Two BDSM Noobs Do Not Make a Right

Fetlife is an incredible luxury. We have millions of kinky people and thousands of kink events at our fingertips. The ethics of WIIWD sink into your pores merely if you stand around the scene talking about cupcakes. We go to parties. We develop good kink values. We read posts. We develop even more. We use groups. We learn. We meet new friends. We grow. We play. We evolve.

That’s why I think that hunting for tops out in VanillaVille is setting yourself up for a world of pain. I’m sure there are people out there who get it right, but I doubt there are many of them. The only way to play safely with a vanilla person is if you, yourself, have enough experience to guide you both.

Two BDSM noobs do not make a “right.”

Even after eight years, I still classify myself as a noob. I haven’t developed an AncillaLesque understanding of CNC. I don’t have ShayBlondie’s knowledge of health risks. I don’t have RainDeGrey’s kink scope. I have a fair idea of ethics and consent, but if you want to test my other kink knowledge, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.

In short, I’m not experienced enough for heavy play with inexperienced kinksters. The more inexperienced they become, the more diluted our safety becomes. And the more you dilute something, the easier it is to drown in it. Are you really prepared to try total power exchange with Jeff, the dude who’s only had vanilla sex but is super interested in trying M/s?

I’m not.

Ancilla could probably handle it with panache.

I’d be as elegant as a baby elephant wearing goggles.

I tried online dating once. I managed to meet a dom out there in the vanilla community. He shamed my kinks and called me BDSM-obsessed. The kink scene is an enormous privilege, so if you’re a part of it, I appreciate you.

I also tried playing with a top in VanillaVille. Neither of us knew what edge play was, so we worked ourselves into a knot of extremity that destroyed our relationship utterly.

Of course, I wasn’t done yet, so next I played with a dominant noob with one kink relationship behind him. What. A. Fucking. Mess. That. Was.

If you’re a vanilla noob thinking of getting involved with BDSM with another vanilla noob, please spend time in the kink scene first. Go to parties. Learn good kink values. Read posts. Use groups. Learn. Meet new friends. Grow. Play. Evolve because the alternative can become an unconscionable wreck.