Which Vanilla Kink Are We Faking Today?

Sara puts her slut on every morning before she even puts on her shoes. Her vagina is open for business 24/7, especially if you’re a stranger. She has a secretary to manage her social media accounts because how else can she keep up? She throws yesses at every man who writes, and that’s a lot of people to get through. She doesn’t require them to be a single person. Any crowd will do. If you and your partner are looking for a third, Sara’s the unicorn you’ve been waiting for. If you’ve always wanted a gang bang, Sara will say, “What time?”

Don’t get me wrong—Sara’s not particularly kinky. She mainly just takes on the kinks of the vanilla folk around her. If you want anal, Sara does anal. If you don’t want anal, Sara is perfectly happy to live without it. If you want to choke someone out, Sara’s into breath play. If you don’t, she’s not. If you want to try out the fisting scene you saw on Pornhub, Sara’s always in the mood unless you’re looking for a different kind of woman, in which case she will morph into whomever you want her to be.

Sara is all kinky women, and all kinky women are like Sara. That’s why there are 50 dudebros in your inbox: You’re Sara. I’m Sara. Every Fetlifian woman is Sara. When Tinder doesn’t work, all you’ve got to do is sign up to Fetlife, because that’s where all the Saras hang out. Just ask that guy who made The Meat List.

Don’t get me wrong—Sara isn’t that kinky. Mainly she just has poly-vanilla sex in bed. She’s just spicy enough to be palatable to Norman and the other dudebros. There are a lot of those to get through, by the way, so kindly arrive with your condom already on. Sara must use her time economically.

She is, of course, a princess by day and a slut by night because isn’t that what all vanillas want? Yup. Sara is a virginal slut who’s had every kind of sex imaginable but also no sex at all.

To the vanilla masses on Fetlife, we’re all the same: Slutty, virginal, and very good at morphing to serve vanilla strangers’ ideas of kink. You know Sara doesn’t exist. I know it, too, but Norman’s not going to stop looking for her just because some random kinky woman told him what kinky women are really like.

Hey, Norman, maybe the women of Fetlife came here for the actual kink, and not to transform into the woman in your porn clips. Maybe fishing for kinky women with vanilla bait is like fishing for trout using a piece of string with a stone tied to the end. Maybe kinky isn’t a synonym for slutty. Hell, maybe half of us are monogamous and already involved in relationships. Maybe we’re looking for big brains, not big dicks. Maybe we have a whole list of kinks we’re not willing to live without, so we choose partners who jive with them.

Maybe vanilla dicks are pieces of string with a stone tied to the end. Maybe none of your body parts are attractive bait. Maybe there are no Saras on Fetlife lining the walls with their vaginas in the air.

Wait. What am I talking about? Norman is always right about The Wimmenz, so I’m Sara. You’re Sara. We’re all Sara. Which vanilla kink are we faking today?