Dabbing Through the Emergency Room

Over the course of twenty minutes I went from feeling a light ache over my right ovary to writhing in pain on the floor while sobbing, clawing my clothes off, and vomiting from pain even after my stomach was well past empty. The paramedics arrived while I was barely conscious and they couldn’t make out my whisper-mumbled answers to their questions asking “What’s your name? How old are you?” The pain had naturally ebbed enough at that point that now I could feel how freezing cold my coat of sweat had become and it took several tries to speak clearly enough through my clattering teeth that I needed a blanket, and, once I got that blanket, actually I still needed it to be pulled over my freezing, shivering shoulders too, not just my lower half.

In all the (thankfully few!) emergency rides we’ve had to hospital, Matt and I have always opted to drive the other, rather than take an ambulance because I think their basic price starts at $1,000. Matt had asked if he could carry me to the car and I just. No. I could not comprehend the pain of being lifted in a ball and then writhing upright in a confined space for god knows how long while he obeyed traffic signs to get us to the hospital. Ambulance. Now.

Once the paramedics hooked me up to The Good Painkiller, our ride actually wound up being kind of nice? I didn’t feel high or anything, just the lack of pain. It’s amazing how quickly your brain becomes functional again when it’s not consumed in agony. The paramedic taking care of me, we chatted about tattoos and how he got his job and how I met my husband.

Jumping back a bit, I just remembered how I heard the paramedics asking Matt about our medical insurance before taking me out, asking which hospitals I would have coverage at. They couldn’t bring the… what is it called? That ambulance wheelie-bed? They couldn’t bring it up our stairs, so they had to walk me down to it on the sidewalk, with a blanket over my shoulders to cover up my bra and underwear from the neighbors who were watching outside. I was still half conscious but I pulled my thoughts about me enough to tell the paramedic to tell my husband that my insurance card is on my desk.

Just. How fucked up is that? You’ve got vomit-saliva crusted on your face, it’s possible your appendix is rupturing, and the top concern from all parties is: Can you afford to get treatment? Which hospital is least likely to financially ruin you?

Mmmm yeah, that sweet, sweet American Freedom sure feels good.

So, jumping forward: I had a 2mm kidney stone working its way through my ureters AND ALSO, unrelated, a cyst was found on my left ovary. Plus my appendix looked “thick”, but not enough to worry about. The kidney stone was the culprit for the pain.

Ok I need to get to work and I’m running out of steam on this story.

The final bits I want to share are:

• Every care worker who interacted with me was kind and funny and I came out with a good number of interesting conversations about how people got into their various fields and what their life is like outside the hospital. Climbers and travelers and gardeners, some in their first internship and others ringing in their 20th year in the same hospital.
• For the first time in a year, I actually have a product I want to review for Oh Joy Sex Toy: the transvaginal ultrasound wand that was used to get a closer look at my ovary cyst. C’mon, it’ll be hilarious.
• In his haste to grab clothes for me to wear out of the hospital (remember, I came in wearing a sports bra and underpants), Matt brought me:

-1 pair of jeans

-1 hoody

-1 underwire bra

-3 sock sets (footie, ankle, winter thick-ass knee-high)

-0 shoes

-0 shirts

-5 panties

• Multiple healthcare workers told me kidney stones are as close as a person can get to experiencing the pain of birth. I had thirty minutes of it and I cannot comprehend how humans did this (birth and/or any other physical malfunction) without painkiller in the past. How did humans reproduce enough to create billions of us?? How is that possible??? How did our species survive before painkiller and sanitary medical practices??????
• The paramedic who drove my ambulance was a Total Babe.

I’m pretty sure I passed the stone yesterday, but no I wasn’t collecting/straining my pee so I never actually saw it. I’m feeling basically 100% again and now I’m off to work!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE, YOU’RE LITERALLY PAYING FOR MY HOSPITAL VISIT AND THAT GOOD, GOOD PAINKILLER THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES.