Hard Digest August 15: Early Access GWAR, Rambo, the Bible, and More

GWAR Roadie Scrambling to Find 236 Gallons of Alien Cum at 8:00 p.m. in Macon, GA

By Patrick Coyne

MACON, Ga. — Panic-stricken and barely coherent GWAR roadie Miles Giodarno was spotted dashing through the streets of Macon, desperately trying to secure a whopping 236 gallons of alien cum just hours before the band’s show, confirmed sources.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck,” exclaimed Giodarno through the mostly empty streets of the sleepy, southern town. “The band goes on in two hours, and they just now realized that they must have hit a bump somewhere in North Carolina, leaking ET jizz all over I-95. Now I’m stuck hitting up every big box store in the area, because apparently you can’t play live music without showering your audience in alien cum. And yes, I know it’s not really extraterrestrial semen. But that doesn’t help me to find 236 gallons of toaster strudel glaze and green food dye this late on a Sunday.”

Convenience store clerk Tamara Jenkins recalled her “vivid” encounter with the wild-eyed Giodarno that evening.

“Dude came in here like a bat out of hell. He was practically shaking. I thought he was either on something or running from the cops. Then he screams at me, ‘I need all the cum you got. No time for questions,’” said Jenkins. “Before I could pull out the mini bat I stashed behind the counter he explained how he works for GWAR. He bought up all the face lotion we had, saying maybe if he watered it down with some of the green Gatorade it would have just the right ‘intergalactic viscosity.’”

GWAR’s lead singer and metal icon, Blothar the Berserker, took a moment to clarify the whole situation.

“Look, this was just a prank,” Blothar explained. “Miles was the new guy on the team, and well, you don’t just get thrown into this job without learning the hard way. So we sent him off to fetch the alien cum, knowing full well he’d have no fucking idea where to get it. It’s tradition. We hazed him. Hell, we don’t even use alien cum in our show. Alien blood, sure. Animal cum, without a doubt. But alien cum? Nah, we’re better than that.”

At press time, Giodarno’s hazing continued after being forced to single-handedly mop the entire stage wearing only a leather g-string.

We Sat Down With Anti-Cop Crust Punk John Rambo

By Steve Packosky

Our thoughts on police officers are certainly no secret, and we always jump at the opportunity to discuss the subject with like-minded individuals. As such, while we were driving along in rural Washington state one day and came across legendary anti-cop crust punk John Rambo, we could not shy away from the chance to pick his brain. Unfortunately, and this is absolutely something we should have anticipated, this guy is really difficult to have a conversation with. Below is what little interview we were able to salvage, but be forewarned that it did not go well.

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s truly an honor to meet you, Mr. Rambo. We’re huge fans!

John Rambo: Hi.

HT: As a crust punk with your history, we presume you have the same feelings about overpolicing as we do, and —

JR: As a what?

HT: Uh, you know, you’re kind of a transient who has problems with authority, which we admire.

JR: Why are you pushing me?

HT: Oh, we’re absolutely not trying to. It’s just that your jacket has a patch on it, and you clearly haven’t showered in a while.

JR: I didn’t know I had to shower for this interview.

HT: We’re not suggesting that. We know what happened last time someone tried to force you to shower and shave, and —

JR: NOBODY FORCES ME TO DO ANYTHING!

It was at that point that Rambo pulled a gigantic serrated knife out of his pocket and stabbed our intern, Caleb, in the leg. He then ran outside our offices, stole a dirtbike off some random guy Grand Theft Auto-style, and rode it off into the woods. The thing is, we’re on a really strict timeline with this piece, and our editor was extremely insistent that we make it happen, so we had no choice but to follow him. Hopefully, we can track him down and get his thoughts on law enforcement, but it’s looking grim.

There are few of us left. Miranda got taken out with an improvised bear trap made of soda machine springs and a broken Descendants record. Dave thought covering himself in mud would help because he was thinking of the wrong movie — Rambo made short work of him. As for me, I’m currently typing from the bottom of one of those concealed pits full of bamboo spikes. They seem to have missed most of my vitals, but I see know way out and I’m getting hungry. In retrospect, I should have asked more questions before stepping on what seemed to be an ordinary pile of leaves in the middle of the office.

Conservative Christian Outraged by Woke Parts of the Bible Being Highlighted in Red

By The Hard Times Staff

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local man Jerry Whipple, a self-described red-blooded, god-fearing follower of Christ, was outraged when he noticed all of the parts of the Bible he deemed to be “woke” were highlighted in red, close family members confirmed.

“These liberal New York book publishers are trying to ram their agenda down our throats. I can’t even open my very own Bible without being told to love my neighbor, and all this preachy horse crap about forgiveness. No thank you, my neighbor is a pile of dog mess who thinks Obama is an actual American and it makes me sick,” said Whipple while hand-carving a miniature crucifix. “Then there is all this slop about how I should care about the poor. Since when? I worked hard to get where I am. My dad owned multiple apartment buildings and it was my responsibility to calculate the market rate for rent every year. Do you know how hard that is when you have these sinning single mothers whining that they won’t be able to afford another rent increase? I prefer the parts of the Bible that talk about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and saluting the flag.”

Whipple’s pastor, Reverend Scott Disshum, says he won’t bother explaining to the members of his flock that the words in red are meant to represent what Jesus said.

“Look, if I explained to everyone who came into my church that Jesus preached love, acceptance, and wanted to limit human suffering, then I wouldn’t make any money. I tend to focus on the parts of the Bible that talk about a vengeful God who wants to destroy anyone who doesn’t follow his exact orders,” said Reverend Disshum. “Fear is what pays the bills at the end of the day. If I want to keep the lights on at the church, and my Rolls-Royce running on premium gas then I need to preach the Old Testament version of fire and brimstone.”

Sociologist Amy Lane believes most Evangelical Christians actively avoid talking about Jesus.

“Jesus has really taken a backseat in modern Christianity. The most devout followers of Jesus think he’s just a white guy who came from a ‘good’ part of Italy. But we are talking about a Middle Eastern man who preached ‘woke’ values so much that it got him killed,” said Lane. “Fox News would label Jesus a ‘radical lunatic’ if he were preaching his gospel today. I’m sure he’s rolling around in his grave right now seeing how his words were bastardized, but let’s be real, he probably never actually existed anyway and all the shit he said was made up to be a form of social control.”

At press time, Whipple proudly displayed a new version of his Trump Bible with all the teachings of Trump highlighted in a tacky gold color.