Norm of the North: A Lesson In Understanding When To Quit

In the business of media, not all ideas are good ones. But in every case, you can see the genesis of each idea. The Emoji Movie was never meant to be a good film, it was made to capitalize on the recognition of social media. The idea of having Donuts so heavily featured in The Power Rangers (2017) was only there to so Dunkin’ Donuts could help facilitate the cost of an underwhelming nostalgic cash grab. The director knew this, as well as the writers and producers. It’s always fun to laugh and point at “cash grab” for how nonsensical they might seem, but there is always some connection to the ends justifying the means.

Or so I thought…

I recently watched the Rob Schneider animated shit pile that is “Norm of the North”. Why did I put myself through this? Is it possibly because I hate myself and thus sabotage my own happiness at every turn? For sure. But it’s also because about a week ago Lionsgate released the 3rd film in the franchise, and I had to see what the hell was up. Why is there 3? Who is funding these films? Is there a significant audience? Does Rob Schneider turn into anything in this film? So many questions are unanswered and I had to get to the bottom of it. 

And holy God. What the hell. 

Never have I been so confused by a piece of work existing. There’s no significant actors, no theme, no idea or concept that is being ripped from other recent films. On top of that there is no product placement, no media influences, it’s only a bad film. 

That last paragraph wasn’t a set up for a joke. I am simply in shock that there is no lazy or malicious intent behind this film. 

So join me as I try to make sense of why this movie exists and where the hell we can go from here. 

Now, i’ve seen this movie twice now and I still can’t remember a good half of the characters names. I’m also not going to look it up because it doesn’t change anything and i really don’t think this production deserves the effort. 

So the movie begins with dancing penguins in the arctic. This was particularly insulting because as you may know “Penguins of Madagascar” is one of my favorite movies. Seeing the parallel did a fantastic job at making me angry. Nothing else. 

Norm, the polar bear is introduced as the most charismatic polar bear. Everyone loves him because he’s just so cheery! (I’m not editorializing. I think there’s a part of the film where a bear says to Norm, “Everyone loves you, norm. You’re the nice one”). However there’s-a trouble brewing in this arctic paradise! Humans are building expensive homes in the frozen tundra in order to sell “arctic front property” and ill be honest if im not impressed with how bad that justification is. Like…. They could have been drilling for oil, or they could be trying to build a zoo or own polar bears as pets but no. the explanation is “rich people doin’ crazy rich people stuff”. 

Anyway, this gets Norm a little miffed so while the model home is being lifted via helicopter back to New York for some reason,  he decides to sneak into the now airborne house so he can convince the people in charge that what they are doing is bad. And I don’t think I have to make any jokes after that last sentence, right? I dont think ill be able to come up worth anything funnier or more absurd than the plot they have already set up. 

Ok ok ok so Norm flies to New York and is swept away by the bustling town. As any talking bear would. He then learns that the company building the arctic properties are very unpopular and in order to get funding for building more they need to be more popular with the masses. So Norm auditions for the role of “Polar Bear” and gets an acting gig as a polar bear since he looked the most like a polar bear compared to the other actors in terrible looking polar bear suits. Then Norm meets the owner of the company… Mr Green? Is maybe his name… and Norm learns that he is a big piece of garbage that only want to make money. So Norm devises the plan to become popular enough to let everyone know about how bad this Mr. Green is. He dances and does adorable bear stuff so the popularity of the company he is now a mascot for can rise.

Once the approval rating for the company is at 85%, Norm prepares to make a speech on a large TV in new york at around 11:15 in the morning. Perfect announcing time. But! Before he can Mr Green dubs over his words with some fake compliment about the condos that are being built in the arctic which totally harshes Norm’s “tude”. 

All seems like it’s lost, until a smart little girl character who has no growth or reason to exist other than to solve the problems for the adults in this film, reminds us that she stole incriminating video evidence, so they show Mr Green being super mean and his approval rating falls, thus destroying any chance of them building homes on the arctic! 

Everyone lives happily ever after. 

Ok so this movie is clearly a hot steaming pile. That’s not really new information. What i find truly interesting is that neither the movie, nor the characters have any reason to exist. 

First of all, if the condos are for super rich people and basically a novelty, then why does public opinion of their existence matter? The public might be mad at first hearing the news, but it’s not like they are going to go out and protest in the arctic. 

Also, Norm is a bear that can speak english. But nobody thinks he’s a bear. They think he’s an actor in a suit. So why even set up the plot line that he can speak. Why not make it like every other animated movie where animals can speak to other animals and that’s it. Norm being able to speak changes literally nothing. 

Also! If the company didn’t have the backing to build the rest of the luxury housing, then doing nothing seems like a soli plan to make sure luxury homes don’t get built in the arctic. Why does Norm help make this evil company popular just so he can tell the world how evil they are. Just stay home and call it a day. 

Every single plot line and character would be better suited by doing nothing. There is a character in the movie who’s arc involves her getting fed up with working for Mr. Green and then quitting by sending him an email. That’s it. They never interact again. She sends an email and just never goes back to work, I guess...

I was waiting for the product placement, the plot line that helps sell merch, this movie is so bad I was hoping there was going to be a cheap celebrity cameo. But no. I can’t think of any reason for this movie to exist. Did it make a lot of money? Not really. With a budget of only 7 million it only brought back around 14 million, which is just barely breaking even. Maybe the studio needed some sort of tax write off, but even then, why bother putting it in theatres? Maybe the movie was planned to have a big name attached but then they dropped out, but still the final script was garbage so it’s not like there was a good concept somewhere that got a little lost. Maybe it was made to sell music, but there is one song in it and no where in the credits do they tell you who it’s performed by!

And like I mentioned earlier, the movie did make money, but not much. If you have a project as bad as “Norm of the North” on your hands, then why not just show in some other shit that’s going to make you money? Maybe Mr. Green wants to sell condos so he can be the owner of the largest Cassio watch collection. Maybe they could make it that Norm is so charismatic that when he dances he can make the most boring-royalty-free song sound fun. That way they dont have to pay for any music rights. Why not go all out on how bad this film really is. Turn an embarrassing piece of work into a monument of disappointment. At least then you could feel like you were  truly apart of something. 

And honestly i think i’ve spent more time thinking about it than they did on the entire production. So with that, i must say fuck you “Norm of the North” and also, fuck you Rob Schneider. You’re an actor i’ve ever really cared for, an anti-vaxxer and I really don’t care to support someone with jelly for brains. 

Anyway, thanks for reading and have an amazing day!