Repost: Don't Let the Myosites Bite

“Myosite Helpline, how may I assist you?”

“Hi, I… I was just transferred here from 911. Something happened to me…”

“Excuse me, ma’am, can I ask who I’m speaking with?”

“Ma’am? I’m not a woman!”

“Oh, I’m sorry little boy, your voice threw me off. How old are you? Do your parents know you’re on the phone?”

“I’m a grown goddamned man! My voice isn’t supposed to be like this!”

“Oh, wow, your myosite infestation must be quite advanced if you’ve already been fed upon this much.”

“What the hell is a myosite? I still don’t get what’s going on…”

“Sir, let me just ask you a couple of questions first. Height and weight?”

“6’4”, 275 pounds.”

“Good god! You’re a heavy fella! Slow metabolism? Sedentary job?”

“I’m not overweight, I’m a bodybuilder!”

“Oh, good God. Hold on a moment. (Jeannie, we have another bodybuilder on the line! I’m gonna need the “Extreme Cases” binder!) Okay, sir, now be specific with me. When you just gave your height and weight, were you referring to current measurements?”

“I… I guess no, not since I woke up today. Something happened to me while I slept!”

“I’m going to need you to tell me what your current measurements are. I know you bodybuilder types always have a scale in the house, so go weigh yourself right now.”

“Okay, I-I’ll check… *gasp* This can’t be right…”

“Sir, what’s the scale say?”

“It’s… I mean, it’s got to be wrong… It says 95 pounds!”

“Okay, sir, can you estimate your height?”

“This isn’t possible! I couldn’t lose 180 pounds overnight!”

“Sir, I’m going to have you estimate your height for me now.”

“It’s… It’s… I dunno, I’m a lot shorter!”

“Use something as a guideline. Are you in your bathroom? Where is your eye-line in relation to, say… your towel rod?”

“It’s… it’s about eye level…”

“Okay, goodness. Well, sir, there’s a good chance your house is infested with myosites. They’re a vicious little insect that feed on muscle fibers and testosterone, and they’re attracted to large sources of both. They strike overnight while you sleep. Sounds like you were quite the feast for the little guys.”

“This isn’t funny! This can’t be happening to me…”

“Sir, I’m going to need to know a few more things to establish the extent of your infestation and to determine treatment. Can you give me a before and after measurement for your penis?”

“Are… are you serious?”

“Sir, I’m going to need you to keep up with my questions here. An infestation of this size could be spreading while we speak. Now tell me the former and current size of your penis and testicles?”

“Well… uh… before it was about six inches, maybe six and a half…”

“That sounds to me like six. Okay, and now?”

“Now… I don’t have a tape measure or anything…”

“Not even to measure your biceps?”

“I… Well, it’s shorter than… than my pinky finger…”

“Yes, that checks out. Sir, can you describe the current state of your body? What’s your body composition?”

“It’s… I mean, what do you want me to say?”

“Well, I’m assuming before you were a big muscley brute, am I correct?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Were you one of those big veiny guys or were you a big pillowy fellow? Big muscles that look like you can squish?”

“I was offseason, so… I mean, I held more water weight and a little higher fat than when I compete.”

“And now? Are you chubby? Do you still have a muscular physique, just shrunken to a smaller size?”

“I’m skin and bones! It looks like I haven’t eaten in weeks!”

“Sir, your voice gets really shrill and squeaky when you get upset, so I’m going to need you to calm down. Now tell me, sir, do you have any new furniture in your house? Did you get anything from Goodwill perhaps?”

“No, I don’t… Well, I bought a treadmill from the internet, some gym in Russia closed down and sold it for really cheap… So I could do cardio in the morning...”

“Oh, wow. Russia has had an enormous outbreak of myosites. Sir, myosites are nearly invisible to the naked eye and there could be millions of them swarming your home. A transformation like yours would really only occur so quickly after a massive buildup in one place. How long ago did you get this treadmill?”

“A month, I think… Six weeks?”

“Oh Lord. (Jeannie, call the BioHaz team! We’re going to have a big cleanup on our hands.) Sir, since you got this treadmill, have you spent any time around other individuals of the size and shape that you were in?”

“Well, yeah! I go to the gym every day, twice a day! I’m a trainer!”

“Well, with any luck sir, we can help you maintain that business. I’m guessing if you explain to clients why you’re a quarter the size you were before, maybe they’ll understand that you still have the expertise you once did. The bad news is there’s a good chance your gym may be infested too. Excuse me sir, one moment. (What’s that Jeannie? Oh, good lord. All from the same place? Where is it? Okay let me check.) Sir, by any chance is your gym Global Gym over on 7th and Madison?”

“Yes, why?”

“Well, it seems we’ve had over a dozen calls today. Big guys like you all waking up scrawny little weaklings. We’re going to have to quarantine all of you and spray your houses, probably demolish the gym. Hold on, we’re tracing your call right now, we’ll have a team over to your house in just a moment. Sit tight. (God, Jeannie, we’re going to need some earplugs. All those tiny guys with their squeaky little voices in the same place, it’s gonna be like friggin munchkin land!)”

“Excuse me? I can still hear you!”

“What’s that? Oh, sorry sir. I’m very sorry. Please hold.”