Open Letter from a Dude Who Thinks Men Have it Worse than Literally Everyone Else

Dear SpanishRed

I've come to your inbox to inform you that men have harder lives than women. We’re so damaged by our privilege that there's even a Wikipedia post about it. F'rinstance, did you know that men hardly ever get The Sex? <Insert Wikipedia link with 6, 000 citations that suggest the opposite of what I just said.>

What's that you say? My Wikipedia page doesn't say what I thought it said? Okay, so maybe I didn't read it. I mainly just attached this here condom to a piece of string and skryed over some Google search results. My inaccuracies are women's fault because you’re not supposed to read my citations. You're only meant to look upon them admiringly for five minutes before saying, "Ya got me, Norman. You're totes right because you put these 50 links in my inbox."

Men are also more likely to die of celibacy. I don't have a Wiki page to prove that, but I believe it to be true, which is all you really need. Besides, if a study existed, it would prove my point. The patriarchy is women’s fault! The guilt alone should be enough to drown you in Wiki-tears. Oh, right. You're a woman, so you wouldn't know about tears.

I get that toxic masculinity or the patriarchy or whatever makes everyone miserable, but when you say women get raped a lot, you belittle the very real problems that men face. On an academic level, it sucks to be a man living in a sexless void. It's totally different for women, but I don't want to talk about that because ultimately, it wouldn't be productive.

Let's get back to my scholarlimitude.  

Society still holds the ideal that men must be powerful and unreachable. I mean unteachable. I mean unreachable. Yes, that's the word I meant. Anyway, if you watched any movie in the Nineties, you would see that masculine role models cause real damage. <insert linky link to Wikipedia, cuz what's a "Google Scholar"?> Boys aren't allowed to show their penises to passing feeeemales, which is why dudebros exist. I'm not saying they're nice people. I'm just saying have you ever thought about how hard it must be to be a dudebro? It's way worse than being raped and femicided and earning less cash and whatever other vissimilitudes you feminaninists believe in.

All I'm saying is it's hard to be a rapist, and did you know 87% of all men are rapists? Or was it 87% of all rapists are men? Bloody hell. I'm no good at this math stuff, but that's because I spend my life crying over the fact that society forces me to sexually harass my neighbour, Jenny, every day, because she refuses to give me The Sex.

I know women live with a lot of pain, but rape culture isn't the liability you think it is because you get more dates. I just don't feel you've thought about the benefits of femicide enough.

Yours sincerely

Norman