Rigid Negotiation Protocols Can be Deeply Coercive
Added 2024-04-03 05:44:28 +0000 UTCOver the weeks I spent with B, I saw him tie a veritable horde of rope bunnies. I was one of them. B wasn’t RACK or PRICK or any such thing. B was BESPOKE.
Bottom A was up for gore and blood.
Bottom B needed a gentler touch.
Bottom C was new and needed to learn basic safety.
Bottom D had an illness that required a particular kind of tie.
Bottom E was your basic masochist with a sense of humour.
B knew every bottom was different. He knew their afterplay needs. He knew their bodies’ strengths and weaknesses. He knew who loved CNC and who struggled with rape trauma. He took the time to get to know us all. He adapted to all of us.
Do you know what rope heroes get? A lot of willing bottoms begging to be tied, so much of the time I spent with him involved rope of some description. I watched his dynamics unfold and created some of my own. You’d think a bespoke approach would be the norm, but I’ve met very few tops like B. The vast majority of the pick-up play I’ve seen at parties has required the bottom to adapt to a negotiation protocol that has apparently been cast in stone. Even in my own relationships, I was required to fit the top, who made little to no effort to fit me.
It's easy to become that rigid when you’re doing a lot of pick-up play. Who has time to listen to every sub at the party?
Still, I find that approach deeply flawed. If there’s anything a people-pleasing sub knows how to do, it’s twist themselves into knots in an attempt to keep their top happy. If that requires them to sacrifice their own needs, that’s what they’re going to do.
This might shock you, but submissives tend to be submissive. We have to work hard to learn how to prioritise our own needs. Rigid protocols might work for the hard-assed 35-year-old who’s been bottoming since they turned 20, but they can have a coercive effect on less experienced bottoms.
And yes, I’m asking you to make room for error when you play with inexperienced bottoms. I’m not asking you to absorb responsibility for all their flaws and mistakes, but I am asking you to treat every bottom as though they are unique.
Because they are.
