Hard Digest September 2: Israeli Settlers, Early Access Genres, Crazy Town, Bubbletape, and More

Israeli Settlers Wondering if America Could Send Some of Those Smallpox Blankets They Used When Stealing Land From Native Americans

By The Hard Times Staff

NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.

“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of the United States. They did an excellent job at eliminating entire populations, and then corralling anyone left into undesirable land with no natural resources,” said Israeli settler Lavi Edri. “We don’t even need a lot of the smallpox blankets. We just need a few boxes. The people here have no immune defense against the virus, so it should tear right through them. Then my family and I can move right into their house. It’s so simple. We will just have to burn some of their belongings in the street out front, but that’s easy.”

Palestinians fighting against Israeli occupation worry that the requests of the settlers might be met.

“Governments around the world are sitting on their hands doing nothing as Israel starves an entire nation in front of their eyes, so why wouldn’t they offer a cheap and effective way to kill us? I know biological warfare is against the Geneva Convention, but they have no problem violating those terms,” said Mohmmaed Al Najjar. “Maybe we will get lucky, maybe those blankets aren’t as effective 250 years later. But they would probably spray them with some new super strain of the virus anyway. Shit.”

Benjamin Netanyahu encouraged President Trump to send the blankets with the next delivery of artillery.

“As much as we love American bombs killing Palestinians, we also love American diseases killing them. Please President Trump, use your giant brain and send us all the smallpox you can. Spray it on American flags and we will distribute them to all Palestinians living on occupied land so they can know how dominant America is,” said the Prime Minister. “We cannot wait to have our own Trail of Tears which we will call the Trail of Triumph for all the people of Israel. Our brave settlers will be able to watch people march to their own death and it will be a great honor to have America leading the way.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen personally ingesting the last few smallpox cultures being stored at the CDC.

Band Not Cool Being Associated With Genre They Sound Exactly Like

By Mark Shady

COOS BAY, Ore. — Members of Shivtank made it perfectly clear that they were absolutely not cool being associated with the nu metal genre despite sounding exactly like it, confirmed sources.

“I think it’s easy to hear our down-tuned Ibanez guitars, our MC’s lyrics, and the fact that half of our band consists of former members of Coal Chamber, and pigeonhole us into quote, unquote, ‘nu metal,’” began bassist Mo Jacobsen. “But you have to remember, a lot of what our rhyming vocalist does is called ‘scatting,’ which is strongly influenced by and finds its roots in jazz. You can hear many examples of this in our new one, ‘Blood Blister,’ which we’re gonna play tonight to all seven people that are here.”

Music blogger and lifelong listener Blake Soderstrom expressed his concern that his past judgements about the band were misconstrued.

“When I wrote that Shiv sounded like a perfect mesh of Korn, meets Papa Roach, meets early Linkin Park, meets SA Martinez if he were a crying baby, meets a 13-year-old boy going through puberty, to me that means an entirely new kind of metal. A new metal, if you will,” stressed Soderstrom. “It doesn’t necessarily mean nu metal, but yeah, they’re nu metal. I even catch them wearing JNCOs and chain wallets from time to time. Let’s be real, no one is mistaking you for being in an indie folk band with that kind of fashion.”

Music historian Art Kimmel noted how surprisingly common this phenomenon was.

“It’s easy to look at these guys in full Adidas track suits, while their drummer sports a Chewbacca mask onstage and label them as ‘delusional,’” stated Kimmel. “But the truth is, this happens all the time. The worst case I’ve seen of Genre Derangement Syndrome, or GDS, was an emo band named The American Anthemists. Their lead singer hit higher notes than Brendon Urie and their monster popular hit was titled, ‘I’m Actually Glad You Pissed The Carny Off And We’re Stuck on This Perpetual Ferris Wheel Because I’ve Never Seen Your Hair Blow From This Height.’ And these guys were convinced they weren’t emo. We finally talked them down but it took a whole lot of depression meds and letting them write an entire album about the experience.”

At press time, the band tried to prove one last time that they weren’t nu metal by releasing a heavier cover version of George Michael’s “Faith.”

Incredible! Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” Enjoys Its 1,290th Consecutive Week at the Top of the Charts in Jacksonville

By Kyle Donley

To the rest of the world, Crazy Town were but one of many rap-rock one-hit wonders from the early ‘00s, their’s being the salacious, Red Hot Chili Peppers-sampling anthem “Butterfly”. However, to the fine townsfolk of Jacksonville, FL, one hit is all you need.

With a sweet refrain of “Come my lady, come come my lady”, the song has served as a rallying cry for Jacksonville’s weary and horny for nearly 25 years running, earning the Los Angeles-based band an unprecedented amount of Jacksonville-specific accolades, including a chocolate starfish on the Jacksonville Walk of Fame, statues of each band member on the front lawn of the capitol building, and their own dedicated wing in the Wet T-Shirt Museum & Educational Center.

Perhaps more impressive may be the 1,290 weeks “Butterfly” has spent at number #1 on the Jacksonville charts. While not entirely a sovereign nation, Jacksonville has fought hard as fuck for its freedom and has justly won the right to fully govern its own pop charts, as well as any Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. locations within county lines.

Insular and largely unexplored by the rest of the world, the ranking system measures songs based on more intangible metrics such as “fuckability”, “getting fucked-upability”, and “fuuuuuck yeah”. Needless to say, Crazy Town are The Beatles of “fuuuuuuck yeah”.

Beanis from “Beanis In the Morning” on 97.8 The Jack believes ultimately the song’s true staying power is its message. But when we asked him what he thought the message was, he was already firing up the grill and tossing us Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas. It was a pretty cool time.

However, with the tragic passing of frontman Shifty Shellshock this past year, commonly referred to as “Jacksonville’s 9/11”, this tight-knit community has been left to pick up the pieces, one tailgate at a time. A scholarship fund has been founded in Shifty’s name at DeVry University (White Palms Mall location only), and there’s even been talk of a Crazy Town reunion show. Per local sources, noted Jacksonville scientist Matt is close to perfecting a hologram of the singer by using a complex series of laser pointers and a dope-ass chest piece of Shifty’s face that his friend Kyle got.

With technology on their side and a booming belly button jewelry economy, Jacksonville remains a beacon of hope in an ugly, modern world where “Butterfly” is only played at strip clubs or from a construction worker’s portable JBL speaker. Maybe we could all learn something from this Crazy Town they call Jacksonville.

Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes He’s Now the “Them” Bubble Tape Is Not For

By Jerrod Kingery

ST. LOUIS — Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the “them” the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.

“There I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: ‘Six feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!’” Bakos lamented. “I was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought I’d live to see the day to be the ‘them.’ As a side note, I’m pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully that’s a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.”

Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the company’s precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.

“That this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,” Williamson said. “Of course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think he’d best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.”

Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.

“As we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,” Morales said. “And now as we’re seeing these ‘80s and ‘90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that ‘The Dark Knight’ is 20 years old, or that ‘Family Guy’ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And don’t get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.”

At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.

Planned Parenthood Protester’s Sign Just Image of the Sink Baby From P.T.

BY Steve Packosky

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Witnesses were confused upon noticing that the sign displayed by a protester outside a local Planned Parenthood contained an image of the bloody fetus from cancelled 2014 survival horror teaser “P.T.”, sources report.

“I got here for my appointment, and of course there were protesters standing outside,” said patient Janice Kolinsky. “At first, I was intimidated by them because they were getting in my face, but then I saw the sink baby from ‘P.T.’ on one of their signs and it reminded me of when I played that game. I was scared then, too, but I kept going. That gave me the courage to push through them and into the building. I’m not sure why that person used that image, but I’m weirdly grateful that they did.”

Bystander Zack Van Arstin reacted to the sign.

“I always wondered where these idiots get the pictures for their signs,” Van Arstin said. “I mean, I get that they probably don’t play video games and wouldn’t be familiar with that character, but can’t they at least tell that the image is obviously computer-generated? They didn’t even have the good sense to use an AI image creator. Just looking at it is making me sad, but only because I never got to play the ‘Silent Hill’ installment that it’s from. I guess I’ll just go home and replay ‘P.T.’”

Sociologist Fiona Martinez has seen this before.

“People who protest outside abortion clinics are unable to grasp the concept of bodily autonomy, so what makes you think they’re capable of making a logical sign?” Martinez noted. “And this isn’t even the most ridiculous one I’ve come across in my case studies. That would have to go to the sign with the image of Sam and the Bridge Baby from ‘Death Stranding’ above the caption ‘Real Men Raise Their Children’. Their stupidity would almost be endearing if they weren’t harassing people who are just trying to receive medical care.”

At press time, another protester was seen displaying an image of the ghost Lisa from “P.T.” with the caption ‘I Regret My Abortion’.