Rachael Padilla

On the easel

Added 2020-08-05 22:38:10 +0000 UTC

It's coming along! I'm not sure what to call it yet, but perhaps that will come as I finish the piece and tell the story. This series is intended to tell pivotal moments in my life. It seems that some moments are longer than others. In that sense the moment depicted here spanned months.

I have difficulty sharing painful or just outright personal memories/stories. A picture is worth a thousand words, and it feels safer for me to tell stories visually.

So first, the story I've painted:

Our central figure kneels in the dirt of the desert. She seems distraught. Her left hand reaches for her exposed, burning heart, her right hand reaches out (to what?). To her right and her left, we see fresh graves in the graveyard. Behind her, a figure walks into the distance, back turned to us. In the dusky sky, we see two ethereal faces framed by wings. They watch the scene unfold.

Now, my truth:

I was still grieving the unexpected loss of my father when I received the call that my closest brother had died in his sleep. One month separated these losses. I thought they were both relatively healthy. Things became hostile in my family in the months that ensued. I'm not sure how to explain the events that followed. But I can say that I felt completely abandoned, exiled, sometimes outright attacked by family members. The most painful aspect being that I was rejected by my eldest adult son. I have often wondered what my father and brother would have said about it all.

My art and my self portraits have helped me heal. I don't seem to have the emotional sophistication to deal with trauma as it happens. I have a terrible habit of putting things away into boxes in my mind. But these images I make give me a safe space to unpack the boxes. I feel safe in images, in symbolism. I can share the hardest truths and my perception of my experiences. I can pour my heart out and smear its contents across canvases and have something of depth and meaning when I'm done!