Sometimes a Bad Sub is the Best Kind of Sub To Be

I’m not a sub because I’m a submissive person. I’m a sub because I’m looking for that one rare human who makes me melt into a puddle of, “I’ll do anything you want me to.”

The most beautiful passage I’ve ever read about kink goes like this:

“Each cut, each scar, each burn, a different mood or time. I told him what the first one was, told him where the second one came from. I remembered them all. And for the first time in my life I felt beautiful—finally part of the earth. I touched the soil and he loved me back.”

That’s the kind of D/s relationship that puts me in a place of silence and waiting. When a man loves me well enough to examine all my scars, I’ll do just about anything for him. One moment I’m SpanishRed the Bratty Bottom Who Complains a Lot™. The next moment, I’m a puddle. Everything inside me has melted, and I feel compelled to serve, just like magic.

The trouble is that anything that can be gained can also be lost. I’ve lost the desire to serve before, so I know the guilt that comes with it. I’d shown my dominant each cut and scar, and he had judged me for all of them. I touched the soil and he didn’t love me back. Several consent violations into the relationship, I reconstituted my melted self and turned into a cloud.

If you can float high enough, bad men can’t hurt you. Melting is not recommended with people like that, so suddenly I had no desire to submit. I could no longer fill my role in our D/s dynamic.

I had become a bad sub.

I read all those essays you find on Fetlife about keeping your submission alive. In the past, my submission had made me melty by magic. I didn’t have to try to submit. It became an innate desire borne of respect and love. Now suddenly that wasn’t happening, so for a while, I thought my submission was fickle and fleeting.

Now I know ice doesn’t melt without heat, and D/s doesn’t happen without respect and care. If you’ve lost the desire to serve, first ask yourself if your dominant lost the desire to love you. Sometimes, a bad sub is the best kind of sub you can be. If there’s a contaminant in your waters, the best way to get rid of it is to evaporate and become a cloud.

Float beyond your dynamic. Float away from your “dominant.” Find soil that’s rich enough to yield flowers when it rains.