best I can do is share a couple of my experiences.
I experienced great trauma growing up in a separated family. I am the youngest of six children and, also in my fifties. In 2015 I found myself in proximity to my father who was in his last stage of life, due to a metastasized cancerous tumor. I had not seen my Dad for many years. I was somewhat engaged in my own healing at the time as well; however, I found out I was poorly prepared for what I was stepping into.
There was very little support from immediate family, other than what people thought they could selfishly extract from the situation. Looking back, I see my own desire to heal but, selfishly, I approached it at the expense of my Dad and, my own integrity. There existed deep trauma within me and wounds that became very fresh, once again, as I engaged him. In a nutshell, I lost myself.
Two years later, he died. Prior to his death I unloaded some very harsh things on him. To say I have regret is an understatement. In 1997 my Mom died suddenly, which two weeks prior was once again, me unloading my untended trauma on her. I suppose I am attempting to give some context to my response here.
So, back to your question, "How do you show up without losing yourself, honoring their integrity while protecting them from their lapses in judgement? This brings up many questions, such as, "have you found yourself?" It is mentioned that you recently have begun your own inner work. Also, being child number five of six, are your siblings also engaged in this endeavor? Joseph and Deb mention having a support system. Do you have support?
The second part of your question, how does one engage "honoring their integrity while protecting them from their lapses in judgement? Again this brings up questions such as, "what is their integrity and, how does that differ from my own sense of integrity?
Obviously, your question posed has brought up a lot for me and again, I apologize as this is your situation, not mine.
As mentioned in the response from, Jared Green, "caregiving in this context is a total minefield." For myself, I have proved Jared's response.
I am not saying this should be abandoned as an endeavor; however, support and guidance is definitely paramount.I have recently re-engaged my own inner work and healing and, now have an opportunity to heal my relationships with both my parents. Granted, it will be posthumously for them.
Lastly, Gabrielle, I wish the very best for you in this undertaking. Hindsight, as shared by me, is only 20/20, if another takes heed from another's failed experiment. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds here.
Wishing you the very best,
Michael Pondela
2022-02-25 17:22:14 +0000 UTC
Thanks for this thoughtful answer. I have thought about having the discussion with Mum about her memory of the troubling things from my childhood but she has a tendency to negative thought patterns and bad memories in her days now, I am wary of upsetting her. further. But I could start small and see how she takes it.
2022-02-22 01:35:56 +0000 UTC
Thank you I found this very moving and thought provoking.
It seems to me that the decline of the thinking function, is one of the most despairing and terrifying things. Especially when that personal possibility also hangs over us all - but might get pushed into shadow.
One aspect which seems to appear in my practice is that the declining parent, alongside their own cognitive decline, may no longer be able to contain their own psychotic parts. In this way, archetypal forces can erupt in the care giving dynamic and be incredibly powerful and difficult to contain. That alongside the possibility of regression, unfinished business, and the necessary facing of our own existential givens makes caregiving in this context a total minefield.
Thanks again for giving this some light.
