Hard Digest August 23: Early Access Belinda Carlisle, K-Pop, and ICE

Belinda Carlisle Officially Retracts 1987 Claim That Heaven Is a Place on Earth

By Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Singer/songwriter Belinda Carlisle officially retracted the eponymous claim of her 1987 hit “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” due to the myriad of current events that show the horrors of the world, sources report.

“I was young and naive when I wrote that song almost four decades ago,” Carlisle admitted. “Now that I’ve grown older and wiser, I of course have come to the conclusion that humanity has turned this planet into a completely irredeemable shithole. I mean, how could I not? Just this morning I walked past a man masturbating on the subway shortly after watching members of ICE tackle an 80-year-old woman as she was trying to enter a church, then I got home and saw a news report about how the world was on the brink of an irreversible climate disaster. How fucking stupid would I have to be to think heaven exists on this worthless rock?”

Fan Vanessa Gutierrez understood where Carlisle was coming from.

“I mean, of course I’m disappointed to hear this about my favorite song, but I get it,” Gutierrez said. “I was a little kid when ‘Heaven Is a Place on Earth’ came out, and it seemed to make a lot more sense then, but I guess the world just naturally seems like a non-terrible place when you’re five years old. I still love the song, but as the years go on it definitely sounds like more of a pipe dream. I suppose us fans are just going to have to enjoy the music while ignoring the lyrics going forward. At least I can still appreciate Slayer.”

Music expert Terrance Baldwin provided his expertise on the situation.

“Many pop stars of the ‘80s and ‘90s made claims that they were later forced to back down from,” Baldwin opined. “The sunnier hits in particular have not aged well with how blatant the unfathomable wretchedness of the world is. For example, after Roe vs. Wade was overturned, Cyndi Lauper admitted that girls might be more interested in regaining their right to bodily autonomy than just having fun. Obviously, things weren’t great in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the emergence of the internet and social media have really brought the Earth’s worst aspects out to the forefront. I personally think the advent of Rotten.com was the beginning of the end.”

At press time, Carlisle also retracted her claim that life is a miracle, choosing instead to call it a “shitty accident.”

If You Like K-Pop You’ll Love K-Pornogrind!

By Tim Sheard

At The Hard Times, we know how much you love your K-pop. We also know how much you love your pornogrind. Like, you really, really love pornogrind. It’s a bit alarming, actually. Anyway, lucky for you, freak, we’re jazzed to announce your two favorite genres have finally come (heh) together.

Behold K-pornogrind, an autotuned gangbang of pop, hip-hop, R&B, synchronized dance moves, synchronized hair, gurgled vocals, sexually depraved artwork, blast beats, and some good ol’ fashioned corpse fucking. And in multiple languages, too!

Never heard of it? That’s ok. Neither did we until we published this article.

Want a little S&M with your BTS? K-pornogrind. Wish KPop Demon Hunters was just full-on hentai? K-pornogrind. Crave certified bangerz with plenty of hooks? And whips? And ballgags? Nothing gets you finger-gunning and fist-fucking like K-pornogrind!

While no one still quite knows what the “k” actually stands for, it’s pretty much scientific fact that anytime you add “k” to something the world goes absolutely apeshit over it. From Kmart to K-cups to K-pop and now K-pornogrind, the 11th letter of the alphabet reigns culturally supreme! Soon, every kid around the globe will be plastering their bedroom walls with the coolest genital mutilation posters from their favorite K-pornogrind bands.

They say the Velvet Underground never sold any records in their prime, but everybody who bought one formed a band. We say K-pornogrind will also never sell any records, and everyone who buys one will be instantly added to the registered sex offender list.

And hold on to your gimp mask! You truly haven’t experienced K-pornogrind until you’ve witnessed it live. K-pornogrind is selling out basements of homes in foreclosure all across the country. There’s nothing better than seeing your favorite idols perform brilliantly choreographed dance routines to grindcore played at 240 bpm while classic snuff films loop on the jumbotron.

But on the other hand, if extreme music made by middle-aged incels who find rape, misogyny and body-horror hilarious isn’t your thing, maybe you should keep your K-pop pornogrind-free. Actually, just keep your K-pop pornogrind-free, period. And if you have children, steer them away from K-pop-punk, too. Well, the frontmen at least…

“This is Why We Do It” Says ICE Agent After Reading Letter From 6-Year-Old Saying “You Ruined My Life”

By The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing how Holsen and other ICE agents destroyed her family and ruined her life, sources confirmed.

“Terrorizing marginalized communities is often a thankless job. There are a lot of elements to this job that most people don’t see. Every day I go back to the hotel I have to put ice on my knuckles to treat the swelling because I punched someone in the head the wrong way, and a lot of times the pepper spray I use to subdue an agua fresca street vendor sprays back in my face, and that shit hurts,” said Holsen. “But then I get a letter like this from a young girl named Maria who tells me how she misses her dad, and how her mom cries herself to sleep every single night and it makes me remember why I signed up for this job. I love to know that I’m making a difference and making the lives of people I’ve never met infinitely more nightmarish.”

ICE’s Los Angeles Field Office Director Mark Reifeld says that Holsen is one of the most promising recruits he has seen in years.

“Agent Holsen has really hit the ground running. He’s constantly innovating ways to sneak up on migrant workers in the Home Depot parking lot so we can arrest them with as little running as possible. Just the other day he suggested we park around the corner and roll up on Lime scooters to catch everyone off guard and it worked,” said Reifeld. “And he took two years of Spanish class in high school, so he knows enough of the language to tell most of the people we are arresting that they will never see their families again. It’s great to have someone with those language skills on site.”

Community activist Yesenia Perez believes there is a special place in Hell for all ICE officers.

“Calling them pieces of dog shit is an insult to the digestive track of dogs. These men, and they are all insecure pathetic men, are unemployable in virtually every other field and now they get to take advantage of the incredibly low recruitment requirements ICE has. These guys are so pitiful that they couldn’t even become real cops, which takes almost no work at all,” said Perez. “But unfortunately this administration is giving ICE all the power they want, so the best we can do is hope these agents decide to blow their own heads off. But I won’t hold my breath.”

At press time, Holsen said he plans on unwinding this weekend by volunteering to euthanize dogs at an overrun animal shelter.