Everything That's Wrong With Those Consent Violation Posts

Bobby Dog always used to get underfoot, so I developed a habit of taking off my shoes when he was nearby. Before I learned my lesson, I was subject to a whole manner of dramatic yelps. It was frightening, so I stopped to examine the offending paw every time. Still, the guilt would sit with me for hours. There were always treats in it for him.

This matters in the kink scene.

Almost every time a bottom shares a consent violation on Fetlife, the offending top’s response is, “Bullshit. I didn’t do that because <insert justifications here>” Think about this for a second. If one of your play partners spoke out about harming them in a scene, would your response be:

1. “Oh my god I had no idea. What can I do to repair it?”

or

2. “I never did that, bitch.”

There’s one reaction that I never had with Bobby Dog: To insist that nothing had happened and admonish him for yelping without reason. That yelp was enough to mortify me. I felt awful every time it happened because I loved him to pieces and didn’t want him to be hurt. If he was hurt, I wanted to know so that I could take him to the vet. Once it had happened a few times, I learned from the experience and stopped wearing shoes during visits with Bobby.

What I did not do is scold him for yelping. How would I protect him if he never cried out?

After a yelp, my excuses were irrelevant because they wouldn’t keep Bobby Dog safe.

My justifications were irrelevant because they wouldn’t keep Bobby Dog safe.

Denial was pointless because it wouldn’t keep Bobby Dog safe.

You might have noticed one commonality in those three lines: If it didn’t keep Bobby Dog safe, it was a waste of time. It didn’t achieve my ultimate goal, which was to protect The Holy Bobby Dog Paws.

When a top writes a defense for a consent violation, I always blanche. If I were put in that situation, my first response would be, “How can I fix this?” not, “How can I defend my reputation?” I would go to the bottom in question and listen. What did I do? How can I fix this? Can I make amends? What does the bottom need from me?”

And face it, if these defensive tops had done that in the first place, the bottom would never have written a public post about the violation. Sure, there might be some vindictive subs out there, but in most cases, they aren’t out to harm their tops. They just want to be heard. They only shout when talking doesn’t work.

I’ve been one of those shouting bottoms. I didn't speak out the first time my ex violated consent. I didn’t speak out when we first broke up. I tried to repair the damage with him directly. He didn’t want to make reparations, but even then, I wasn’t ready to shout. It was only when he began stalking my event feed and running his own virulent smear campaign that I felt the need to defend myself.

My only valid defense was the truth.

Next time you see a bottom speak out about a violation, ask yourself what had to happen to get them to that point.

And when you see a top write an angry denial, ask yourself if you’d respond the same way after learning you’d hurt someone. Would you tell the harmed person you didn’t do a damn thing wrong…

… or would you take off your shoes?