Don't Kill Me, But I Think We Could All Learn a Few Things From Vanillaville

Yesterday a vanilla man we’ll call Jack told me it was common sense to avoid edge play with uneducated tops. I can tell you exactly why he thought that way: He’s vanilla. The BDSM fairies haven’t scrambled his brain.

I told him it wasn’t as obvious as he thought, especially among subs who are desperate to please. On your way to safety, you have to pass a river of submissive bottoms who trust their partners more than they trust themselves. Jack doesn’t know this because that degree of submission isn’t typical of vanilla people. There’s rarely a river to cross in their world.

Whale sharks spend their lives swallowing oceans of water in their attempt to capture the tiny sea creatures that nourish them. You don’t get to separate your plankton from the detritus with a knife and fork when you’re a shark. You have to swallow a lot of water. I’m like that, and maybe you are, too. I’ve digested plenty of rational information about kink, but every time I’ve opened my mouth, salt water and toxic bullshit went in at the same time.

Eight years ago, Fetlife’s most popular Fetlebrity was a One Twue Wayist who complained about how empowered today’s subs had become. In those days, his screed was easy to normalise, so normalise, I did. While I was complaining about his funky ethics, I was absorbing his toxic expectations into my life. He was the water, not the food, but once you’ve been in the scene a while, it’s hard to see the plankton for the seaweed.

That’s how I learned half the toxic things I unwittingly believe today. I have an intellectual understanding of our One Twue Wayist’s toxicity, but I absorbed many of his lessons all the same. Jack Vanilla has never swallowed those lessons. He might be ignorant about our consent practices. He might have less knowledge than we do about rope or breath play, but he’s right on this: It should be obvious to assess our risks upfront rather than clambering into edge play with negligent tops.

Even so, not all BDSM risks are obvious. Not everyone is knowledgeable enough to identify risk, and this requires some scientific literacy to assess. Few people are scientifically literate. I'm a bright enough person. I didn't know deep-throating could cause aspiration. I didn't know that some waxes burned hotter than others. I didn't know rope could affect your blood pressure. You can Google "how dangerous is heroin" but it's not so easy to find out which wax to burn or how to untie someone safely. Would most people even know that untying was risky? No. You wouldn't dream of it even being an issue.

Jack told me you wouldn’t go to a mechanic for brain surgery, so why would you go to a noob for edge play? I agree, of course, but the alternative medicine industry is making a killing. Few people are scientifically literate enough to understand the risks of so-called "natural" cures, so I'm not about to say, "Eh. This is obvious. Everyone will know already." They don't, because cognitive dissonance is universal among humans and most of us resolve it in irrational ways.

When I was new to kink, I thought I'd be safe with inexperienced people if I kept a long list of hard limits. I learned the hard way that I wouldn't be. I learned even more when I played with a heavily experienced top who'd had several mentors over a 20-year period. These lessons come with time, but I think we could all learn a few things from Jack Vanilla.