Top Tips for Expressing Grievances via Email

Hi Patreonites. Some of the higher tier subscribers have the option of requesting content (articles/podcast topic/etc) that they would like me to post or topics to discuss. This is one of those posts. 

I guess you'd call it a sponsored post, though I have kept the question asker anonymous at their request. Here is an edited version of their question, and my answer. 

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Q: I'm furious with my ex who is also a coworker. I'd like your advice. Can I use my request to ask you write an article with advice about how to write him an email explaining why I'm angry? It's complicated and I'd like to lay out my issues with him clearly. 

Thankyou, patreonite. I will write this article for you, though I'm not sure that you will like my advice. Other people might give you better advice in the comments below, so check there too. 

My advice for how to write a long angry email is:

1) Don't write a long angry email. 

A long angry email is the stupid idea of ideas about how to have a fight. You cannot get the tone right. You will sound both pompous and childish. The long email will not solve the problem, but it will make whoever receives the email suddenly and boiling-ly furious at you. 

This is because the long angry email is the equivalent of sitting someone down and telling them everything you think is wrong with them, but they don't have the right to defend themselves, correct any of your foundational assumptions or engage in a discussion. You've presented them with your whole side of an imagined argument, as though their input to the discussion were irrelevant. 

Your long email assumes nothing they could say at any point in response to any of your points would change your argument or opinion or tone or content at all. 

This is rude. Maybe you mean it to be rude. But it is also stupid. Unless what you want to do is burn the relationship to the ground, in which case, very clever tactic, carry on. 

In addition, whatever elaborate pile of excellent points you've balanced atop one another in a tower of whiplash rhetoric will be in writing. FOREVER. Have you ever come across your own teenage journal? These things don't age well. 

The exception to the rule that nobody should ever write long emails as a tactic for problem solving is if you want someone to incriminate themselves in writing for legal reasons. In that case, sure, tell them to write as long an email as they want. Tell them it must be at least eight paragraphs. Nobody's ever written eight paragraphs in anger and not incriminated themselves in at least three legit crimes.

2) Don't write after midnight. 

Arguments are like Mogwai. If you feed them after midnight, they get slimy and grow claws.

Sleep on it. I PROMISE you can still send it in the morning if you re-read it and decide that you stand by every line. If you need the satisfaction of having pushed it out of your computer, send it to a friend to copyedit. If there's nobody in your life who would be okay with copyediting the level of vitriol you've packed into your long email, then take that as a hint. 

3) Do use your email as a shot across the bows. 

Use your email to give your opposition (housemate/ex/boss/wife) a heads up that there's an issue. Even mention what the issue involves. Don't get into the details of it. Those are things you can do in person. Try traditional classics like: 

- We need to talk (about x)

- I'm pretty annoyed (about x). Can we arrange a time for a phonecall/cuppa?

- You horrendous f*#king monster, you know what you did. Call me. 

4) If you have to address multiple issues, use dot-points. 

Don't elaborate your arguments in text. Just use your email to open the topics of contention as areas for discussion (on the phone or face to face). However good you are as a writer, tone doesn't carry in emails. They sound accusatory, aggressive or flat. 

5) Emoji don't help. 

They really don't. I mean, they might help a bit. But they really don't help enough to save an angry email. 

Think about Emoji syntactically. They're like dropping a facial expression in at the end of a sentence - they can't be integrated. The effect is like saying something with a deadpan face, finishing the sentence and then suddenly making a smile happen. You look insincere, like a maniac or as though you are a bad actor. 

6) Don't be passive aggressive.

Passive aggression comes from a good place. It's often the move of someone who is trying to avoid a fight, or the potential volume and destruction that can come with outright aggression. The problem is, it doesn't work. The anger is not invisible behind your cloak of friendly self-effacing tropes. 

Your annoyance will, if anything, appear larger when presented in the format of a passive aggressive email. There's something about sans serif fonts that can come across as particularly snide. 

If you have a problem, just say you have a problem, and save the bit where you play down your problem for when you're in a room together and you feel embarrassed about making a big deal out of nothing. 

If you have any more advice for this excellent patreonite, or disagree with my advice, let me know below. If you're a subscriber who wants me to express my opinion on something, feel free to suggest a topic by sending me a message. 

xx

A