This Penis Plaster is Totally Not a Condom Substitute (Anymore)

In 2017, a Fetlifian who’d invented an awesomely awesome new contraceptive asked me to write some copy for his site. Awesome is, of course, a relative term. If you don’t see pregnancy and HPV as problems, Jiftip is an awesome condom substitute.

Essentially, it’s a plaster for your penis. It’s stuck over the urethral entrance and ripped off violently after it’s destroyed your orgasm. No, I’m not kidding. A year back, its selling point was: “It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing.” I’m sure you want to try it now.

 Jif Guy was on Fetlife to recruit fellow Fetlifians for a ‘trial’ so unempirical I could have designed it when he was 12. You get to try out a product that might land you in baby-serious shit while helping an internet stranger to collect data. Did I mention that you have to pay for the product, too? Yup. Jif Guy is totally not running his “beta” test for profit. I passed on some information about his product’s inability to protect against STIs, but Jif Guy didn’t care, which tells you how unbiased his “beta test” results will be.

Fetlife kicked the Jiftip page off swiftly, and I reported it to the FDA. Five years later, it’s still bloody there.

I’ve visited the site every so often to see if he’s still making absurd claims. Whether the FDA took notice, I cannot say, but Jif Guy has done a lot of back-pedalling since then. He claims not to market it for STIs these days because that would just be “stupid”. (His word, not mine) His site also says, “Slam the door on foreign invaders and send a few eager baby-seeds back to their room.” Even so, it’s no longer calling its product contraception. The site’s disclaimer goes the tune of “if you get HIV it’s not our fault.” The inventor now calls his product it a condom substitute for couples who don’t mind accidental pregnancy.

I thought Jiftip would remain my obscure and pointless cause, but it went viral that year. Everyone from Huff Post to Men’s Health made a mockery of it, and several doctors expressed their outrage because ”Effectively, this (insane) device is giving you an anterior urethral stricture/obstruction. Bad things will happen.” Urologist Koushik Shaw says, "Ejaculating under high-pressure circumstances may back up your system. This practice could lead to prostate or penile pain if done repeatedly.”

Did Jif Guy realise the idiocy of his product and shut the site down? Hell, no. he redesigned it and began to claim his product is for "novelty and pleasure." He cannot explain how ripping a turbo-strength adhesive off the head of your cock is fun, though. He’s invented a new need, too: Jiftip keeps vaginas free of pre-cum because all hell would break loose if sex got messy and wet. Now you’re supposed to apply it, have sex, pull out before orgasm, rip the sticker off, and then finish up some other way.

Kind of like the rhythm method with an extra dose of inconvenience. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting my period so I need to go glue by labia together.