Hard Digest August 11: Early Access Danzig, Vince Neil, Dating, and More

Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old Lawsuits

By Brett Olsen

LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.

“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me tell you—life was simpler back then when I had my lawyer on speed dial,” a reminiscent Danzig chuckled while refilling his iced tea. “Kids these days just want to hear songs about hellish whorehouses, infant mortality, or alien transmogrification. It’s exhausting, albeit profitable. Misfits aren’t just some spooky band—we’re a family, a family that peddles merchandise, and I deserve a bigger cut, quite frankly. Our legacy would be nothing without our deep-rooted history in litigation, and I’m excited to rekindle that flame and remind people that even us old-timers still got that New Jersey judicial system spunk in us.”

Distraught Misfits’ bassist Jerry Only spiraled as he reflected on recent events.

“I thought he got this out of his system, but I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Danzig’s generation never really learned how to communicate their feelings effectively, but this was something we had come to terms with before getting the band back together,” said Only, who is four years younger than Danzig. “The burden has always been on us to decipher his body language. I should have known he was irritable when he referred to Doyle as ‘Temu Frankenstein,’ but I pushed my luck regardless by asking if we could cover ‘Monster Mash’ live just one time. God, how could I have been so stupid?!”

Judge Gary Klausner, who previously dismissed multiple Danzig lawsuits, was noticeably cranky when he heard the news.

“Those New Jersey hooligans are bickering again?” Judge Klausner barked incredulously. “Let me guess—Danzig’s back, trying to sue the Presley estate because it was Elvis who somehow ripped him off? Or is this about the hotdog allegations? Kitty litter royalties? Oh, wait! It’s the one where he thinks he deserves more pie because he had the genius idea of tracing a skeleton in the ‘70s? What was it again? ‘The Fiendish Skull?’ Blah! None of this is about music—it’s satanic phooey!”

At press time, Danzig had a eureka moment and was feverishly searching to see if any members of Samhain were still alive and liable.

Looking on the Bright Side: Here Are Five Times Vince Neil Was Able To Drive to the Liquor Store Without Killing Anyone

By Tim Sheard

Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil definitely has a troubled history with driving. He came under fire in late 1984 for an incident in which he drunkenly lost control of his car while partying with members of Finnish band Hanoi Rocks, killing their drummer and seriously injuring two occupants in another vehicle. While Neil was ultimately punished for this transgression with a grueling two weeks in jail, we think the lifetime damage to his reputation has been a much more profound miscarriage of justice. What about all the times he made it to his destination without racking up a bodycount? As such, here are five times he was able to drive to the liquor store without killing anyone.

January 14th, 1984
Look at this! Neil, although still unspeakably intoxicated, managed to drive the three blocks from his LA mansion for a new bottle of top-shelf tequila without leaving any corpses on the road. Try telling that to the bloodthirsty media, though. They’re still too busy focusing on that vehicular manslaughter conviction he racked up later that year, as if they themselves have never made a mistake.

July 16th, 1984
What’s this? He’s perusing the aisles of his local Wine & Spirits, and his De Tomaso Pantera is sitting in the parking lot without so much as a human-sized dent? Imagine that! It’s too bad we live in such a depraved society, otherwise this would be among the most notable life events on his Wikipedia page.

December 3rd, 1983
Did the booze and sex-addled hair metal vocalist make it to the liquor store on this day? Technically, he did. Did he happen to sideswipe a parked Porsche 959 in Beverly Hills on the way? Yes, he did that as well, and without stopping to so much as leave a note. Look, we’re not writing this list to outline his exceptional driving prowess. We’re just saying he didn’t kill anyone during this trip.

August 9th, 1982
To be fair, that goldendoodle ran in front of Vince’s car, and in his defense, he tried to swerve out of its way, albeit in an extremely delayed and sluggish manner, before resuming his drive to the Martinez Beverage Center. We’ll use this example as an opportunity to clarify that by “anyone” in the title, we’re talking about humans. That poor dog, as well as the sobbing, but very much alive, six-year-old child he left in his wake, do not count.

December 04, 1984
You go, Vince! Nevermind what transpired a mere four days after this; it’s what happens in the moment that counts! You may be piss drunk on a Tuesday afternoon, arguing with the M&K Wine and Spirits clerk who says he’s legally not allowed to sell you this bottle of Wild Turkey, but you made it here without any blood on your hands. Today is your day!

Woman Only Dating Man for His Intelligence, Personality, Depth of Character

By Malia Simon

HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated.

“I can’t help but worry Matt is being used,” said Bower’s childhood best friend Jack Bucknell. “Charlotte loves him and all, but sometimes it seems like she’s only dating him for his wit, wisdom, goodness of heart, and quality of mind. Like she has some sort of kindness fetish. You know, Matt also has abs and money. He’s pretty good at tennis. He had on some pretty cool slides yesterday, and it was like she didn’t even notice.”

Bower’s father reported concerns for his son’s stability in the relationship.

“Sure, Charlotte loves him now, but what happens when a man gets a little older?” said Henry Bower. “I’ve seen it happen before. How do we know she’s not gonna just up and leave him for someone who’s more honest, more kind? More willing to give her the love that she deserves? Seems a little dicey to me. If I know my son, I know there is a lot more to him than that. For instance, he’s tall, never had a cavity, and once hit three home runs in a single game in his amateur baseball league.”

Princeton Sociology professor Mark Davis confirmed the tendency for women to choose partners based on such traits is a heavily-studied phenomenon.

“It’s a real conundrum,” said Davis. “While men tend to choose mates based on things like hair color, weight, and an internal evaluating system which scientists call ‘ugly or not ugly,’ women choose mates based on whether or not they like the guy as a person. Huh? I think I speak for all scientists when I say: we don’t really get it. We’ve theorized that maybe the female species has her own internal evaluating system, like ‘ugly not ugly,’ but for souls and depth of character. But that’s just a guess. At the end of the day, this may go down as one of the most widely confusing phenomena in science, right alongside my wife regaining interest in sex with me after I stopped yelling at waitstaff.”

At press time, Kissinger was seen refusing to put aside her all-loving and patient gaze as Bower attempted to show her his layup.

Look, I Just Don’t Think a Feral Monster Born From an Experimental Accident Can Take Down an Entire Tower

BY Steve Packosky

Alright, let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I am not a conspiracy theorist. You won’t see me declining the COVID vaccine or insisting that the moon landing was directed by Stanley Kubrick, and frankly, I find people like that to be both stupid and insufferable. It’s just that, if I’m completely honest, something about that building collapsing to the ground doesn’t sit right with me. In fact, I just don’t think a feral monster born from an experimental accident can take down an entire tower. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Just look at the buildings themselves, man. They’re built to withstand everything, from inclement weather to an accidental collision with any U.S. Army helicopter that’s trying to shoot down any kaijus bent on destroying an entire city. Do you really think it wouldn’t be able to withstand an oversized gorilla climbing it while repeatedly punching holes in its facade to devour its inhabitants? I’m sorry, man, but if you’re telling me that, you’re definitely drinking the Kool-Aid. I don’t use the term “sheeple” very often, but you’re not really leaving me with a choice here.

If that doesn’t sell you, notice the plume of smoke as the green tower collapsed in the San Jose level. See anything strange? That’s right, they’re beginning at the ground level and moving upward. If that’s indicative of anything, it’s a controlled demolition, my dude, and not the result of compromised structural integrity resulting from a gigantic lizard having gutted the building of vital load-bearing supports. I’ve talked to countless civil engineers about this. Trust me—and I haven’t even mentioned the multiple witnesses who reported seeing an army man literally planting the explosive charges at the base of the structure moments before it fell.

And consider the bank in the Sacramento level! It is a documented fact that the owner took out a large insurance policy on the building just three days before Lizzie stormed into the city and attacked it. Doesn’t that strike you as being just the slightest bit suspicious? Everyone knows the poor scientists who mutated into those hideous monsters were set up by the government to drum up public support for a war against the countries that manufactured the chemicals that caused the transformations. It’s only logical that the corporate elite was given fair warning to cover their asses before the shit hit the fan. Come on, get your head out of the sand!

That’s enough, I’m growing tired of trying to convince you of the truth, but you’re definitely going to need to learn how to approach things critically going forward. I’ll tell you about how Raccoon City officials collaborated with Umbrella Corporation to purposely unleash the T-Virus on the masses next time we talk. Prepare to have your mind blown.