thehardtimes

Hard Digest August 24: Early Access World War III, The Magic School Bus, Back to School, and More

Added 2025-08-25 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Trump Escalates Talk of World War III By Calling for Assassination of Scottish Indie Rock Band Franz Ferdinand

WASHINGTON — President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the “Very noisy, not very talented” Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.

“I love music, a lot of people say I’m one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Philharmonic, but when I auditioned they actually said ‘Mr. Trump, you are just too talented, the audience wouldn’t be able to handle it.’ So I quit right then and there and decided to become a billionaire, and that was easy,” said President Trump. “My main goal as president is to keep America safe, that is why today I’m deploying the FBI, CIA, and elite Marine units to eliminate the threat of Franz Ferdinand touring again on American soil. These dudes, and they are really bad dudes, played a lot of concerts during the Obama years, and we can’t let those radical leftist politics become the norm.”

Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos was surprised by Trump’s remarks.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he’s even heard of us. I thought he only listened to Village People and Kid Rock. But I’m taking this threat very seriously, I’m avoiding public spaces, I’m not letting anyone else prepare my food, and I’m definitely not taking a ride in my 1910 Gräf & Stift Bois de Boulogne phaeton,” said Kapranos. “The rest of the band members are in an undisclosed location waiting out the storm, and also writing some new music. I’ve heard some of the recordings, it’s a fun electropop throwback sound that I think a lot of people are going to enjoy, unless we are killed of course.”

Barnard College History Professor Angela Lyston believes this is Trump distracting from topics plaguing his administration.

“President Trump’s administration is still facing lots of criticism because they haven’t released the Epstein files, the start of another World War might be just the thing he needs to get that monkey off his back. Right now, Russia is under a lot of pressure from Europe to end the war in Ukraine, but this could play right into the President’s hands if a Grammy-nominated band is assassinated for political gain,” said Lyston. “Thankfully for the guys in Franz Ferdinand it seems like DOGE cuts have really limited the killing capacity of the US black ops.”

At press time, President Trump is reportedly ready to build up America’s Air Force by ordering hundreds more albums by the B-52s.

Real Life Magic School Bus? This Guy Says We Can Explore the Galaxy if I Get in His Van

By Ben Friedman

One of the best aspects of childhood was it being so natural to ask what, why, and how anything and everything existed. And for us millennials, The Magic School Bus was one of the best gateways to knowledge. Who wouldn’t have fun with Ms. Frizzle spearheading madcap adventures through science and nature? But then we grew up, and PBS was defunded. And once the magic was gone, learning felt like a chore (when our jobs weren’t taking up all of our mental energy).

Today though, the spirit of adventure and exploration has reawakened in me, and I feel that I’m on the precipice of an unforgettable learning experience just like those kids at Walkerville Elementary, because this guy just rolled up to me and said if I get in his van, we can explore the galaxy.

Everything I learned about stranger danger is telling me I’m going to be reported as a missing person, but in the spirit of discovery, I’m going to roll those dice and get my science on. Though if Dr. Bob (no last name) is right, in about ten minutes, we’re going to blast through the stratosphere for a quick but informative trip through our solar system and beyond. I can only assume the van’s windows are blacked out to protect us from harmful cosmic radiation.

I’m not dumb. If this guy told me we were going to explore the insides of some guy’s body, obviously, I’m going to be in a snuff film, and it would be a hard pass. But did the Frizz ever use her anthropomorphic school bus for evil? Of course not. I mean all the rust on the van kinda makes it look like a bus when you squint. That’s why I have to trust this man, and that the special candy he gave me will help ease my motion sickness upon blastoff.

Surely Ms. Frizzle turned a few heads at school every time she nearly got her class killed, and I’d bet the good doctor here is on a few police watch lists. But that doesn’t change the fact that they just wanted to help people grow and understand the universe. Based on the number of people passed out on the van floor, they must’ve gone beyond the asteroid belt and back in a day.

So have fun being stuck on Earth in a boring old planetarium, I’m about to experience the real deal. Seatbelts, everyone!

Report: Teachers More Triggered by “Back to School” Advertisements Than Their Students

By Ben Friedman

GAITHERSBURG, Md. — A report released by the National Education Association on school preparedness found that U.S. teachers were exponentially more likely to have a nervous breakdown over the sight of “back to school” ads than their students, the organization has confirmed.

“The report was supposed to be about how much educators and families were spending on school supplies but every teacher we presented with a ‘back to school’ flyer from a retail store dropped to the floor and threw a temper tantrum. It turns out they don’t want to go back to the classroom even more than the children,” said NEA rep Helene Thompkins. “Our study found, even after two seconds of exposure, teachers were eight times more likely than students to experience panic attacks, bargaining for more time off, or calling in bomb threats to Target demanding they take down their displays.”

Teachers who participated in the study made it clear that any ad celebrating the upcoming school year would be met with hostility.

“Are they trying to fuck with us? I haven’t even got my first paycheck from my second summer job, there’s no way I’m ready to go back, man. I just turned in final grades, why won’t big box stores leave us alone?” said 7th grade history teacher Oliver Vail. “These stores need to be more aware of how triggering their signs are. I don’t care how much of a ‘discount’ they’re offering teachers, it doesn’t change that we can’t enjoy summer for two fucking seconds before being forced to buy our own supplies to teach kids who don’t want to learn.”

PTA groups across the country acknowledged a growing shortage of mentally healthy teachers.

“We are well aware these stores are pushing back to school sales earlier each year based on how much our kids complain, but this report has us concerned these psychotic breakdowns over pencil sales will lead to overcrowded classrooms. I mean do these schools really expect us to carry the burden of buying our children’s supplies two weeks after the last day of class?” said PTA president Kelly Smith. “We ran into my children’s English teacher in Walmart, and she started having some sort of flashback and demanded we prove my son didn’t use AI to write his paper and began burning all the kids’ clothing.”

The report also found that teachers were equally triggered by “back to college” sales because it reminded them of a time in their lives when they were young and still had hope.