New Comedy Article: Interior Decorating Tips for the Post-Apocalypse

Sure we’re in an increasingly tense political environment, and the actual environment is about to give up on us entirely like an angry spouse who’s been taking your shit just that little bit TOO LONG. Sure our bacteria are becoming immune our anti-biotics and at some point none of medicine will work any more. 

So what next? Sure we’re embarking a decade of numbers-unprecedented-in-history migrating across borders due to both political and actual climate events. Sure North Korea is waving its nuclear prospects around like the giant penis Kim Jong Un has presumably had his state propagandists describe in lovingly purple detail. Sure twitter exists. Sure the end is nigh, but what's the appropriate wallpaper for the apocalypse?

It’s all well and good to acknowledge that your house may well be your castle in the face of disintegrating legal and social standards, but you need to actually start planning for your future. Where are you going to live after the apocalypse, and what will your carpeting selections say about post-apocalyptic you? 

They say every time god closes a door, he opens a window, but what if you need to have both doors and windows hermetically sealed to prevent particulate matter making it into your lungs - what will the curtains say about your style?

The most important thing you can do to preserve your humanity after a cataclysmic breakdown of society is to maintain a semblance of individual fashion forwardness in your home décor choices. Here are some brave DIY options to keep that hygge feel in the toxic wasteland that’s knocking on the door of our times. 

Nautical

Very climate-change appropriate, this interior decorating choice is both functional and timeless. You won’t even remember, when the inside of your house is decorated like a boat, that it actually is a boat, and you’re floating thirty feet above the suburb you used to live in. Use whitewash, trim the edges of your salvaged furniture with rope, and have a plank at hand, so you can hurl mutant scavengers from your deck at the point of a vintage blunderbuss. Circumstances may have made you a pirate, but as Johnny Depp so aptly proved, that doesn't mean you have to lose your swagger!

Vintage

A practical choice in a world where all manufacturing industries will have shut down in the collapse of capitalism; vintage decorating is as cutting edge as it is nostalgic. The disintegration of industry might leave you thinking, “how am I ever going to express myself without buying things to tell people who I am?” but don’t despair! Keep an eye out for quirky items that speak to you in abandoned store-fronts, and when you’re out on a Sunday afternoon raid of a neighbouring compound’s precious food supplies. 

Don’t just worry about how many women you’ll need to steal to meet the heartless quotas of your compound’s brutal leader! A touch of lemon yellow or chequerboard lino will help you convince them to lovelessly fulfil their reproductive duties with you in a vain effort to repopulate the poisoned earth, and why not add a touch of old world charm by doing it on a re-upholstered 50’s sofa?

Minimalist

Look, I know it’s hard to keep surfaces spotlessly white when there’s no electricity grid, but I promise the effects are stunning. As a bonus, if you manage to de-clutter your space, you leave fewer cluttered for ravening mutants to tunnel in behind and sneak into your home unnoticed. While their twisted forms might pass for a bundle of rags in a less organised hovel, in your starkly beautiful home, they’d stand out like the sore thumbs that they bite off their own pustulating hands in radioactive fury. Just make sure you don’t spill canned dog-food on your stainless cream rug - it’s hard enough getting blood out, am I right? 

Raver

The glowing light sticks, lava lamps and vibrant aesthetic of the raver scene are divisive among home fashion connoisseurs. Many claim they won’t age well. But if you’re in a glowing radioactive wasteland anyway, the half-life of your radiant home could be hundreds of years. And let’s be real, you’re not going to survive to get bored of it. Pop on some german techno, lie back on your UV fluorescent rug and enjoy the trippy side of your brain actually melting. 

Compact

An alternative take on the kind of minimalism that involves very large white spaces, tiny houses are the trend of today. These shed-sized homes have been gaining traction in the market for young efficiency-minded people who want to both minimise their environmental impact, and avoid outrageous house prices. They pack all the necessities into space-efficient storage, in a home the size of a trailer. They’re super cute, with cupboards popping up in nifty innovative ways, and furniture folding back like a dolls house. You’ll quickly adapt to the smaller space, or spend more time outside! Another benefit of the tiny home is you can strap them onto the back of a car and bolt when the townsfolk turn on you with pitchforks because the crops have failed again and you've got the wrong colour hair so it’s probably your fault. 

So, those are some lovely little options for you to make a warm and welcoming home for the brief time you’ll have left before the plague or scavenging mutants get you. In a world where all your choices have been taken away from you and the life you were building is gone forever, why not think about paint colour swatches. I promise it’ll help distract you from the brutal reality of the world outside your newly varnished window frame.

----

xx

A

 This idea was originally published on the now defunct SBS Comedy website. I've updated it and punched it up for your delectation