Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Black Metal, King Gizzard, and Body Issues

Embarrassing: Black Metal Headliner Plays Song About Satan Even Though Opener Already Did That

By Steve Packosky

TRENTON, N.J. — Black metal band Kald Syk completely humiliated themselves by playing a song about Satan after opener Speared Side had already covered the same subject matter, sources report.

“We decided to add the song ‘Praise for the Goat’ because it embodies all that is evil and impure,” Kald Syk frontman Erik Trondhelm said before the band’s encore. “The good people of Trenton deserve to be washed clean of the blood of the lamb, and I look upon it as a duty for Kald Syk to perform such a cleansing. It seems we have received some negative feedback because one of the openers already played a song about the Dark Lord, but we cannot bother ourselves with such trivialities. We do not waste our time worrying about what other bands are doing. As far as we are concerned, we are the only black metal band that writes songs about Satan.”

Speared Side guitarist Darren Riddle was shocked and enraged at Kald Syk’s transgression.

“I can’t believe they thought they could get away with that,” Riddle said. “Everyone was here when we played ‘Soldiers of Lucifer,’ and I even saw some members of Kald Syk in the audience. They need to get some ideas of their own, man, or at least check Encyclopaedia Metallum before they write their songs to make sure the idea hasn’t already been covered by another band. Can you imagine what black metal would be like if every band just covered the same subject with their music?”

Audience member Cora Brenhardt was taken aback by what she saw.

“I never thought I’d see something like that at a black metal show,” Brenhardt observed. “To be completely honest, I was really embarrassed for the members of Kald Syk. Weren’t they paying attention during Speared Side’s set? I can’t imagine being a headliner and doing something like that, even by accident. And they haven’t even apologized for it or anything. They’re just continuing on with their set as if that didn’t even happen. If I were them, I wouldn’t even feel comfortable showing my face around this place after that. I was a huge fan of theirs before this show, but I think I’m going to have to find some other black metal bands to idolize going forward.”

At press time, Kald Syk was criticized further when their drummer used blast beats after Speared Side’s drummer had already done that.

While I’m Relieved My Son Wasn’t Radicalized by Right Wing Youtubers, His King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard Obsession Isn’t All That Ideal Either

By Mimi Kenny

Being a parent in this day and age means constantly being aware of the internet’s ability to direct your impressionable children towards hateful ideologies and your own powerlessness against its ever-present influence. I’ve heard more than my share of stories of others whose children started spouting white nationalist talking points weeks into following the wrong gaming channels. It’s no small comfort to know my 17-year-old son Caden was never led down such a path. Still, I’d be lying if I said his hyperfixation on prolific Australian rock band King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard didn’t have its downsides.

It all started when I kept hearing him talk about something called “Nonagon Infinity,” and frantically googled it, fearing it was some kind of Christofascist apocalypse death cult, only to find out it was some tripped-out rock album that you can play on an endless loop. I couldn’t even get through one full listen, so I don’t want to know what kind of federally illegal substances one would have to partake in to want to hear it multiple times in succession.

Admittedly, Caden had been withdrawn for so long, and I always encouraged him to find a positive community to help him get out of his shell. So, maybe this is partially on me. But while I know it could be worse, I also know that his going on about microtonality and dressing up like something called “Han-Tyumi” wasn’t what I had in mind. For the love of god, it wasn’t even close to Halloween when he started doing that. And it’s definitely affecting his academic performance. The 29 he got on his first ACT attempt speaks for itself.

I thought that this would be a phase that he would just grow out of after a few weeks, but then I saw his sketch of their logo under the header “Future tat”. Do I need to tell him about my Spacehog tattoo I got lasered off just two years later? At this point, I’m glad he’s not registered to vote because he’d probably just write in “Stu MacKenzie” for every election.

At the very least, I wish he’d admit that “The Silver Cord” sucks and that these guys have no business making electropop.

Report: Mom Doesn’t Think You’d Have All These Body Image Issues If You Just Lost a Little Weight

By Dom Turek

OGDEN, Utah — A local mom offered her daughter some unsolicited advice this weekend, suggesting she might feel more confident about her body if she put down the fork and lost a few pounds, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I think my daughter is beautiful just the way she is,” said concerned mother Dorothy Bell. “But I think she would be even more beautiful if she cut out carbs and lost some weight around her midsection and thighs. Now that I think about it, her arms look a little meaty, too, and her face looks fuller than it did as a teenager. I even offered to pay for excessive skin removal surgery if she lost weight. It doesn’t get more supportive than that.”

Mrs. Bell worries that her daughter’s weight gain and her reluctance to apply full-face makeup before going to the grocery store will hinder her chances of finding a spouse, noting that if she doesn’t find a husband, who will she fantasize about murdering all day?

“My mom comes from a different generation,” said daughter Lindsey Bell. “She insists she’s just worried about my health, but she also insisted I try the ‘Judy Garland Diet’ where you eat nothing but vodka, Adderall, and breath mints for a week. I shouldn’t have expressed my desire to get in shape in front of her. Now she uses every opportunity she can to bring out my old baby pictures and remind me I used to be six pounds.”

According to a dietitian’s standard, the 28-year-old daughter’s BMI is perfectly healthy for someone of her height and lifestyle, but her mom feels her daughter is just ten pounds away from “looking like Ariana Grande.”

“A healthy BMI means nothing to your mom if you don’t look good in a tube top,” said Jason Gates, head nutritionist at Zenith Wellness Center. “A healthy diet, moderate exercise, and a positive self-image can help you live a long and fulfilling life, but it does little to help your parents live vicariously through you. You thought your bodily autonomy began when your umbilical cord was snipped off, but you were wrong. Dieticians and nutritionists alike recommend you lean into the freedom that accompanies knowing you will never be enough for your parents.”

At press time, Mrs. Bell was seen suggesting that her daughter substitute the bread on her sandwich with two pieces of iceberg lettuce.