I Tried to Get Only Fans Spam

Only Fans models are spammy. That’s what they say. In fact, dudebros receive approximately a million times more spam than they send to women’s inboxes asking if we wanna fuck. I decided to find out what this spam was like for myself, so I turned my much-abused affiliate profile into a man with a stock photo and everything. Here’s how it went.

Day One: Strew my love around like glitter. Received no spam.

Day Two: Strew my love around like glitter. Received no spam.

Day Three: Strew my love around like glitter. Received no spam.

Day Four: Realised that if I don’t want to see Only Fans users, I should follow Only Fans users. I followed seven accounts I did not want to see. Two of them followed me back. This caused great pain and tremendous suffering, so I ate some cupcakes.

Day Five: I did the thing that caused me great pain and tremendous suffering again: Followed more Only Fans users. How’s a man going to build a happy life without exposing himself to the things he doesn’t like?

I received no spam, so I cried inconsolably before reminding myself that Andrew Scott is a man who exists. This made me immeasurably happier. You should try it.

Day Six: Was told that if I want spam, I’m meant to leave comments on pages I don’t want to see, so…

This is an objectively excellent butt. Have you considered applying for the Nobel Butt Prize?

Is that a ferret in your butt or are you just happy to see me?

Despite these clearly stellar comments, I received no spam. Both users left me cute hearts and luls, which caused me even more pain and tremendous suffering.

Day Five: My inbox remained empty. @Katy77 did, however, laugh at my joke. Bonus! I decided to try to attract spam by leaving more comments.

I think there’s a star in your butt.

Okay, so maybe I’m not good at leaving leery comments, but this user informed me it was not a star, but a heart. This, too, caused me great pain and tremendous suffering. Being a dudebro is a lot of hard work. So is attracting Only Fans spam. I realised I was going to have to get leery. This was just plain humiliating, but maybe it would work.

I couldn’t bring myself to type any leery comments out, so I copy-pasted some “me nexts” and “nice tits” from Only Fans threads, then put them in other Only Fans threads. This is the most boring experiment I’ve ever done. No wonder the dudebros are sad.

Day 10 or something: Woody told me I needed to try harder to get spam, so I wrote to a few Only Fans models to ask why they hadn’t spammed me. I didn’t get any replies, but I did get a LOL from @xPrincess_Kittyx, which caused me to break out into hives due to trauma.

Then I thought of something. When dudebros I speak of Only Fans spam, do they mean inbox cold calls? Or do they mean women who don't respond to their leery messages? Are they calling any woman who doesn't put out spam? I suspect it might be so. I’ll keep running my experiment, but I don’t expect anything to change. Getting Only Fans spam is hard, kids. I tried.