Things Straight Men Should Know About Dating

• In the 21st century, it’s completely impossible to know whether it’s a date or just a platonic outing, so just wait and see if your date attempts to kiss you. This will definitely work.
• Unless your date is using the same test.
• The Friend Zone has been scrapped and been replaced with The Fuck Zone. If you're upset that your date didn’t shag you, it doesn’t mean they friend zoned you. It means you fuck zoned them. You can’t buy sex with dinner, but you can definitely be an entitled date. That’s one small step backward for mankind and one giant leap for feminism.
• Since we’re on the subject, women don’t lose their capacity for attraction with the passage of time. We can stew in our own lust for years on end. It’s just that men think three sexless dates mean friendship, so they convince us they aren't interested in more. If there was a friend zone, you’d be 50% responsible for creating it. Put that in your fleshlight and smoke it.
• We all wake up smelling like mints and soap. This doesn’t occur because we wake up earlier and sneak into the bathroom, so stop spreading lies, Frank.
• This post was legitimately meant to be helpful. I don’t know what happened.
• We all have different tolerance levels for gentlemanly manners. Some women (who are definitely not me) feel like princesses when you open their doors. Other women are fully confident in their royal roots, so they can confidently open their own doors. Okay, that was mean to women who definitely aren’t me. Let me rephrase. Some women feel more feminine when you open their doors. Other women are fully confident in their ability to move a wooden object on a hinge. Sorry. I can totally do this without insulting anyone. Third try’s the charm. Some women find gentlemanly manners polite and considerate, and some women eat M&Ms off the carpet. How’s that?
• We’ve entered the 21st century, so it’s finally okay to go Dutch, but only if you didn’t suggest the date. If you did suggest the date, it’s customary to pay. But if you pay, she might get stressed in case you think putting dinner in the slot makes sex drop out, so only pay for the date if you’ve reassured her that you’re not paying for sex. She will then worry that the date doth protest too much, so you should probably just let her pick up the bill. Then all she’ll worry about is whether you live in your mum’s basement. This is not a loaded issue at all. Just bring some bingo cards. The person who wins pays for the date while judging you for your concerning interest in bingo.
• I’m sleepy. This post is not my fault.