Hard Digest August 18: The IDF, Early Access Limewire, Slipknot, Fiona Apple, and More

Trump Says if Americans In D.C. Don’t Start Cooperating He Will Call in the IDF

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of American law enforcement agencies he will be forced to call in the IDF to restore order, sources confirmed.

“We are going to get this city back under control by any means necessary. I’ve order the National Guard, the FBI, the CIA, and even a couple of other agencies you havent even heard of, and these are really bad dudes, to sweep the streets. But if people decide to whine and complain I have a nice surprise for them, I’m going to call in the IDF and let them go nuts, they are already paid for by American taxpayers, we might as well use them,” said Trump. “The IDF soldiers are a different breed. They don’t give a crap about anything. I’ve seen them shoot children right in the face and not even flinch. I honestly wish we had more of that here. We could finally get rid of the radical left Antifa maniac children who have been indoctrinated by critical race theory in their preschools to hate America.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about the prospect of his fighting forces on American soil.

“It’s a well-known fact that most of America is a Hamas stronghold. Cities like New York, D.C., and Los Angeles are almost entirely populated by Hamas operatives and it would be a dream to come in and open fire on anyone we suspect to be a terrorist, whether they be man, woman, child, or rescue dog,” said Netanyahu. “We are working closely with the Trump administration to be able to mobilize our troops at a moment’s notice. He has already promised us the full use of Air Force One, and the same airplane that the government seized from Jeffrey Epstein.”

Officials from the Democrat party were quick to condemn Trump’s actions.

“We will simply not stand for this. As soon as we get back from our summer recess we vow to write multiple stern emails and send them directly to the official White House email address. We also promise to stand up to this tyranny by wearing a small pin on our lapels that show we stand against fascism. We aren’t sure what that pin will look like yet, but we are bouncing around some really cool ideas,” said Hakeem Jeffries. “But, also we want to let the IDF know we support their efforts to defend themselves against any Americans who fight back against them if they are to enter our cities. We stand with the IDF in condemning any forms of anti-semitism, which includes criticizing the IDF.”

At press time, President Trump threatened to declare Martial Law in the city after seeing a few Black teenagers loitering outside of a 7-Eleven.

Man Who Sold Burned CDs of Limewire MP3s Out of His Locker Arrested After Decades-Long Manhunt

By Brian Wishart

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jason Ulbrych was arrested after being accused of selling burned CDs out of his locker full of MP3s he downloaded off of Limewire while he was a teenager, ending a decades long manhunt, confirmed sources.

“Ulbrych was selling copyrighted material,” said FBI agent Norm Smith-Johnson. “We believe in upholding the law and punishing serious crimes. It took us 25 years but our team of over three dozen agents have finally tracked down the culprit who sold the burned CD that is titled with black sharpie ‘Jason’s Cool Beatz.’ We cannot have dangerous criminals selling unregulated media that contains ‘The Hampster Dance Song’ and Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre.’ He is facing up to 20 years imprisonment for his crimes.”

Ulbrych is in custody and claims that he barely remembers selling that CD back when he was young but admits that he did the crime.

“It was something that pretty much everyone did at school,” said Ulbrych. “We heard the warnings that it was wrong and we were taking money from starving artists like Metallica and Destiny’s Child. I think I put that $5 I made towards a Linkin Park album. I will accept my punishment and hope to get out of prison soon with good behavior. I will miss seeing my lovely wife each day and I will never forgive myself for missing the birth of our daughter.”

The FBI executed the raid off of an anonymous tip who reportedly is the person Ulbrych sold the CD in question to.

“I was cruising the FBI tip site to look up serial killers and other dangerous criminals for my true crime podcast when I saw a familiar description in their Most Wanted List,” said Natalie Suzuki. “Our school was mentioned and the CD seller matched the description of that guy I was in social studies class with. I saw they were offering a $10,000 reward so I called it in. I believe in supporting artists. That’s why I always listen to my music directly from YouTube without paying for a premium service.”

At press time, Suzuki has yet to be paid the reward money and the FBI is denying they ever offered a bounty on their website despite the offer still being listed.

Whoops: We Sat Down With Jason Voorhees Because We Thought He Was a Member of Slipknot

By Steve Packosky

Oh man, we really need to do more research before we set up our interviews. To be fair, we are not huge nu-metalheads, but that’s really no excuse. It only would have taken the most rudimentary amount of research to learn that Slipknot does not have any large, machete-wielding percussionists who wear hockey masks, so truly, we’re sorry about this. We just went full-speed ahead because we were so focused on all the clicks we’d be getting, and we weren’t thinking clearly. Again, our bad. Anyway, here’s a recap of our completely misguided attempt to interview Jason Voorhees.

We should have known something was up when the only way we were able to get him to sit down was by putting on an old, beige sweater and pretending to scold him like his mother did. Nevertheless, once he was seated across from us, we proceeded to ask him about his experience recording “Iowa,” only to be met with complete silence and a slowly rising machete. Suffice it to say, the interview came to a fairly abrupt halt when Jason stood up and started trying to decapitate us.

You could imagine our confusion as we were running for our lives from what we still assumed was a member of a prominent nu-metal band. It was only after we stumbled into that isolated shed in the woods and came across the corpse of our intern Dustin hanging upside-down from the ceiling that we realized this was not a Slipknot member thirsting for our blood. Apparently Dustin had been smoking grass in the woods during pre-marital sex again. We made a mental note to send his parents a bereavement basket and hid in a batch of what we later learned was poison sumac until Jason presumably got sick of us and gave up.

So yeah, we’re alive, thankfully, but that’s pretty small consolation when you’re completely covered in maddeningly itchy, blistering rashes. The worst part is, our editor is still expecting a full transcript of our Slipknot interview on his desk by next week. We’re hoping to overshadow our fuckup by crushing our next interview, but we’re absolutely going to have to double-check our appointment with that guy who recently escaped from an insane asylum where he had been kept since he killed his sister and her boyfriend when he was six, because he might not in fact be the bassist for Mudvayne.

Woman’s Morning Positive Affirmations Replaced with Fiona Apple’s 1997 VMAs “This World is Bullshit” Speech

By Laurie Bolewitz

NEW YORK CITY — Local woman Ashleigh Deacon officially replaced her morning positive affirmations with the entirety of Fiona Apple’s 1997 MTV Video Music Awards “this world is bullshit” speech, confirmed sources.

“I used to buy into the whole ‘manifest abundance’ thing and would start every morning with an organic smoothie and a cold splash of water while saying inspirational quotes and motivational phrases into my bathroom mirror,” the 38-year-old administrative project manager said. “It was this ‘fake it ’til you make it’ thing. I was trying to feel like a winner, someone who could conquer anything this world threw at me. But after rewatching the 1997 VMAs as I do once a month, I was inspired by Fiona’s speech. This world is bullshit, and it’s not worth conquering. So I repeat it every morning in the mirror, during traffic, and when trying to make small talk with colleagues at work until it finally sinks in.”

Neighbors have noticed a marked change in Deacon’s demeanor, and are grateful for the change of tone.

“Honestly, it’s been a nice change of pace, we share a bathroom wall and I can hear her every goddamn morning. You could tell she was on the verge of a breakdown,” said Cassandra Bolvin, Deacon’s long-time next door neighbor. “Occasionally, she’d half-ass mumble a brilliant Maya Angelou quote, and it seemed borderline disrespectful. What’s fascinating is it turns out that Apple also referenced the brilliant words of Maya Angelou in the infamous ’97 speech specifically. I think in order to tap into her own power and understand anyone’s work on a deeper level, Ashleigh just really needed to rediscover that this world is poppycock.”

Scientists have confirmed that vocally admitting reality is bullshit to yourself can help a person come to terms with the absurdity of human consciousness.

“Our brains develop neurological pathways at a very early age, creating survival techniques and coping mechanisms that may no longer serve us as adults,” said Dr. Phoenix Bailey of NYU’s Center for Neurological Study. “This individual was clearly attempting to rewire her own brain with positive affirmations, which only reinforced the self-abnegating tendencies that she learned in her childhood. Instead, she is now creating healthier, stronger neural pathways that better map the extreme reality that this world is nonsense. Though I must say, the section in which Ashleigh thanks music producer Andrew Slater every morning feels off.”

At press time, Deacon stated that she’s fully absorbed the information that “this world is bullshit” and plans to quote Apple’s sophomore album title “When the Pawn…”

Trump Claims Epstein Files Were Deleted at Insistence of Payment Processors

BY Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm.

“The Epstein files, which are a Democrat HOAX, have been destroyed at the direction of several wonderful payment processors, including Mastercard and Visa,” President Trump declared on his Truth social network. “They’re saying there was bad stuff in the files, nasty stuff, probably about the Clintons and the Biden Crime Family. You wouldn’t want to see it. We are forever grateful to these GREAT American companies for finally putting an end to this distraction so we can focus on important things, like making up our own economic data and deploying the military against our citizens. Every American should open a credit account with Mastercard to show their appreciation. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

The administration quickly clarified the president’s comments.

“President Trump would like nothing more than to release these files, which would totally exonerate him,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond the administration’s control, we were forced to destroy any and all material related to Jeffrey Epstein. They have found references to illegal sexual content within these files, and have justifiably requested that it be obliterated. America is lucky to have a president who respects the will of our country’s payment processors, who are quite literally the financial backbone of this nation. So unless you want to pay even more at the grocery store, then yeah, we’re going to take their opinion seriously.”

Mastercard issued a soft denial that they were directly responsible for the deletion of the files.

“Mastercard has not evaluated any documents or blocked the release of any files regarding human trafficking, contrary to media reports and allegations,” said Mastercard spokesperson Daniel McMahon in a statement on X. “Our payment network follows standards based on a cowardly form of conservatism. Put simply, our actions are dictated by what we believe puts us least at risk. We listen to religious nutjobs over gamers because we’re more scared of the nutjobs, and we certainly won’t push back too hard against a nascent authoritarian who is blaming us for a scandal that has been dogging him. Either he comes fully into power and appreciates us taking the hit for him, or Democrats manage to regain the presidency and do absolutely nothing to punish us for being snivelling collaborators. There’s no downside.”

At press time, President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had identified potentially offensive portions of the United States Constitution, which he said would be flagged for, “immediate removal.”