Keeping My Fingers Busy

I'm terrified of holding still.

When I’m not moving, not focusing on a specific task, when my fingers are idle, that’s when when my brain turns into poison. I’ve mentioned on here before that I’m Bipolar (II) and that I have PTSD, which basically means I am in a constant battle with my thoughts. My poor, crazy little brain uses any quiet moment to launch an attack on my senses. 

So that’s why I always keep my fingers busy. I draw, I paint, I sew, just to have something to pour my focus into so my brain doesn't have enough quiet time to devour itself.

 I'm a very productive person, which can be a good thing in some regards (particularly when you're self-employed in the creative fields and this is how you pay your bills), but at the same time I see the fruits of my labor as evidence that my brain and my thoughts are not a good place and this is how I run away from them, how I try to shut them up. Every painting, every comic, every piece I make is a product of trying to run away from the poison my mind produces. From the outside, I look prolific and creative. To me, I see every completed or in-progress project as another badge of my mental illness. 

Two weeks ago I came the closest I’ve ever come to being hospitalized for having a mental breakdown. My husband and my closest friends were there for me. They took care of me while I was incapacitated with fear and grief and shock and shame. They loved me when I couldn’t. I’m over the worst of it, but I still have a ways to go in recovering. It’s going to take a while before I stop anxiety-dry-heaving every day, but on the upside my limbs have stopped compulsively shaking, so I’ll take my victories where I can.

I'm human. I'm vulnerable. I don't have my shit together and I'm doing the best I can to make it through each day. 

Right now I’m just trying to take care of myself, and that means I gotta keep my fingers busy. 

------------------------------------------

I really respectfully request that people DO NOT COMMENT on this post, please. If I could disable commenting on this post, I would, but I can't, so I ask that you respect that getting feedback on what I've shared, even if it's supportive, will make me feel sick right now. That's crazy, I know. But I am a little crazy, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So again,  please DO NOT COMMENT, and thank you for respecting my request ♥