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Hard Digest August 6: Early Access DUIs, The National, Band Shirts, and More

Added 2025-08-07 00:00:00 +0000 UTC

DUI From Two Beers Kind of Embarrassing

MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.

“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline. This DUI is like having an affair for two days and that’s it. So humiliating. What’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy driving under the influence? I can’t believe I have to tell the guys at work that I had my license suspended over two Michelob Ultras. See, kids? This is why you go for whiskey. It sounds cooler when you break the law.”

Perkins’s wife couldn’t be more disappointed in him.

“I mean, Jim has really let himself go these past few years. First it was a few pounds, then it was plateauing at the office, now this? It’s fucking pathetic,” said Janet Perkins. “I’m not saying I support drinking and driving. But if you’re going to do it you might as well get your car wrapped around a telephone pole like a real man. Or at least he could have plowed through our unsightly mailbox so I could use my anger as an excuse to buy something nice for myself.”

Jim Peters, the cop who pulled Perkins over, expressed his concerns.

“It’s not always popular but we have to be laying down the law. It’s a safety issue. Even though, I mean, this wasn’t even THAT bad, right?” said Peters. “Like, hypothetically, if you had crushed a six pack of Coronas at a friend’s house and driven home really fast with the cop lights on there’s like a two day long statute of limitations on that, right? It’s fine my- I mean my friend’s- body camera was turned off for a reason! You didn’t put this in writing, right?”

At press time, Perkins explained that he had received the infraction when stopped at a mandatory checkpoint coming home from a work happy hour, where he likened the monitoring to 1984, the year he got his last DUI.

Fact Check: Is That Guy From the National Really “A Birthday Candle in a Circle of Black Girls”?

By Dan Rice

It’s no secret that we live in an age of disinformation. For many years now America has been under the influence of a charismatic manipulator, whose constant stream of lies divide us and warp our sense of reality. We’re referring of course to The National’s Matt Berninger.

Berninger is no stranger to outrageous claims, which his most ardent defenders casually dismiss as “hyperbole,” Over the years the baritone indie darling has boasted of being “a perfect piece of ass,” to be “put together beautifully,” and to be incapable of fucking us over because he’s “Mr. November.” There is one claim, however, that quite literally takes the cake — in a track off of 2005’s “Alligator,” Berninger claims to be “A birthday candle in a circle of black girls.”

Make no mistake, this is not an instance of hyperbole. “I’m a birthday candle in a circle of black girls” is a declarative statement — something Berninger is presenting as fact. Since this claim wound up having far-reaching global consequences (all the wine is all for him now) The Hard Times has decided to investigate its validity.

CLAIM: Matt Berninger is a birthday candle in a circle of black girls.

RATING: FALSE

After thorough investigation and research, our fact-check team has proven conclusively that Matt Berninger is not a birthday candle in a circle of black girls. Let’s break it down:

Instant deflection
Listen again to Berninger making this claim. Before anyone can even question his outrageous statement he cuts them off with a curt “God is on my side,” a tactic clearly designed to rally support from his evangelical base. Berninger follows this with “I’m the childbride,” clearly using the publics outrage with pedophilia to bury the transparent lie he just told.

Whose birthday?
To date, no one has come forward.

Medical records
Leaked records of Berninger’s medical history seem to indicate that he is a mammal. He’s warm blooded, a vertebrate, and possesses a neocortex. Also, he needs to watch his cholesterol.

Any time Berninger has been lit on fire he has extinguished himself almost immediately
Conspicuous behavior for a man claiming to be a wax cylinder with a wick in the middle designed for slow, controlled burning, providing illumination for emergencies and special occasions.

What would that even be?
Like seriously, what is that, what is he saying? What would that even be a metaphor for? What the fuck are we even talking about here?

As you can see, the evidence is clear, and damning. If Berninger lied about being a birthday candle in a circle of black girls back in 2005, what else is he lying about? Did he really see a feathery woman carry a blindfolded man through the streets? Is it really a common fetish for a common man to ballerina on the coffee table, cock in hand? Is that man really a balloon? By spreading this falsehood Berninger has damaged not only his own reputation, but the credibility of the entire summer lovin’ torture party.

Man Pretty Confident That Another 40 Dollar Band Tee Will Turn His Life Around

By John Adkins

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.

“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”

Carlsen’s wife, however, is less optimistic about the shirt’s impact.

“Do you know how many band tees he’s purchased in the last month? He’s running us toward financial ruin!” groaned Sheila Carlsen. “We get it. You like the Black Keys. But that can’t be your whole personality! Oh! And did I mention that my closet is completely overrun with band tees? I mean last week I caught him chucking all my clothes on the floor to make room for his five new Soundgarden tees. It’s getting out of control. He has enough band apparel to make his own Hot Topic wall of shirts.”

Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.

“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”

Upon the shirt’s arrival, Carlsen put it on only to immediately realize that he had ordered the wrong size, which ruined his entire month.