Looong update time!!! Woo!!! :D

Hey guys! This update's a long time coming. The last post I made on here was quite hopeful, and for good reason. Acknowledging my issues publicly has allowed me to make new forms of progress that have me more hopeful than ever. Attached to this post is a 15~ minute video-ramble clarifying my progress alongside some Medic gameplay. The first 3 minutes are a little mopey, but hey that's life! I also talk a bit about my progress on the Medic video. I'm currently on the vacation that I mention in the video, and it's been everything I hoped it would be - I'm bursting with optimism!

The too-long-can't-watch summary is:

1. I'm still struggling with some form of "chronic stress" that impedes my sleep. I can't "force" progress on it, I simply must learn to relax and wait patiently for it to pass, and I can't know how long that will take.

2. Every day I have to do a 6-8 hour boot-up sequence where I recover from my stressful sleep and then do self-care/exercise in order to alleviate my stress/adhd symptoms

3. Recently, I have completely embraced this reality instead of fighting it or trying to change it. This is what has me hopeful: the boot-up sequence above isn't ideal, but at least I'm accepting it and working around it now, leading to some productivity! Previously, I refused to accept my inability to work at start-of-day and would resist it, force myself to work, and break down repeatedly. 

4. Similarly, I have fully accepted that I can't beat ADHD when it comes to my gaming "hyperfixation." I've wanted so bad to use gaming as my "break time" between work, but it just doesn't work - my brain won't let me stop thinking about gaming once I start doing it. I've started investing in other forms of free time that regenerate me in-between work, but don't worry - I still plan to game, I've just accepted that gaming and work don't mix within  the same day.

5. I would love to make videos about mental health in the future - if I end up helping myself out of this I would love to help others, and it feels very important to me to do this.

6. I'm proud to say I've made great strides in overcoming my general anxiety! I used to freak out at the idea that the neighbors would hear me recording lines, but now I just accept it. I used to become completely exhausted from my anxiety after streaming, but now I can relax while streaming and still work the next day.

7. Medic video progress has been frustrating because I could sense that my anxiety/stress was rubbing off on the production. I could tell I was writing segments that weren't authentic, but I couldn't "fix" them without "fixing" my anxious state first, which you can't force! Agh. Anyway, I'm very happy with recent progress on the video and recent re-writings of the script. Managing my anxiety has allowed me to break through several roadblocks and I'm excited!

8. As soon as I am fully confident in the script (soon pls!), I know I can bang out the last parts of the video in a month. I MAY make a stream-highlights video in the interim just to break my uploading dry-streak, but yeah, the Medic video has been perpetually on the edge of completion for a while now due to my mental roadblock. 

9. I've paused the Patreon the past two months due to mental health work and taking two mini-vacations with friends. They've been so helpful, and I feel dumb for not letting myself do something like this earlier!

10. As ever, I feel like the luckiest Youtuber ever for how patient everyone has been with me and my journey. I'm more excited than ever for what I have to give back to my community and the internet as a whole! We're all gonna make it :) Thank you everybody!!!