thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 31: Early Access Metalheads, Sapiosexuals, and AI

Added 2025-09-01 00:00:09 +0000 UTC

Metalhead Wishes Suburban Moms Would Be As Afraid of Him As They Are of Black Family Enjoying a Picnic

By Dan Kozuh | September 1, 2025

KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.

“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spiked choker collar. “Now I’m out here wearing corpse paint, a leather trench coat with a pentagram spraypainted on it, and loudly playing Hellripper from my phone. Then this Costco mom asks me to watch her kids while she runs to the bathroom. It’s like Satanism doesn’t even register anymore. Meanwhile, this black family opens a picnic basket and everyone starts calling the cops. They are so lucky!”

Observers say park security was flooded with calls after an African-American family sat on a picnic blanket sharing a charcuterie.

“Wait, which black guy? The kid dressed in black or the, um… Oh, the long hair kid? So adorable. He reminds me of this guy I dated in high school who was way into Ouija boards,” said Lisa Brentwood, 44, while clutching a tote bag that said “Grace, Faith, & Coffee!” “But that family over there? I don’t know… they’ve been here a while. I just… have a feeling. As a mom, you have to trust your gut. If they didn’t do anything wrong then they shouldn’t be upset about the police questioning them.”

Experts agree that there has been a shift in American culture as to what white suburban residents deem dangerous.

“Weirdly, with the rise of Christian Nationalism, Satanic Panic isn’t really seen as scary anymore, while the threat of white genocide very much is. White fear has evolved,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at DePaul University. “The same people who once panicked over Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat are terrified of a black kid eating a sandwich too confidently. It’s not about real threats, it’s about comfort zones. And Travis isn’t the threat anymore, people of color prospering and enjoying life terrifies the majority of America.”

At press time, Garnette purchased a goat head from a butcher and lit it on fire while screaming “Sol Vive Satana!” as police responded immediately and detained the African-American family.

Sapiosexual? This Man Is Only Attracted to Girls Still in School

By Laura Lewis

Sapiosexual is one of those words that has lost all meaning due to overuse. I think that’s because the concept of being sexually attracted to high intelligence is so easy to make fun of. I mean, who’s really like that? Well, I may have just found the only truly sapiosexual man on the planet. And, believe it or not, I found him right here in my backyard, which also happens to be a Southern California community college campus.

Just watch as he goes through his daily routine. He starts with a refined breakfast of croissants and iced coffee from the campus Starbucks, where he lingers to talk to the barista but never tips. This show of European gourmand and good economic sense is followed by a trip to the library. (The library is accessible through the Starbucks, which is good, because he doesn’t have a student ID.)

Then, he takes his seat in a study pod (which he didn’t reserve ahead of time because, again, he isn’t a student) cleverly situated between the charging stations and the women’s restroom. This location is actually a great example of his intellect at work. If it were me, I’d go straight to the archives floor to find fellow misunderstood geniuses. But he knows to lurk in places all women have to go to, and is just so intuitive that he can tell which ones are smart.

Lately, I’ve noticed he’s been moving from one study pod to the next in the row each day. I think he’s sidling up to the corner study room where the mathletes meet. I hear them sometimes, too, but I could never approach them myself. I’d be too intimidated by their intellect. Plus, it just weirds me out that they’re an all-female team of previously homeschooled 17-year-olds.

Our guy would never let those things stand in his way, though. Cool and confident, he’s just too sure-sighted to abandon his pursuit of the only women in the area for whom the Pythagorean theorem is still fresh knowledge.

Watch how he scrolls Tinder while he waits, swiping left on any woman over the age of 23. A true sapiosexual, he just can’t find a lasting intellectual bond with someone who isn’t still in school. He disregards women with advanced degrees, too — those women are obviously too indoctrinated. He’s looking for that perfect balance of smart and open-minded to “everything I say is correct.”

Oh, look! He’s gathered up the library book on quantum physics along with his own book titled “The Official Rick and Morty Guide to Quantum Physics.” He’s approaching the mathletes.

Let’s hope these girls are on his intellectual level, and not savages who will mace him like those brutes from the all-girl chess club did last week!

Promising Medical AI Technology Detects Disease With Unaffordable Treatment Much Sooner

By Joe Matheson

SEATTLE — Researchers at the University of Washington announced breakthroughs in medical AI technology capable of detecting diseases with unaffordable treatments much earlier than comparable evaluations, confirmed sources.

“The technology has shown promising results in identifying multiple types of cancers, autoimmune diseases, and futures full of unpayable medical debt,” explained Garrett Wong, the principal researcher on the project. “We have been piloting the technology in lower-income areas across the US with rousing success, both in early detection and the patients’ prevalent inability to afford care. We are excited to introduce this technology nationwide in the coming months, where care is going to become even more unaffordable in the near term. We expect this AI tech will detect an average of 2.5 more years of medical payments. A huge win for insurance companies for once.”

While critics cite the added debt being a detriment to patients, subjects involved in the trials have expressed gratitude that they finally have clarity about their financial future.

“We are so thankful that this AI technology was able to detect Timmy’s leukemia as early as we did. The technology also recommended a few banks for loans to pay for it,” said Bellevue resident Norman Fulton. “Now we can use the money that we set aside for his college education to pay for the treatment. He may be destined for a life full of minimum-wage jobs, poor living situations, and an interest in ska, but thankfully he will be alive to experience it. What a miracle!”

While the technology is still pending FDA approval, government officials are confident that the procedure will be available as another popular option to diagnose diseases and financially screw over patients.

“We are encouraged that this AI tech can catch many types of cancer in their early treatable stages,” said FDA Director Martin Makary. “We’re talking revolutionary capabilities previously unheard of by the best oncologists. Kidney, breast, skin, societal, all brands, you name it. Detected so early that treatments will be quick and painless. But only if you can fork over the hundreds of thousands of dollars that it would take. And let’s be honest, most Americans can’t even afford to pay for a $500 emergency, so they’re definitely shit out of luck.”

Researchers are confident that the next generation of this AI will be able to detect if a potential GoFundMe fundraiser will be remotely successful in raising the necessary funds for the life-saving treatments.