Class of 86, Chapter 1: Everyday Is Like Sunday

(Class of 86 is that post apocalyptic 1980s teen sex comedy slasher film that was lost to the ages.  In this novel by Brad Jones, follow along with our 6 heroes through 10 years of history.  From the stresses of passing that dreaded Chemistry paper, to seducing the high school nerd for perks, to roaming the wasteland after the nuclear holocaust and paying their dues like a classic knock off of Slaughter High; Class of 86 will put you in the mood for Porky's, but leave you daydreaming about The Road Warrior and Return to Horror High.  That is, if you're into that sort of thing.)  

Chapter 1.  Everyday Is Like Sunday

At first glance, this future is boring to look at. The blue sky keeps being interrupted by the passing green clouds, as if God sneezed all over the atmosphere. The sand dunes may be nice to look at in a picture framed on a dentist office wall, but standing in the middle of this wasteland makes you want to put an ice pick through your brain, because you might as well give up now since not even your mirages are going to be getting a drink of water.

The winds flow through the sand and brush the particles up into the air, which might give a temporary relief that you may not melt in a puddle of your own flesh. However, it's only a tease. If you're stuck in this desert for too long, you're dead, and that has nothing to do with the fact that this desert just so happened to once be normal Midwestern America.

Suddenly, like nostalgia making a quick comeback, a young girl in her late 20s walks through this miles long sand trap. The color of her sneakers immediately stands out, since it's the color of red, and not the color of dirty beach garbage. She wears ripped leggings, like she had a nasty spill down the mall escalator. Her extra-large grey sweater hangs off of her shoulder, because even in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, someone's going to want to be reminded of Flashdance. Her blonde hair is held up in a scrunchie. Who wants to have a bad hair day in the desert?

She dances along with her Walkman as she walks through the sand, eyes closed, not caring what she will stumble upon, even if she stumbles upon nothing. The Buggles' "Video Killed the Radio" star can be heard through her earphones, but as we can clearly see, it wasn't video that killed the radio star. It was probably the nuclear holocaust.

An extra gust of wind hits her right in the face. Still with her eyes closed, she seems mildly annoyed that the wind has interrupted her concentration on this song that she's probably heard a million times since the bombs dropped. She stops walking and opens her eyes. She becomes disturbed by what she sees, and no, it's not a sand worm or something else that a sci-fi Kyle MacLachlan would be riding. The Buggles has ended, and next on her playlist is Mike & The Mechanic's "Silent Running." There's nothing like being suddenly worried and listening to a song that references hiding in a cellar, when there's not a cellar anywhere in sight. Maybe her mirages will have the same taste in music as her.

Reality is sinking in before her eyes. While she was in her happy place, with her dancing and her Walkman, this depressing hopeless future will punch you in the face as if it's mugging you by stealing your good vibes. Miles off in the distance is the skyline of a city in ruins. Skyscrapers are toppled over, smoke covers the city above, and small fires can be seen from the windows of those buildings that preferred a slow death of having some of their floors remain uncollapsed.

The girl is Diana Parker. The good news is that once upon a time, she was fairly popular in high school. The bad news is that more people are worried about food, guns, and water than whether Diana kept in touch with her high school boyfriend Vic. Spoiler alert, they're still very close.

While you can take a stroll through the desert on a Sunday afternoon, listening to your music, and thinking back to a simpler time, eventually you're going to see some city wreckage, and you may hear some motorcycles in the distance, since those are still popular for some reason. That's just the way it goes. There's no denying it anymore. The future sucks.

Let’s not start with the future though. Wait, hold on, we already did. Is it worth continuing, when you know that over half of the population is going to get wiped out? The answer is yes, because before the bombs hit, you're really going to want to know the personal lives of Diana and her friends. In the grand scheme of things, this story is very important, because no joke, Diana and Vic really do make a lovely couple.

It's time to jump back 10 years earlier. May 16th, 1986. Yes, that was a Friday, not a Sunday like during Diana’s future death walk. No need to get our history wrong. Diana's radio alarm goes off as she lays in bed. There's no pop music coming from the radio though, instead it's the hard tones of the morning news DJ.

"President Reagan has just indicated he will not disarm our country's nuclear weapons under any circumstances. This has prompted Russia to immediately release the following statement," the DJ said with monotone conviction. No need to worry about what Russia said, since Diana is barely paying attention to it anyway.  Given that Diana is lying in bed, nearly naked, wearing only her white panties, and with her blanket covering only one of her breasts, this is the most erotic imagery to ever come from Cold War talk over the radio. Diana removes the covers and gets ready to go downstairs for breakfast, since you can't lay in bed and stare at your Tears For Fears posters on the wall all day.

Fully dressed in leggings, a half sweater, and a scrunchie that doesn't look like it belonged to an extra from The Day After, Diana walks into the kitchen with her trapper keeper in hand. Her mother washes the dishes while her dad sits at the table and is reading the newspaper. The headline on the front page is "US Will Not Give In." It's safe to assume that they're not talking about the release of Shanghai Surprise.

Diana is more concerned about whether she put the four swatch watches on her left arm in the correct order. She has priorities, and one of them is certainly not paying attention to the fact that her mother has a rerun of Pinwheel on the small TV by the sink.

Her mom brings her over a plate of eggs and a glass of juice. "I figured you'd be down here soon enough to scarf these down," her mom says with a smirk.

"Thanks, mom," said Diana sincerely.

"Amazing you have enough appetite. We could hear you tossing and turning all night," her dad said, without even looking away from the newspaper. You can tell that he cares.

Diana lets out a big yawn. "I couldn't sleep at all."

"You must be watching too much news," implies her mom, not knowing her daughter at all.

Diana rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, that would be true if the news consisted of knife wielding maniacs.”

"You've been watching too many of those slasher movies," suggests her dad, only knowing what a slasher movie is for a little over a week.

Diana's ride can be heard outside honking. "Like always, I think I hear my ride at just the right moment." She stands up and shoves a whole sunny side up egg in her mouth and chugs half her orange juice. "I'll be back after school." She grabs her trapper keeper and throws her backpack over her shoulder.

"Just don't be two hours late like last night," said her mother loudly as Diana heads towards the door.

Diana stops before opening the door to look towards her mom. "I had cheerleading practice, remember?"

Without waiting for a response, Diana opens the door and leaves the house.

Her mom lets out a disapproving sigh. "You know she failed cheerleading tryouts, right?" she asks her husband.

"I don't want to know about our girl's sex life, dear. That sounds too awkward this early in the morning." He flips the page and continues reading his newspaper.

Diana walks down the front lawn of her house. She lives in a very nice, suburban Midwestern neighborhood. The kind of place where a serial killer probably lives, but life seems too happy and nuclear family looking to care.

Her friends are parked in their giant van in Diana's driveway. Diana runs up to the van, opens the side door, tosses her trapper keeper and backpack inside, and climbs in. Driving the van is Bryce, who wears a fresh new pair of ray ban sunglasses, sports a brown flock of seagulls head of hair, and wears a buttoned up black shirt, which is totally not tucked in, though it's hard to tell since he's driving.

In the passenger seat is Lexi, who is wearing a washed Jean jacket, complete with a neon green shirt, ripped jeans, and jellies. It must be laundry day over at Lexi's house, otherwise she doesn't know what fashion to settle on.

In the middle seats is Kurt. He's the rebellious one, which is easy to see, because he is tall, wears a leather jacket with a ripped Scorpions t-shirt, and has shoulder length curly hair. His girlfriend Lilith sits as close to him as possible and is holding on tightly to his arm. They're either in love, or he's worries the van is going to steal Lilith away from him. Lilith is also wearing a leather jacket; which why wouldn't she be if she's going out with this guy? There's also hoop earrings involved with her look.

Diana is sitting in the backseat with her boyfriend Vic. Vic, with his spiked black hair, is wearing a black suit with the sleeves rolled up, and a bright grey tie. The chucks compliment his suit very much, if the look he's going for is the goofy side character in whatever shenanigans filled plot they're on their way to. The real mystery is why are all of these people friends? It’s a small town, you take what you can get.

"Okay, the kiss hellos are all in, we can get the hell out of here," said Bryce as Diana kisses Vic on the lips.

After backing up out of the driveway, and heading off to school, Bryce keeps his hand out the window letting it flow through the air as he drives along. He's that kind of guy.

"Anyone else not sleep for shit?" asked Diana as she lets out another yawn.

Lilith chuckles and holds on even tighter to Kurt. "You were actually trying to sleep last night?

This excites Kurt very much as he gently bites the side of Lilith's neck as she giggles.

Before Diana can return with a quippy remark, she's distracted by the buzzkill DJ on the radio again. "Russia has given the United States an open window of 72 hours before ultimately resorting to what they call 'their maximum force.'" Still no word on whether this pertains to Shanghai Surprise.

"Can we please change the radio station? I woke up with that news blasting in my ear," Diana huffs.

Bryce gladly changes the radio station. Toni Basil's "Mickey" is playing on the other station. It has less to do with Russia and nuclear arms.

Kurt turns around to Diana to give her a goofy monstrous look. "Rawr, the whole world is going to end!"

Diana isn't amused, but Vic tries to lighten the mood. "I'm actually okay with the world ending. I don’t think I can prepare for the Chemistry test Monday."

Kurt is suddenly worried. "Wait, there’s a chemistry test?

"You're not even in Chemistry class," reminds Lilith.

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to steal the answers for some stupid Freshman." Kurt is ever the businessman.

Changing the subject again, Diana looks at Vic to tell him something a little more personal. "We need to be quieter next time, baby. My parents complained about last night's noise level. They heard me tossing and turning, so I told them I was having a nightmare."

"A little tossing and turning?" taunts Kurt. "Is that what they're comparing your love skills too, my man?"

"Like you're one to talk," Lilith punches him in the chest.

"Hey, when I fuck, you wouldn't mistake it for tossing and turning. You'd swear Van Halen was doing a live concert in the next room." Of course Kurt is a Van Halen fan.

"You’re more like Air Supply, Kurt" Lilith fired back.

This little bit of insult flirting has now caused Kurt and Lilith to roughly make out hardcore in their seat. Bryce however soon becomes a major cockblock by speaking.  

"You know what I did last night? I sat in my room and read. I read all night long.  Don't you guys know how much fun reading is?" Bryce doesn't seem sincere.

"Um," fake ponders Kurt. "Never tried it Bryce."

"Well, I'm a slow reader. I'm a very slow reader." Bryce is being honest about something no one asked him, “It takes me a year to read a novel. I don't like reading,  you guys. I want to have sex."

Lexi decides to chime in. The entire world has forgotten there was even someone in the van named Lexi. "I sat in my room and played Super Mario Brothers." That was a thing that people did back then.

"Wow, such chemistry between Lexi and Bryce," said Kurt sarcastically. "Will you two just fuck already?"

"I can't, I'm driving," answered Bryce.

"He means in the future, you dumb shit." Lexi doesn't appear to like Bryce, or maybe it's one of those will they/won't they situations. The prediction is that they will get together by season 4.

"I'm with the rest of the group," laughs Diana. "The chemistry between you two is just burning up."

"You know what else is burning?" Kurt asked Lilith perversely.

"Oh," Lilith smiles as she grabs his crotch. "I think I can feel it."

"Hey!" shouted Bryce. "Not in my fucking van!"

"It's my fucking van, you dumbass," said Lexi angrily, as she slapped him on the shoulder.

"Well, I'm driving, and I put gas in it, so for the next 5 miles, it's my van." Bryce doesn't know how property works.

Lexi takes a look at the gas gauge. "That's how much gas you put in? You're a fucking cheapskate."

Lilith holds her finger in the air like she has an idea. "Well I think that Kurt and I need to give all four of you some alone space. Vic and Diana need to talk about last night, and Bryce and Lexi need to argue more about van ownership. Kurt and I will be in our little corner if you need us."

She seductively slides right on top of Kurt's lap. She not so subtly pulls down her miniskirt so that Kurt can very easily slip his dick inside her in the middle of the van.  This annoys Bryce, because what he's not telling Lexi is that he also had the seats cleaned; or it could be that he's uncomfortable with two of his friends having sex right behind him as he's driving.

"What did I just say?" Bryce scolds them as if he's their parent on a road trip, and if that parents two teens started fucking.

"Oh, let them fuck," said Diana, being the cool parent. "At least this way they won't be caught fucking in the closet by Mr. Filter."

"Hey, I like Mr. Filter." Lexi is missing the point.

"I do too, but I don't want him to catch me fucking." Diana and the rest of them have officially ignored Lilith and Kurt fucking.

"Can you guys please be quiet for the next 30 seconds," Lilith asked politely as she wants to orgasm.

"30 seconds?" laughed Diana. "You fucking stud. You might beat your record.”

The van pulls up into the school parking lot. The rest of the students are all walking up to the building as well. Kurt is in for a rough morning of class. If he climaxed with  Lilith, then he's going to be very sleepy in first period. If he didn't climax, then he's going to miss half of first period being in immense blue balls pain and having to rub one out in the men's room.

"You know one day, someone driving along side of us is going to see you two," Lexi said to Kurt and Lilith, implying this happens often.

"Oh but Lexi, I want everyone to see us," laughed Lilith as she puts her arm around Lexi.

"You both joke, but I'm the one who's going to get ticketed." Bryce may be upset because no one has their arm around him.

Vic however does lightly punch him on the shoulder. "I told you one day you'd pay for not getting laid, Bryce."

"Serious talk for a minute guys," said Lilith as they all stop walking once they get past the parking lot. "What's going on with this chemistry test on Monday?"

"It's not a test," assured Diana. "It's like a group project, a written report on the effects of radiation."

"Fact or fiction?" asked Bryce.

"Pretty sure it's fact, genius," answered Lexi.

"Guys, it's a written report that's going to make or break the grade of even a straight A student. It's a fucking test," Vic is not happy about this.

"Well, what do we need to pass this thing? We've got three days, and I'm not doing any cramming on Sunday. I've got a busy weekend planned for me of listening to Simply Red and throwing pencils in to my ceiling," Lexi said in such a way that implies that may be true.

The group stands around to think for a second. Lilith is the first one to come up with an answer. "We need Fletcher Van Patten." They all nod in agreement to this suggestion.

It's important to know who Fletcher Van Patten is in this scenario. Fletcher is obviously the high school nerd, which is very important to the group, because obviously being a nerd he knows a lot about chemistry. There's a lot more that could be said about Fletcher, but instead of focusing on the history of a person who is to become very important in the lives of these 6 teenagers, Bryce tells us exactly what's the most important in this time. "You lasted 40 seconds in the van this time, Kurt. That may be a record."