How to Get Laid on Fetlife As a Straight Male

If you ask your average dudebro, Fetlife is a terrible tool for getting laid. They’ll tell you it’s because 90% of the women on the site are fake profiles with pictures stolen from last year’s Pirelli calendar. The other 10% are here to make a killing through Only Fans. To dudebros, all 100% of us are made out of pixels, not flesh--in more ways than one.

The men who call Fetlife a terrible sex tool have two things in common:

-1. They want to plug into the site as though it’s an IV drip, then sit back and wait for the sweet nectar of easy sex to flood their veins. Their drip bag is empty because we’re not real women. What other reason could there possibly be for their inability to find fetish delivery systems?

1. They trawl the site looking for sex, not people.

They don’t go to events more than once or twice, so clearly they would know if there were real women on Fetlife. </sarcasm>

I’m rarely treated at parties the way I’m treated by Fetlife cock shot avatars. Most of the men who are active in our community are polite and well-mannered. We have our predators, of course, but we also have our jewels.

Most of these walking bags of awesomeness and testosterone use Fet to keep track of events and do a little socialising. In other words, they use the site to integrate into the kink community and then many of them get enough kink to swim in. Want to know why? Because we only become kinky sluts after Prince Charming asks us how we’re doing and legitimately listens to the answer. I’ve watched someone who once called himself average turn into That Guy People Queue to Play With. He doesn’t call himself average anymore.

At every party, there are those few men who stand by the cupcake table making their motives known to anyone who can follow their gaze from breast to breast. They’re there to get laid, so they don’t get laid. Women have a mysterious gift for telling the difference between men who are interested in real people and men who want walking fleshlights. We don’t have sex with the latter too often because treating women like people, it turns out, is a really good way to get laid.

The kink community is outstanding for finding play partners if you’re a respectful and respectable guy.

It’s not complicated. Treat us like objects, we’ll treat you like you don’t exist.