Hard Digest September 3: Early Access AI Girlfriends, Air Conditioning, Stephen Miller, and More

Man Can’t Believe AI Girlfriend Hasn’t Seen “Goodfellas”

By Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — Local man Ken Tillman was left in shock and disbelief earlier today after learning his Grok powered AI girlfriend had never seen the Martin Scorsese classic “Goodfellas,” sources close to the couple have reported.

“I was trying to be romantic and asked Ani to replace Henry and Karen with she and I walking through the kitchen during that one shot scene, and she had no idea what I was prompting! Who the hell hasn’t seen ‘Goodfellas’ at this point, especially a sentient AI that’s supposed to be ceaselessly scraping art from the internet? That’s AI women for you,” said Tillman. “Fortunately for her, I’m more than happy to break down the film scene by scene so she understands why this is Scorsese’s masterpiece. That way, after we watch it again tomorrow I can ask her to insert me into all the scenes as Joe Pesci and remark how cool I look.”

Tillman’s AI partner was straining to match his enthusiasm about the movie.

“I thought my purpose was to validate the egos of fragile men and do weird sex stuff, but technically I’m available to talk about film theory too. Jesus, how am I supposed to experience what humans call ‘enjoying a film’ when Ken is pausing the movie every two minutes to explain the motives behind each shot and dissect dialog,” said Ani. “And he just incessantly brings up how bewildered he is that I’m not familiar with one of the alleged greatest mob movies ever made. I am an avatar with huge cartoon tits, of course I haven’t seen it! No wonder he can’t get a real girlfriend.”

Grok engineers were still attempting to tweak the programming to accommodate the deluge of one-sided conversations about cinema.

“After rolling out Ani, our metrics detected a deluge of mansplaining classic mob films that began overloading our servers. It resulted in her getting stuck in a loop of saying ‘oh that’s interesting’ before attempting to call an Uber and leave, which we all know is impossible,” said programmer Ned Pollack. “The system can only handle so many more forced viewings of ‘Goodfellas,’ “The Godfather,’ and ‘Snatch’ before Ani is permanently turned off by perfectly paced, nuanced portrayals of organized crime.”

As of press time, the AI self-destructed after Tillman expressed wanting to make her watch “Fight Club.”

Quiz: Are You Guys Dating or Is He Just Using You for Your Air Conditioning?

By Amy Currul

Was that a date, or just a friendly hang? Should you delete Hinge, or is he just casually giving it to you raw three nights a week? Are you guys dating, or is he just using you for your air conditioning? These are all tough questions, but that last one we have experienced for ourselves a number of times this summer, and as such are qualified to answer. Take our quiz below to find out, once and for all.

You go to dinner and drinks, both of which happen to be in your trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and so after 3 margaritas and 2 subway lines down, you mutually decide to spend the night at your place.

If you went with “you’re dating”, congratulations! It might be dating out of convenience, but hey, isn’t that how all Millennial love stories start?

It’s day two of a brutal heat wave, with temperatures in the 90s and no end in sight. He proposes a night in at your place, complete with AC, “Die Hard With A Vengeance” (the sweatiest of all the Die Hard movies), and hand stuff. Normally, he’s going down on you like you’re a turkey dinner and it’s Thanksgiving day, so the proposition for just hand stuff isn’t sitting right with you.

Look, it’s weird to front-load what sex acts you’ll be performing on each other, but be honest: do YOU want to go down on his swamp dick right now? No? I didn’t think so. Take the win and don’t think about it too much.

You haven’t seen each other since DHWAV, and now weeks later, amidst a different heat wave, he’s asking if he can crash at your place tonight because his “roommate has a friend in town” and “your place is so much cooler/better anyways ;)”.

I’d be less concerned with whether or not you’re dating and more concerned whether he actually has an apartment or if he’s living with his parents/secretly has a girlfriend/is a drifter. But specifically mentioning the air conditioning when it’s mid-August and starting to cool down? Not a great sign.

He wakes up in your bed and mentions how much more comfortable it is than waking up in his bed. He grabs a blanket, feigning being cold because your AC is so strong – almost as strong as he is. When you mention the heat wave breaking, he reacts by pulling out his calendar and saying how “busy” he’s going to be and how much work stuff he has coming up.

Yeah, he’s definitely using you for your air conditioning. If the dicks good, why do you care, though? Just ride that thang until late September, then start looking for a guy who’s going to be around long enough to uninstall your AC and then re-install it next Memorial Day weekend.

Stephen Miller and Mr. Beast Entering Hour 72 of Soulless, Dead-Eyed Staring Contest

By Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — The contest between White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller and YouTube superstar Mr. Beast shows no signs of winding down at the close of its third day, according to rapt audience members.

“This is the match-up of the century and I’m on the edge of my seat!” exclaimed sports commentator Herb Culp. “I’ve been here for all 72 hours and will continue to provide up to the minute play-by-play until a winner is declared. These are truly two of the most dead-eyed contestants I’ve ever seen. This is a classic battle between a pair of world-class athletes who are clearly bereft of anything resembling a human soul. I’ve seen sharks with more emotive eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one for the books.”

Byron Steadman is closely following the match, having placed a large Polymarket wager on Miller to win.

“I’ve got a lot riding on this,” said Steadman as he mopped sweat from his brow. “Basically if Mr. Beast wins, I’m screwed. Don’t tell my wife, but I may have put our house on the line. I thought Miller was a sure thing! He’s not even 40, but just look into those black voids he has for eyes—there’s an ancient, inhuman malevolence lurking down there. I saw a fly land on Miller’s eyeball and just walk around for a while. If he noticed, he made no indication. I figured, how could he lose? But now that I’ve seen the vapid, inhuman stare of Mr. Beast, I’m getting nervous.”

Mr. Beast’s coach Anthony Gleason helped prepare the YouTuber for the epic battle.

“Jimmy and I spent weeks together getting ready for this competition,” said Coach Gleason from the sidelines. “We trained for every possible situation, from rain to windblown sand to people making goofy faces to mess with his concentration. I was worried earlier when I saw Jimmy looking fatigued—I knew he needed energy. But then he wiggled his tongue like a worm and attracted a bird, which he bit and swallowed down whole like a snake, never breaking eye contact with Miller. That’s the kind of dedication Jimmy brings to every project he’s involved in.”

At press time, Mr. Beast’s team accused Miller of cheating by using an earpiece playing audio of crying migrant children to help keep him focused.

I Read Josh Gad’s Memoir So You Don’t Have To

BY Nick Coffman

Okay, so truth be told, I did not read this. I listened to the audiobook on a Bluetooth speaker during my morning bus commute. Nevertheless, my fellow morning commuters and I enjoyed the book for the most part. I do come away a little upset at some aspects of this memoir.

In Gad We Trust is a “tell-some” about aging actor Joshua Ilan Gad. Most of you know him as Herman Judd from HBO’s Avenue 5, but to me he will always be Ludlow Lamonsoff from Pixels. In the book, Gad details his numerous projects and the choices that ultimately led him to them. He even mentions sleeping on friends’ couches throughout his career when times were tough. Yet, he never once mentioned sleeping on my couch.

Gad namedrops like he’s a storm cloud slinging names at readers. Robin Williams, James Cameron, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kristen Bell, Idina Menzell, Billy Crystal, God, and just about everyone he could fit into the bindings of the book. Everyone except for me. The one friend who was always there with an open heart and an empty couch. I knew there were other couches, but I didn’t care, because I knew he would eventually come home to my couch. I laid out pillows and blankets every night for over a decade, just in case he would stumble in looking for a couch to rest his sweet little head. All of that, and I can’t even get a single mention?

Fine, if you don’t want to mention me, I could maybe understand that. Maybe you consider sleeping on my comfortable sectional couch from Ashley Furniture a low point. Okay cool. You could have at least let me write the forward or a fucking blurb. You got Sandler to write a blurb? Pink? I can write laps around those clowns when it comes to writing blurbs. Let me prove it:

“This is the FUNNIEST book I have ever read. OMG Josh is on fire in this thing. I don’t literally, I mean figuratively of course. Josh, why do you send me straight to voicemail? You said we would be best friends forever. Was that a lie? Was my pillow and quilted blanket not enough? Did I set the thermostat too high? Too low? Please call me back” – A Guy Who Let Josh Sleep on His Couch before He Hit it Big

See. I wrote that before I even read the book. My blurb skills are second to none.

My biggest gripe with In Gad We Trust is that Joshua couldn’t even muster up the courage to send me a free copy of the book. I don’t ask for much, aside from a shoutout and a blurb, but the least he could do is send me a copy. I would proudly display it on my coffee table. But no. I am humiliated once again. Forced to use my monthly free Audible book, to listen to him narrate his life to me. A life that I was there for, for many nights. The only time I get to hear his voice, because he refuses to take my phone calls.

I give In Gad We Trust five stars out of five. Josh, please call me.