Some sadists do this thing we do because they love BDSM. Some do it because they hate women.

Some sadists do this thing we do because they love BDSM.

Some sadists do it because they hate women.

Some dominants are in it for the power exchange, and some are in it because they need to control everything around them to feel whole.

Those motives matter. Healthy BDSM requires healthy foundations. Some are involved in kink for fun. Some just want to destroy people… or feed their narcissism… or prove they’re less fragile than they really are, and masochists are no different. We have our own pathologies, and glittery wrapping can't cure the anthrax in the box.

Some of us do this thing we do because we love BDSM.

Some do it because we hate ourselves.

Some are in it because we need to be controlled to feel at peace. Some do it to destroy ourselves.

Some of us approach D/s from a healthy perspective and some of us use it like a self-harmer uses a blade. If you put two pathological people together, pathology will leak out, so are you here to find something new or are you here to hide from something old? Are you here to connect or to avoid connection? Are you here to create something? Or destroy it?

Two Dutch psychologists did a study of BDSM practitioners’ mental health in 2013. They found that we were (mostly) the picture of health. We were less neurotic than vanilla groups, more conscientious, and less sensitive to rejection. We even had a better sense of well-being.

We were less agreeable, of course, because the kink scene will argue a topic until it rots and turns into mushrooms. Most of us are here for pleasure, but the study found that we were also more vulnerable to abuse.

That’s why I’m asking this question: Are you here to build or destroy? If it’s the latter, what ethical controls do you have in place to prevent harm?

Two weeks ago my brother asked my advice on moving to the Cape. He was concerned that he might be running from his problems rather than towards solutions. When I told my therapist about the conversation, he told me the answer was obvious: It was both.

So you’re telling me that we can do things for both healthy and unhealthy reasons simultaneously? <cleans exploded brain off the furniture>

This thing we do is confounding. <wipes temporal lobe off cheek> I’m a recovering anorexic and self-harmer. My experience of BDSM floats in and out of healthy waters all the time. <brushes cerebellum out of hair> Sometimes it’s toxic. Sometimes it isn’t, so I monitor myself when I’m involved in a relationship. I’ve learned that kink isn’t a destination, but a vehicle. You can pack it with anyone and drive it anywhere you please, even to a psych ward or prison cell.

Are you here to find your identity? Or are you here to disappear?