Things You Should Know About Safari
Added 2024-12-29 07:33:29 +0000 UTCYou don’t really spot lions in Kruger. Nobody can spot lions, so we spot stationery cars. Then you sidle up next to them and say, “WHATDIDYOUSEEEEEEEEE???” and then they say, “Lions over theeeeeere!!!” and then you say, “WHEEEERRREEE?” and they say, “BY THAT TREE!!.” And then you say, “OOOOH!! I SEEEE!” and then you sit and look until a car pulls up next to you and says, “WHATDIDYOUSEEEEEEEEE???” That’s it. That’s what safari is like.
When you first get to Kruger, you go, “OH MY GOD AN IMPALA STOP THE CARRRR!!!” Then you drive 500 metres and go, “OH MY GOD ANOTHER IMPALA STOP THE CARRRR!!!” Then five minutes later you go, ““OH MY GOD ANOTHER IMPALA IF YOU STOP THE CAR I WILL CUT YOU!!!” A day later you go, “Nuh, bruh. It’s just an impala” and drive on by.
Foreigners call it safari. We call it “going to Kruger.” We don’t have a better word to use. Safari isn’t an option for us.
You go to Kruger to celebrate life’s beauty, which transmutes itself through the majesty of gentle giants like kudus and impala. So exquisite is their beauty that they will alter the way you see the world. Then you go to lunch and eat kudus and impala with potatoes and gravy.
This is unjust because we should really be eating the assholes. Vervets are the assholes.
While we’re on the subject, some animals are pluralised with an “s” and some are not. They are not warthog. They are warthogs. They are not kudus. They are kudu. Elephants and zebras get an “s” and giraffe do not. There is no book to teach you this. You are just born knowing.
Baboons will ransack you at some point, so you might as well just put some oranges on your doorstep and get it over with.
In some parks you have “Mind the dung beetle” signs. They’re protected, so when you drive around, you have to watch for bugs. Nobody knows how to spot bugs from the driver’s seat, but if you drive while repeating “I will not squish bugs I will not squish bugs,” you will definitely squish fewer bugs. It’s facts.
