I had this dream.. (+updates)

And it was honestly the scariest dream I think I’ve ever had. Not because it was overtly frightening, but because of what it may have dredged up from my subconscious. 

I’m not sure if this needs a trigger warning, but just in case, there’s talk of depression, anxiety, and light mentions of suicide in the following. You can skip down to the “♥♥♥” toward the end to avoid the heavy talk and get to more objective updates.

First I wanna give you guys some context. I’ve been largely poofing in and out this year, and I’m not sure how anyone around me puts up with it x_x. Closing up like that is a trauma coping mechanism that I’ve struggled with for a very long time, something I thought I was getting better about. And maybe I was, I don’t know… but taking emotional blows one after another over the last year and a half knocked me right back into it just as deep as ever. I can’t even.. begin to describe how demotivating it is to realize I’ve just fallen into the same old routine. Again. This all feels too damn familiar.

2019-2020 has been especially hard for me. Pretty much the only progress I’ve made on things was from pushing myself along as hard as possible during manic episodes because I know once the depressive slope starts I’m less than useless. And of course pushing too hard has its own consequences. Depression and anxiety can seriously just frick off already. Just being awake by itself is a monumental effort, I mean what biological purpose does this sort of thing even serve?? Brain, get yoself together ffs. 

For the last month or so I’ve been struggling with panic attacks, depressive episodes, and idk… something like existential dread with everything that’s going on in the world. Thinh’s been at home from work which has been calming, but also nerve-wracking wondering if he’s going to get laid off because all the schools are closed for some indefinite amount of time.

Back to my dream. Last night I dreamed that I was saying goodbye to everyone in my life that was important to me. Hugs and tears, and a feeling that I was so tired and I wanted to just let go and slip away. Become nothing. Now... the dream didn’t contain anything explicitly suicidal, right, more of a profound sense of just giving up. But there is that part of me that is very suddenly aware that those thoughts of feeling utterly hopeless and wanting to give in to despair are floating around in there. It’s terrifying.

I’ve come close to suicidal thoughts early in life. Close, but never to the point of planning or attempts. Just those nebulous moments of “What if I could stop hurting, stop feeling anything, wouldn’t that be swell”. A few of you know and I’ve spoken briefly in small places about my lengthy history of abuse, but that was ages and ages ago. Basically a different lifetime. How do these traumas stick to people so long?? Like c’mon man let’s get passed this already and function like a person who hasn’t had any of this baggage pls thx.

Anyway ♥♥♥ As to the point of this weird update… I don’t want to give up. I have so much to be thankful for, and yes I’m struggling but I’m also trying to convince myself that if I can just stop this freefall I can start to get a meaningful recovery going. xD;; So I’m gonna take that first step, (again).  

I want my Patreon to be a bright place in my life, something to be proud of. You all are deeply special to me, and that’s why I feel safe to start here. I’m posting this update today and I’ll be very lightly going through messages for the rest of the day.

(Side story, my nails have been weirdly soft lately, like bendy. And last night I reached for something under the dining table and hit the support bar between the legs dead on and it BENT FOUR OF MY NAILS UP like a third of the way up the nail bed. Like.. folding the brim of a baseball cap straight up kind of thing. It was horrible, I had to push them all back down and I’ve never felt such a nauseating thing. It was gross and bloody but today I’m fine and my fingertips are just a bit sore and tender so typing isn't too too bad yet.. but uh.. that was a thing that happened so might be on and off if my hand gets too uncomfortable.)

Tomorrow I hope to be more present in the discord (my poor mods, you guys please be gentle with them they are doing their best. And with me being so inconsistent lately they have had to shoulder a lot on their own ToT). Over the next week or so I’d like to get some cleanup going on some things, especially here in the Patreon space, and get some updates on specific group things going so please keep an eye out for that.

I’m trying not to fall into the manic trap and take on too much before I’m stable so this is going to be gradual for the next few days. As always, please don’t hesitate to message me if you want updates, I am 100% ok with that, even if you’re normally hesitant to “bother”, I’d rather you give me a million pokes so I can get back to you more reliably. 

*deep breath* Y'all I'm tired of this on again off again relationship I have with depression =u= But I'm gonna try again, this ish isn't gonna get me dangit.