High Functioning Crazy
Added 2019-07-03 17:00:03 +0000 UTCMan, the last two weeks, and especially this last week, have been real rough on my poor body and brain. Just, real weak, real tired, brain on fucking fire. It’s frustrating, because I met with my psychiatrist last month-ish and I was doing ok-ish at the time and my blood draw said my lithium levels were safe so we didn’t adjust any of my meds but now it’s like, fuck, do I need to tweak my brain drugs again because I am barely functional 😬
I can’t imagine what life would look like if I weren’t bipolar.
I know it wouldn’t be perfect or necessarily any easier but, dang. Haha. What would it feel like to not carry this particular boulder on my back for the rest of my life? What would it be like to feel a feeling, positive or negative, and not immediately scrutinize it for signs of impending mental illness takeover? What’s it like to trust your thoughts, your gut? Crazy.
I dismiss myself and I get dismissed by others because I’m Crazy.
I’m High Functioning Crazy: I maintain long term relationships, I work hard, I contribute to my community and pay my taxes, but still, at the end of the day, I am and always will be Crazy. Crazy Girl with the Crazy Thoughts from her Crazy Brain and its Crazy Brain Chemicals that overwhelm my poor exhausted body.
I didn’t intend to write about bipolar stuff when I started tapping out this caption (I was just gunna say I’m tired and leave it at that), but now I can’t help but appreciate what a perfect photo this is for it.
When I set up this picture with my ten second self-timer and my phone leaning against a cement pillar, I had tried to frame it so I’d be on the far left and the grocery store would fill the right 2/3rds of the image. I was annoyed this had turned out perfectly centered but now it’s like, yeah, it’s split down the middle like my mind is, half filled with a beautiful, disorganized sky and the other side a dark, ugly cement building, and here I am, balanced in between the two.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(A version of this was originally posted on Instagram)
Comments
Ah! LOVE that book.
Erika Moen
2019-07-08 18:50:14 +0000 UTCYou're an amazing human, and I appreciate you sharing your life with us, including the boulders.
Dave
2019-07-07 13:12:45 +0000 UTCI know I'm running late on this, but the High-Functioning Crazy paragraph is my life in a nutshell. I'm only just getting serious about being diagnosed, so I don't know what my specific imbalances are yet, but I so relate. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone, hugs to both you and Matt.
Robyn Moore
2019-07-06 15:35:18 +0000 UTCThanks for sharing this. My wife struggles with these issues and it helps both of us to know we are not alone. Plus the picture is beautiful.
Paul W.
2019-07-04 15:57:42 +0000 UTCMy reality is sufficiently different from yours that it's unlikely I can make a comment here that is as helpful, supportive, and concise as I'd like. But I did want to observe that the clear, direct way that you write about your challenging experiences reminded me of a book I read recently and enjoyed immensely. It's titled "Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things" by Jenny Lawson.
Chris Abele
2019-07-04 00:16:27 +0000 UTCI have no words, but sending you hugs and warm fuzzies.
Spiffy Voxel
2019-07-03 19:05:07 +0000 UTCI know posting these can be hard for you, but thanks. It really does help knowing I'm not the only crazy person struggling through shit and then throwing my hands up when everything explodes.
The Ferret
2019-07-03 17:59:34 +0000 UTCI was gonna say everyone struggles with this, and then I remembered I just got an ADHD diagnosis and have several other brain-impacting things going on, actually what's normal for me isn't neurotypical. 🤦♀️ So uh, I hear ya. My struggles sound different from yours, but the extra layer of self-analysis, I've got that. And the effort of optimizing my situation (food, drugs, behaviors) so my brain doesn't do the things I don't want it to, ugh it's exhausting.
Liza Olmsted
2019-07-03 17:14:51 +0000 UTCI had to take enough lithium to mute almost all of my spontaneity and fire to get to to where I could have those high function things. I’m doing a bit better now, and I have my meds to where I bit of the old fire back, but it is always a struggle. If you aren’t hurting yourself or others with your “crazy” you are absolutely entitled to be proud of it. You make the world a better place. (And the photo is lovely.)
John Wedoff
2019-07-03 17:12:49 +0000 UTC"What would it feel like to not carry this particular boulder on my back for the rest of my life?" I'm autistic, not bipolar but goddamn I know this feeling, along with wishing I could just get rid of that boulder occasionally, for a few hours, just to not have that constant weight on my shoulders.
Koen Drost
2019-07-03 17:12:22 +0000 UTCDon’t dismiss the high fucking function: if you’re getting work done, maintaining relationships, and paying your taxes you are doing amazing.
John Wedoff
2019-07-03 17:06:04 +0000 UTC
