Hard Digest September 5: Early Access Goldfinger, Recession Indicators, Trump, and More

Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He’s Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain Version

By Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal hit “Superman” was in no way or shape inspired by Dean Cain’s portrayal of the superhero, confirmed sources.

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that when I was writing ‘Superman’ it was in no way influenced by Dean Cain’s portrayal. It was purely inspired by Christopher Reeve, aging anxiety, and skateboards. The only thing Cain has inspired in me is my gag reflex when I look at his bloated head,” said Feldmann. “I know the timing looks weird with ‘Hang Ups’ coming out right after ‘Lois and Clark’ ending, but neither myself or anyone in the band would ever want to pretend to be a washed up z-list racist.”

Goldfinger fans reacted to the announcement with an overwhelming sense of relief.

“Oh thank fuck he got that all straightened out, because if I had to equate the greatest ska song of all time with a fat, source material betraying, ICE cosplaying dork, I wouldn’t be able to bing myself to play ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skateboarder’ ever again,” said fan Devin McCallister. “Now I can safely imagine myself in the shoes of David Corenswet, Henry Cavill, Chris Reeve, Tom Welling, Tyler Hoechlin, Brandon Routh, George Reeves, and Nicholas Cage in that abandoned Tim Burton project when I crank ‘Superman’ at full volume on my way to work.”

Cain responded to Feldmann’s post to defend his portrayal of Superman.

“Oh it must be soooo nice to be culturally relevant decades after your prime, mister fancy ska man. YOU try playing second fiddle to Teri Hatcher despite being cast as the most famous superhero of all time, okay,” said Cain in a 2 a.m. rant on X. “I am just as much the embodiment of Superman as all the others, and I’m sure the real life Kal El would be totally cool with rounding up immigrants and slowly tackling obstacles courses at ICE training facilities. Please someone write a song about me!”

Feldmann also followed up his post with a heads up that if anyone came across the early demo of “Superman” called “Hercules,” he was referring to the Disney film and not Kevin Sorbo.

Recession Indicator? Our Entire Economic System Is Based on the Exploitation of Laborers for the Surplus Value Their Labor Creates

By Stephen Bell

Everyone these days is looking for recession indicators. Things like the price of Arizona Iced Tea, inverted yield curves, and the death of any and all hope for a better tomorrow have got investors and consumers alike all shaken up. I recently came to realize that there was one bigger issue at hand.

I was doing the math the other day, and I realized something: without the labor I was doing, my company couldn’t make any money! I figured that parts+labor=cost of the service being provided. Except that the amount charged in total was more than what I was paid in labor. Parts won’t change in price, though, which means there was only one way to create more profit, by underpaying me for my labor!

Why hasn’t anyone pointed this out before? Or better yet, why does everyone put up with this? I mean, those billionaires didn’t make all that money on their own, but for some reason, they get to keep all of it. Everyone’s talking about the recession, but I’d have plenty of money if it hadn’t all been taken away by my boss.

What makes it even worse is that because I’m an hourly employee, it means that working harder doesn’t mean any increase in pay for me. I get paid the same no matter how hard I work. Yet my boss keeps demanding more out of me. It’s almost like he’s been aware of this the whole time. Have other bosses figured this out as well? I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I’m slowly beginning to suspect that business leaders collaborate in order to make sure their employees get as little of the profits as possible.

That’s why I’m suggesting a new idea in which workers come together in order to take those profits and control the businesses themselves. It’d be like worker-controlled capitalism but run as part of a communal system. We could call it “communalism,” or “commpitalism” or something, still workshopping the name. I just can’t believe I’m the first one to think of this! There are a lot of bugs to work out, but it can’t be worse than what we have going now.

Trump Disappointed Nazi Playbook Has Very Few Pictures

By Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Trump complained that the manual that details how to operate a fascist regime was “boring” due to the lack of images, according to frustrated staffers tasked with getting him to read.

“Look at this thing,” said Trump, dropping the thick volume on the Resolute desk. “Hundreds of pages to say what? Militarize this, consolidate that, scapegoat so-and-so. Believe me, I get it. People keep saying, ‘Sir, sir, you really need to read the playbook.’ Listen, I have one of the greatest brains. You need a world-class brain like mine to do the weave, as I call it. My uncle also had a world-class brain. He founded MIT, after all. This playbook, though…It’s just page after page of nothing but tiny little words. Would it have killed someone to write some pictures in there?”

White House staff assistant Mary Elise Witkins is on the team assigned to finding ways to make the president engage with the material.

“We’ve tried everything, but he just doesn’t like to read. Or can’t read?” said Witkins as she worked on scenery for an upcoming educational puppet show for the president. “I’ve tried reading it to him, but he just looks at his phone or falls asleep. He asked for pictures so we generated a bunch of AI illustrations, but he complained the Nazis didn’t look muscular or tough enough. We also spent big money producing a pop-up book version—the sieg heiling was very impressive—but it got no reaction from the president.”

The Heritage Foundation’s Gordon Sprague argues that Trump doesn’t need to bother with reading things like the Nazi Playbook.

“President Trump would only be wasting his time if he sat down to read,” said Sprague while browsing German World War II memorabilia on the dark web. “Trump is a natural—a savant even—when it comes to sadism. He’s never needed to study how to effectively place the state’s boot on the neck of the populace—this kind of cruelty is self-evident to him. It’s as though it’s written into his DNA. Sometimes we’ll give him a little pop quiz such as, ‘You see a poor person begging for a sip of water. What do you do?’ He always nails it. The answer, by the way, is to abduct and beat them.”

At press time, a breakthrough had been made after excerpts of the text were spelled out in sesame seeds on the tops of Trump’s hamburger buns.

Mastercard and Visa Clarify That Lesbian Porn Still Okay

BY Amity Gilmour

NEW YORK — In a joint press conference, Mastercard and Visa reassured the global community today by confirming that lesbian porn was still very much allowed.

“We’ve heard you loud and clear,” said Mastercard’s CEO Bill Jackoff. “Seriously. It’s all we’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. Just a bunch of whining and yapping about how we’re ‘stealing your livelihood’ or ‘carrying out the work of far-right freaks who’ve never known the touch of another human being’. And I’m here to tell you to chill out. Lesbian porn isn’t going anywhere.

Jackoff’s reassurances come at a pivotal moment in the gaming community’s battle against overzealous payment processors.

“Times are changing,” said Visa’s CEO John Blow. “But we don’t have to change with them. To be very clear, we’re only allowing lesbian porn crafted for the male gaze. Anything that isn’t two or more stacked babes with hourglass figures is getting tossed. And obviously, nothing longer than ten minutes, because who’s gonna last that long?”

While many have welcomed Mastercard and Visa’s statements, some organisations have shown a more tepid reaction to this latest development.

“It’s a pyrrhic victory,” admitted Melinda Tankard Reist, founder of Collective Shout. “Still, we’ll take it. I drove away my husbands to make a worse world for people, and I’m certainly not going to stop now.”

At press time, Melinda Tankard Reist confirmed to reporters that her next pursuit was to “ensure as many women as possible die in childbirth.”