money spenders postcast

I didn't feel like making a money spenders podcast at the end of January because to be honest it was a lot of stuff i've said before. I've been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety about creating art and my place in the world, didn't get much done, gonna try harder next month. You've heard it all before, many times. So i thought i would leave that month and just make a money spenders podcast for february instead.

February turned out to be better but mostly the same and frankly i don't like having the money spenders podcasts be such downers all the time. Even if it is real, it sucks. There's this sense that even though times are tough i can't be depressed forever, i have good months and bad months.
But the possibility does actually exist that i can have nothing but bad months for a decade without a single good thing happening. It's unlikely but i still don't like to think about it.

The idea that i can simply get worse and not improve and projects that i promise myself that i'd get around to may never be completed. That's horrible, i hate thinking about that.

I feels like it's been happening for a while. I peaked at 20, or whever i made that thing that was good. My life's worth is tied to my life's work but specifically only work that i've made recently. It's very stupid to think like this but i do it all the time.

I don't want to stop creating, but i continually feel bad about every project that sorta peters out into nothingness

I'm afraid of Clarissa Gunsmoke meeting that fate, in some ways i feel like it's already happened. But it hasn't, i'm just depressed right now and my brain is the stupidest version of itself it could possibly be.

To be more pragmatic let me list you projects that i'm "working on" right now:

- Dark Cloud hippocrit video
- Clarissa Gunsmoke Volume 2
- ... so i had this idea for a game where you play as alley oop...

I don't know if these will ever come out, but i guess worrying about that isn't going to make them come out faster, or ever.

I'll keep trying to be the best artist i can be, even if my best is simply not good enough for most people including myself.

Oh i guess i completed Feboobary this February, I drew every day and made something of a comic involving boobies and Gungirl. I really have to start taking pride in the things i actually do accomplish instead of moping about all the stuff i haven't made yet.

In fact let me list the hours i've been working. I set a timer going when i work on a project and i try to keep it accurate and specific to that task.

so far this year i have worked on CLARISSA GUNSMOKE for:

0 hours

and on the DARK CLOUD HIPPOCRIT VIDEO PROJECT:

61 hours

ehh... it's not nothing i guess? 61 hours for 2 months?

I was completely out of it depression wise for two full weeks, was away for another week...

So that's like 61 hours in 5 weeks. ehh/??

It's hard to feel good about it but i'll try and not feel bad about it either.


Sorry for the lack of an audio. i have also had a cold and didn't want to use my voice.