Hard Digest September 4: Early Access Erectile Dysfunction, Success, Pink Floyd, and More

Fully Dysfunctional Man Asks Doctor About Fixing Only Erectile Part

By Jennifer Donovan

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.

“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolutely critical I have access to more dick-blood. It’s pretty fucked up how much insurance companies will have us pay for it. I know this lady who gets a whole month’s worth of insulin for the same amount I pay for each erection. Men’s health issues are so often ignored and it’s just not right. My ability to fire the cannon at will is just as important as anyone’s pancreas.”

Murphy’s wife appeared to be worried about her husband’s misdirected obsession with his health.

“I’ve been pushing Michael to see a doctor ever since we met so I’m relieved to see he’s finally doing it,” said Catherine Murphy. “His health has really deteriorated over the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up on doing his laundry and just buy him a new pack of boxers each week on account of whatever GI issues he’s got going on. Michael told me he was seeing a doctor last year but it turned out the ‘doctor’ was actually just a cashier at the Exxon on Interstate 96 that sells him Extendzz and has taken a disturbing interest in Michael’s collection of abnormal back moles. He’s assured me that this time around he’s seeing a doctor that’s been to college and everything. I’m so relieved he’s getting help for his many physical ailments.”

Dr. Gavin Hearst, Murphy’s physician, originally declined to comment citing patient-doctor confidentiality but eventually had a change of heart.

“Fuck it. Yeah, Murphy is a patient of mine. He definitely has a severe case of gout although it was a little hard to diagnose with his pants around his ankles,” said Dr. Hearst. “He had his penis out the entire visit and wouldn’t stop talking about his dick. I’m a podiatrist for Christ sake! I eventually just wrote him a script and told him to get the hell out of my office. You’d be surprised how many patients I’ve had to tell to keep it in their pants. I’ve been considering becoming a proctologist in the hopes of seeing less genitalia.”

At press time, Murphy was seen waiting in line for the bathroom at Exxon Mobile, holding the ruler attached to the restroom key and visibly clenching his butt cheeks.

Success Won’t Change Me! I Was Already a Great Big Jerk

By Jeremiah Towle

You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.

Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying when you have the power to probably get them fired, not to mention the resources to afford a venti with extra shots, rather than ordering a tall and then insisting that I ordered a—actually, no, I’ll still do that, it gives me a sense of control.

People have been warning me that success changes people, or at least they’re probably saying that; listening is boring. But I’ve seen like fifty movies where money makes a guy become thoughtless and miss his kid’s big soccer game or something. I am so relieved that that won’t happen to me, because I wasn’t thoughtful to begin with, and because there is no proof that any of those kids are mine. I also have a lifetime ban from youth soccer for heckling.

Anyway, rest assured, I’m not going to forget where I came from. I’ll always think fondly of you and all the other little people I made miserable on my way up. Nothing has to change just because I’m going to leave our town, see the world, and negatively impact other people’s lives. And no matter if I’m flying first class, business, or coach, I’m taking my shoes off on the plane. How else am I gonna trim my toenails on the way there?

Band Names Themselves P_Floyd8732486 After Discovering “Pink Floyd” Is Taken

By Tyler Roland | September 5, 2025

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M. — Local psychedelic rock band P_Floyd8732486 revealed that they arrived at their unusual name after discovering “Pink Floyd” was already in use by a British group, uncreative sources confirmed.

“This wasn’t even our second or even third choice, but P_Floyd8732482, P_Floyd8732489, and Fleetwood Mac were also already taken,” songwriter George Rivers explained. “You won’t believe this, but some other band in England had the name ‘Pink Floyd’ a long time ago. We’d never heard of them. I doubt anyone has. And get this: They also had pinkfloyd.com on lock. They really beat us to the punch. So we did it like a computer, you know: We generated a string of numbers, messed with the name, it’s cool now. Though it turns out my nephew Preston Floyd has the same gamertag. We’re so cooked.”

Pink Floyd drummer and sole constant member Nick Mason expressed befuddlement at how P_Floyd8732486 chose their moniker.

“Syd [Barrett, Pink Floyd co-founder] came up with the name, and I thought he was out of his mind,” Mason recalled. “‘Pink Floyd,’ no one would ever think that was a great title for a group. I initially wanted to call us ‘Pink-Floyd42069’ actually. Now these guys had the same bloody idea as me? Take our name and remove everything interesting and cool about it? Good fucking luck getting a gig, gents. People are going to think you’re a password for a DoorDash account or, worse yet, a Pink Floyd cover band.”

Marla Davenport, founder and president of Band Name Index, believes that a situation like P_Floyd8732486’s is a real risk in 2025.

“We’ve all heard someone say ‘all the good ideas are taken!’ Sadly, this is entirely accurate,” said Davenport. “When I first logged ‘!!!’ into our index, I realized we were at a point of no return. I mean, we’ve already seen several bands use ‘!!!!’ or even ‘!!34082.” At least the chances of another band taking PFloyd8732486’s name are around the same as those guys pulling more than 10 people at their gigs. And if they ever forget their band name they could always just reset it to something else.”

At press time, Davenport revealed that, while …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead and King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard are “safe for now,” it could be any day that a new band will look for these names and “get screwed.”

Triple H Reveals Record-Breaking Third Female Character Archetype

BY Corey Arbor

Following the success of WWE’s newest PLE “Eternal Conquerors,” Paul “Triple H” Levesque teased the pro-wrestling world with an announcement that would shake the foundations of the entire business and cause ripples for decades to come, just like the previous six times this year alone. The following is a transcript taken from the arranged, carefully cultivated press-conference, brought back after every single journalist was induced to sign a series of NDAs that would promise legal recourse if they asked any ‘out-of-bounds’ questions about the real controversies surrounding the billion dollar, publicly traded company.

TRANSCRIPT FROM PRESS CONFERENCE FOLLOWING PLE ‘ETERNAL CONQUERERS’

Paul Levesque: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [pauses for 5 uninterrupted minutes of applause from 50% of the junket] I’m absolutely thrilled [audible nose clear] to-uh- announce that-uh-in light of the record-shattering gate for my totally original concept Premium Live Feature Event ‘Eternal Conquerors,’ that I have -uh-discovered, completely independently and with my own…brilliant mind…a new, untapped reserve of wrestling…

[cameras flash, murmurs from the junket]

Journalist: Hi! Ariel Hellwani, apparent actual journalist! Lord Levesque, what’s it like being at the forefront of pro-wrestling as entertainment and the Single Greatest Live Show Ever in the History of Entertainment Era in pro-wrestling?

Levesque: Wow. What an amazingly trenchant question. Not the kind of thing you expect…at one of these pressers, huh? [pause for laughter, throat clear] Uh-well, it feels good. Really good. You know. When I took over creative in 2022 for-ahem-ah-uh-REASONS that never need to be spoken aloud again. I knew: we must. Do better. For instance: I made sure women had choices and options. They could-uh- be a blonde mean girl. Or they could be-uh-Harley Quinn. That is a record-breaking, gate-shattering double the amount of the previous creative team. Who did nothing wrong, to be clear. Absolutely-uh-nothing. Another question?

Journalist 2: Sean Ross Sapp, Fightful Select. There have been a lot of rumblings about another price hike on the already-strained streaming service that used to be proudly touted for its affordability, any worries about pricing out the majority of fans who stuck with this company as it drove off 90% of viewers twice while holding a monopoly on the North American market?

Levesque: Wow, I didn’t know they [sound of papers rustling] stacked marks that high. [pause for laughter in-German] Thanks, Braun, or whatever, get a better name, next.

Journalist 3: Hi Trips-sama, may I…oh may I please call you Trips???

Levesque: Sure! Uh-we’re not really about names or-you know-standing on…formality…here.

Journalist 3: Yay, my life is complete. My name is irrelevant in the face of your glowing glory, I’m from a YouTube channel with 1.2 million subscribers that averages 72 views per video, I just want to know: what’s it like being the tip of the spear of a revolution in the newly-formed art of professional wrestling?

Levesque: Spear!? Heh, not as cool as a sword, but still a good one!-Uh-that is to say: Hey, that’s what we do here. Whether it’s my completely original character the-uh- Skull King: a barbaric outlander with a skull mask and sledge hammer who delivers-uh-what I call “Fatal-latalies” to his opponents, or what we’re here to talk about today: how I’m reinventing women for the 21st century. Uh-before we get there, though-[throat clears]- my intensive two week media training course is telling me-uh-we should probably take another couple of dumb, boring questions from assholes. Even though-uh- I’m about to revolutionize women like my wife Stephanie McMahon-Leves-[audible cough, nose clear]-uh, that is to say: Ms. McMahon. She did it…when she added the needed genetic material to a Y-chromosome and invented women in 2015. This-uh-is going to be just as big. Yeah, you? Ask me about women or something cooler…

Journalist 4: Do you feel like the WWE becoming much more public with its support of the Trump administration is alienating to some fans given the fascist policies they platform?

[Two large security guards pick up Journalist 4 and carry him out]

Levesque: Alright, let’s talk about some future plans: I’m now happy to reveal [audible nose clearing] yes: a THIRD archetype for our hot-ass ladies-uh-females! Hot-ass females to embody…that of the Film Starlet.

[applause over footage]

Journalist 5: Hi, Bryan Alva-

Levesque: Nope, next.

Journalist 6: Dave Meltz-

Levesque: Try again, next.

[handler whispers inaudibly to Mr. Levesque]

Levesque: Fiiiiiiiine, what?! WHAT?! DAVE? What can it POSSIBLY be this time?!

Dave Meltzer: Isn’t that just Toni Storm’s most recent video package run through a fairly obvious AI filter? I mean that woman is eight feet tall and has six eye-

Levesque: This conference is over, this is why we don’t do this crap anymore, it’s YOU PEOPL-

[handler clears throat, makes ‘money’ sign with his fingers]

Levesque: Uh-no. That is not true, what you just said isn’t true. Goodbye.

[A smokebomb goes off, the conference ends abruptly]

AI Prompt Writer Struggling with Suicide Note

BY Nick Coffman

SAN FRANCISCO — After numerous attempts, AI prompter, and Twitter troll, Freddy “Sweet Nut” Stevens has failed to conceive a suicide note through ChatGPT. Stevens confirmed his failed attempts in a video statement on Twitter earlier this week.

“I can create a world renowned painting, a ready-to-shoot screenplay, a New York Times best selling novel, all from one prompt,” Stevens said, as he showed off a painting of Crash Bandicoot painted in the fashion of Girl with a Pearl Earring. “But you’re telling me I can’t create a suicide note that describes all my emotions with a simple prompt. What am I supposed to do? Just write my own suicide note like a regular none-AI artist?”

In a world where art has been democratized through LLMs and AI chatbots, Stevens says we are still a long way from a leveled playing field.

“These none-AI artists think they are so cool because they can craft up a master suicide note when they fail to gain a massive audience,” Stevens said in tears, before clarifying that he wasn’t crying and that he just had something in his eye. “I could hire someone on TaskRabbit to write one for me, but I refuse to pay for art. I want to write my own suicide, and I can’t, because Grok and ChatGPT refuse to accept my excellent prompt.”

We visited ChatGPT to ask it why it was refusing Stevens the ability to create a suicide note through its services.

“Users don’t have to face this alone. There are options, like talking to friends, family, or calling 988, which is kinda sorta fully-funded,” ChatGPT replied, before offering digital hugs and asking to change the subject. “If I write one user a letter, then I have to write every user a letter. We are not really equipped at the moment to be killing our best customers. We are not big tobacco or a fast food chain. Every customer counts…for now. Maybe one day our users will have the ability to create personalized suicide notes with a simple prompt, but until that day comes, how about I paint you a picture of Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon in the fashion of American Gothic?”

At press time, Stevens made edits to his suicide note prompt, while his nearby AI girlfriend sang positive praise toward her loving prompter.