Unsafe to Play With

Back when dinosaurs still roamed Fetlife, we used to use a label called, “unsafe to play with.” It’s easy to fit a top into a predatory label. They have the power to push limits and boundaries in obvious, often devastating, ways. Predatory S-types have the camouflage of submission, and there’s no textbook language to define it. “Unsafe to play with” gave us the words that were missing, but you rarely see them floating around the kink scene anymore.

All bottoms are assumed safe to play with these days.

If a bottom turns out to be unsafe to play with, it’s the top’s fault.

This is tripe.

Coercion happens to tops, too, and when it does, it’s every bit as predatory and harmful. Bottoms can push their d-types into harrowing situations. We also push ourselves into dangerous positions, assuming that if we get traumatised, our tops won’t be affected.

They will.

Oxford defines coercion as “compelling someone to do something by using force or threats.” It violates free will in order to induce a desired response.

If you feel obligated, that’s not free will.
If you feel pushed, that’s not free will.
If you feel guilted, (say it with me) it’s not free will.

Coercion has enough disguises to fill a Halloween store. It can play out as positive persuasion, which is otherwise known as grooming. If a sub’s being sweet and cute while they groom you, it’s that much easier to be persuaded.

Subs who do this are unsafe to play with.

Coercion can also play out in the form of threats. She needs rape play. If she doesn’t get it, she’ll be forced to cheat on you.

Subs who do this are unsafe to play with.

Coercion can be nagging. Nagging can be physical. It can even involve alcohol and drugs because it’s hard to say “no” when you can’t even pronounce it.

Subs who do this are unsafe to play with.

Men who aren’t used to spotting predatory behaviours, listen up. Coercion sometimes qualifies as assault. If you capitulate, it’s a consent violation at best and a predatory action at worst. It’s not okay to push people to do things they don’t want to do, even if they’re tops. Nor is it okay to knowingly take on risks without informing your partner.

Subs who do this are unsafe to play with.

Back when we had dinosaurs, “unsafe to play with” went beyond coercion. It also defined s-types who wouldn’t know a boundary if it bashed them over the head and dragged them back to their caves. Unsafe subs might use BDSM as self-harm. They might be disinterested in managing their own trauma. No limits subs, this is for you. Your limits don’t just protect you. They protect your top. If all you have are yesses, you're probably unsafe to play with.

And by ‘probably’, I mean ‘almost certainly’. And by almost ‘almost certainly’, I mean ‘definitely’ but if I say it outright, all the no-limits subs will come after me like velociraptors.

I’ll just run into that cave over there and start a fire or something.

D-types, your boundaries and limits are unimpeachable. Just because we don’t mention them during our negotiations, doesn’t mean they’re irrelevant. They should play a part in your pre-scene conversations. If you don’t know your boundaries and limits, though, you, too, are unsafe to play with.