Things You Should Know About Subs

• Not all subs are masochists. Not all masochists are subs. If you can’t grasp that, you will make a thousand harmful mistakes. You need a full picture of your play partners, not just a list of nopes, so please stop expecting masochists to submit and subs to take pain. If you need a masochist, don’t go forth and find a sub.

• Consent is more than just a list of limits. It’s an understanding of where your bottom is coming from, what calls to them, and where they hope to go. Much like a colouring book, it’s a lot easier to complete the picture when you have an outline of the larger image. Our limits naturally emerge from our outlines, so you’re less likely to violate our consent if you understand who we are. Don’t just note our limits. Understand them.

• Never make the mistake of thinking subs are incompetent. Our competence and power are the only reasons we can submit in the first place. Stop assuming we want or need your “help” in our day-to-day lives. Most of us are doing just fine.

• There are no regulations to define a single acceptable level of submission. We’re all different, and we don’t have to meet your standards. The moment we honour our individuality is the moment our D/s dynamics deepen.

• Wetness is not consent. Play is highly sexual for many of us, but that doesn’t mean we want to fuck every top we play with. Vanilla Land might define sex by its ultimate goal, but this is Kink Land. ‘Round here, we do things a little differently. If your bottom looks like a horse in musth and they’ve told you penetration is a hard limit, it doesn’t mean you can renegotiate mid-scene.

• Some of us are masochists to process our feelings. Some of us are masochists to express our self-hatred. Some of us adopt the role because we’re using S&M as an excuse to self-harm. Not all masochism is healthy. Toxic masochism might be compelling to a sadist, but it tends to bite eventually.

• While we’re on the subject, just because your masochist is dysfunctional, doesn’t mean you’re capable of curing them.

• Some of us like stingy things. Some of us like thuddy things. Some of us want the exact opposite of what we like. This requires explicit consent, though, so please ask your bottom what soft limits mean to them. Some of us might want a top to push them, but some of us do not.

• This point is mainly just here as the requisite “Annoy the OCD Folks Who Need a List to End at 10.”

• Aw, fuck. Have a 10, then.

• But also an 11. Checkmate.