SpanishRed

BDSM is Like Hiking. You've Got to Walk at the Same Pace

Added 2024-06-15 07:11:51 +0000 UTC

When E and I started our relationship, our kinks beautifully. Somewhere along the way, though, I raced ahead. My preferences became increasingly extreme, and his stayed exactly where they'd always been. This happens, and if you’re not poly, it’s tough to negotiate the pace. When your kinks become unmatched, your relationship is a lot like a hike.

Some hike leaders walk at the front to goad the party into setting a faster pace.

Some lead from the back, allowing the slowest hiker to negotiate the climb in their own time </unintentional rhyme>.

One of these strategies will lead to injuries.

One will not.

That's why experienced climbers go slowly -- so that Lucy doesn’t get left behind with her picnic. Harry doesn’t trip over his shitty shoes and fall down the mountain. Jessica doesn’t get killed for tripping over Doctor Drax, the exceptional doggo.

So it is with BDSM. When your kinks fall off-kilter, you have two options:

Lead from the back, allowing your partner to negotiate the climb in their own time.

Push them so hard they fall off a cliff.

If you choose the latter, consent violations will follow swiftly, even if you’re a sub. If you’re nagging and coercing your partner to move faster, you’re no longer hiking buddies. You’re a hot mess. Sometimes, going slower and arriving later is the fastest way to the end because carrying Frank and his broken leg takes time.

Not all kinksters are in it for extremes. CNC doesn’t suit everyone. Nor does edge play. Sometimes, your partner has no intention of reaching the end of the trail. He mainly came along to pick a few flowers and return to the beginning, and that’s okay.

Sometimes you don’t want to pick flowers, and that’s okay, too. This isn’t a time for pushing. It’s a time for self-honesty. Can you spend your life hiking at his pace? Or are your unmatched kinks a deal breaker? Both alternatives are perfectly valid. Coercion is not. You have two choices: