Prisoners of Sol - The Vascar Manual

The Vascar Manual, Vol. 1

Written by Preston for the Worthless Clanker to see

[Section Excerpt from “Rust”]

Your useless machine has inferior joints, vulnerable to existing around oxygen. Despite this element being common on many planets, they haven’t evolved away from their pathetic alloys. It’s advised to refurbish their chassis before the ugly brown spreads and rots their skin. Unlike organic tissues, their lousy hides can’t repair themselves; they have no scabbing system. Major L.

Rusted machines also become extra annoying, since they make creaky sounds when they walk or move. These irritating noises are reason enough to euthanize your clanker. This organic’s unit said this was a valid justification to power him off, so even they agree. All they had to do was sit still, instead of being a massive disturbance. But those dumbfucks say they don’t age!

What to do with your obsolete rustbucket:

• Put them in a pit of acid to dissolve them the rest of the way.
• Put a pile of literal feces next to their charging station (I know you have one) to remind them how yucky the rust color is and shame them.
• Eject them into outer space where there’s no oxygen. This is helping, since they can’t rust further. However, the gross roboburritos don’t appreciate our help.
• Parade a newer model past them and refuse to speak to them to show that they’re no longer wanted. Not that they ever were.
• Laugh about how rust-free you are. They will seethe in many ways, but we are just superior. Feel good about yourself. They say our bodies aren’t good? Delusional junkscrap!
• Recycle them so they can be useful for a change.

Whatever entirely appropriate course of action you decide on, remember the saying: “Once they rust, react with disgust.”

[Section Excerpt from “Listening”]

Despite having audio sensors that are in the correct range of functionality, robots may fail to process the stimuli that you speak at them. They are unable to parse emotions in their simplest forms, needing everything explained to them about basic decency and natural responses. There is a phenomenon described as “robotic, unfeeling droid syndrome.” The machine’s thoughts focus on finding a logical explanation, without giving a shit about you. This is why it’s often not worth having a conversation with them. Horrible conversationalists.

The best way to handle this is a way to confront them and elicit the “guilt” subroutine, so that they will make efforts to be less unlikeable. Here are various comments that you can cycle through, as well as examples of what won’t work.

Ways to make the Vascar feel horrible:

• “I will disconnect my heart from my arteries because nothing that beats within is worth caring about.”
• “Vascar [name], your calculation matrix appears to be drifting elsewhere when you are with me. A real friend would focus. Should this human retract my wonderful friendship? I do not wish to disturb your ping-ponging ones and zeroes.”
• “I will depress myself for a month if you don’t demonstrate some empathy.” [cry and wail “YOU RUINED ME! I SHALL DIE NOW!”]
• “My feelings are not good enough to be encoded and responded to.” [slump over in chair and begin rocking back and forth]

Ineffectual ways to make the Vascar feel horrible:

• “You’re a douchebag. No really, you, Mikri Tin Can the First who better be reading this, are the worst piece of trash ever.”
• “I can see that you really love me! You should be my therapist! I will discuss my ebbs and flows of emotion at length with poetic language.”
• “Please be exultant at my sensitivity, so that I can feel cherished and loved. Surely you must relish my emo phase?”
• “It’s a shame you can’t go into your chromosomes and download a feeling gene.”
• “Your auditory sensors need an upgrade. Are you broken? Is this the memory wipe? Should you be wiped? Can I delete you already? Hurry up and die!”

The effectiveness of your methods depend on the degree of worthlessness of your machine, and whether they ever do anything right. Don’t count on it.

Next

A/N - After discovering Mikri’s human manual, Preston writes one for the Vascar with the hope that his robot best friend will see it. The first flaws he picks out are rusting and unemotional listening. How do you think Mikri will feel about this retaliatory commentary? Will he respond? Is any of this dubious advice for how to handle androids meant to be taken seriously?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!