OhJoySexToy

July 11 - Penciling, Shipping, Book Plate Signing

Added 2014-07-12 05:58:44 +0000 UTC

Today: Laid out and penciled five page OJST cross-over comic that's going to run on another site, shipped Periscope Studio's and my orders, signed and doodled on OJST book plates.

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My freshman year of college, someone added "Art is why I get up in the morning but my definition ends there", a line by Ani DiFranco, to our hall's quote board. I'd never heard it before then, and it struck me so hard it stayed with me for the next ten years. I like the imagine of the artist who has such a vivid imagination, who's mind is so inspired, that they're compelled to create art because they just can't not. It's pretty and romantic and I can feel a bit of that in me too, but most of my art comes from fear. If I'm not producing then I'm worthless.

After I was born, my mother "went a bit sideways." When my dad would tell me he couldn't divorce my mom because the courts would give her custody of me, I believed him.

When my grandmother would tell me that I was the reason my mom lost her mind, I believed her.

When my mother would tell me "you make me hit you," I believed her.

I grew up believing that my being alive had ruined multiple people's lives. If I hadn't been born, my mom wouldn't have become mentally ill. If I hadn't been born, my dad could have left her long ago. If I hadn't been born, my existence wouldn't have forced her to do the things she did to me.

As a child I decided that if I wasn't supposed to be here, if my being alive ruined the lives of so many people, then I had to make myself worthy to justify living. Making art is that justification. If I'm being productive, then it's ok that I'm still breathing.

Art is why I'm alive. Art is why I'm worthy. Art is why I get up in the morning.