Hard Digest July 30: American Eagle, Early Access Missing Kids, Jolene, The Locust, and More

American Eagle Launches New ”Those People Are Just Better at Basketball” Ad Campaign

By Dan Rice

PITTSBURGH — American Eagle announced a series of ads highlighting how good black people are at playing basketball in an attempt at a major course correction after perceived racist undertones in their “Sydney Sweeney has good jeans” ad campaign, company executives confirmed.

“We were mortified when some people perceived the Sydney Sweeney ad as promoting white supremacy,” said AE spokesperson Tiffany Roseland. “At American Eagle, we pride ourselves on being the furthest thing from racists imaginable. That’s why we’re setting things right with a new ad series highlighting the way black men just absolutely dominate the court. Would a racist company celebrate the fact that Black people’s knack for rhythm and higher bone density make them superior athletes? I think not!”

The ad, featuring a black basketball player dunking over Sydney Sweeney, who turns to camera and shrugs as the words “Those people are just better at basketball” superimposed on the screen, is the first of many that AE executives claim will highlight the achievements of non-whites.

“This is only the beginning, so anyone accusing our company of being white supremacist better get ready to eat humble pie!” said AE Marketing director Kurth Cornworth. “Next up, we’re dropping two simultaneous ads, one about how Latinos are all about ‘la familia,’ and another highlighting how much better Asians are at math. ‘How are they going to use those observations to sell jeans?’ you ask. Don’t worry. We hired the most Jewish ad agency on Madison Avenue; they’ll know exactly how to spin it. After the check clears, of course. If you know what I’m saying.”

Much to the company’s chagrin, the ad has already been met with its own hailstorm of backlash, including from voices on the right.

“Black people dominate basketball? Give me a break!” said staunch conservative Donald Connors. “What about Larry Bird? What about all of the fantastic Russian players? This is nothing but woke white erasure, and I won’t stand for it! Larry Bird actually played a scrimmage in jeans one time, I’d like to see Michael Shaq or whoever do that!”

When reached for comment, AE’s board of directors simply gushed at how well spoken Charles Barkley is.

Photo of Missing Child Not Doing the Kid Any Favors

By Mike Maher

RYE, N.Y. — A photo being used to help locate local missing boy James Dooley is shaking a community to its core, sources who wish the child dead based on looks alone confirmed.

“It’s terrible the Dooley boy’s missing. But my lord! That photo of him is far worse,” lifelong Rye resident Agnes Vanderblue shuddered. “It scares people. They won’t go outside. Would it have killed anyone to use photoshop or a filter or something? I blame the parents. A child goes missing every 40 seconds in America. Those are pretty good odds your kid will end up on a milk carton or telephone pole some day. Sharing your poor, unfortunate-looking missing boy with the public like this isn’t just negligence; it’s abuse! It’s like they don’t even want him to be found. Well, mission accomplished! Because I’m not searching for a face like that.”

Detective Roy Berg with the Rye Police Missing Persons Unit admitted the case has overwhelmed his under-resourced department, but not for reasons you’d expect.

“I’ve got zero leads on Dooley’s whereabouts,” Berg said. “But I’m up to my dick in death threats over this damn photo. They’re not even anonymous threats! People are on record stating how upset, physically ill, and downright violent the sight of Jimmy’s face makes them. Instagram took down our posts. Zoning declared every billboard blight. We’re drowning in backlash! So instead of offering a $50,000 finders reward, we’ve doubled the amount for anyone who retrieves and destroys all photos of this kid. The response has been staggering.”

Dr. Joyce Hammer, host of true crime podcast “Weapon of Joyce,” explained the key to finding missing children comes down to one thing.

“I hate to say it, but attractive missing kids are statistically more likely to be searched for and found than kids who, well, look like this,” Hammer said. “When a cute baby or some hot-shit teen disappears, the media gets a raging ratings boner, and everyone wants to be the hero who kicks down the door of some flophouse and saves America’s sweetheart from the needle or some perv. But this kid? With that mug? You might find him, but you can’t save him.”

At press time, to generate more favorable public interest in the case, all of Dooley’s photos were replaced with a totally different, more photogenic boy.

Modern Day Jolene? My Husband Is Falling in Love With His Banking App’s AI Assistant

By Ben Friedman

Whenever I’ve heard “Jolene”, it always triggers some intrusive thoughts. Like if a bank teller can be hot enough to almost tempt someone away from Dolly Parton of all people, could my husband Jeff also be so easily led astray? Sure, his screen time is borderline excessive, but I never once believed he’d spend a second of it talking to other women.

Unfortunately, those intrusive thoughts have turned into a real-life marital crisis because just like in the song, my husband is being tempted away from me by the AI assistant in his Bank of America app.

I knew something was up when I caught him on the app at 2 a.m. sending that harlot Erica messages about opening another savings account. Does he not realize we have a joint account already? It’s like he wants to get caught.

It’s almost comical how easily she could take my man. Is the allure of some soulless AI espousing financial advice that much more powerful than being with someone who has only provided him with a loving home? I’ve eavesdropped on her speech-to-text capabilities, and it’s far from soft like summer rain.

On top of that, this autonomous home wrecker can look like whoever Jeff wants her to look like. Dolly could at least do a Jolene threat assessment, what with the auburn hair and green eyes, and know who she was up against. Is Erica a goth muscle mommy, or a green-haired alt girl? Going by his Instagram searches, I’m potentially up against a top 1% OnlyFans model who moonlights as a bank teller.

Worst of all, I can’t even tell her to leave my husband alone. I called her out after requesting “help” setting up a retirement plan, and that bitch told me to call customer support. I will take a hammer to BoA’s servers if she doesn’t stop sending my man DM’s about building equity.

You know what? Fuck this. If Jeff wants to goon over an artificial computer woman, he can have her. My happiness doesn’t depend on competing with Erica, so I’m going to take some advice from a different Dolly song and dump the dude.

Have fun talking about her in your sleep, jackass.

Concerning: New Boyfriend’s Sex Playlist Just 3 Locust Songs Long

By Joe Rumrill

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local 29-year-old Reema Cordero was alarmed to find that her recently official new boyfriend has a sex mix that is reportedly only a few Locust tracks, sources confirmed while searching and failing to find words of encouragement.

“I mean, I really like the guy, but come on, the whole thing clocks out at around a minute and 17 seconds! Not to be judgemental, but a girl could really use a song with a bridge to at least entertain the possibility she might get hers too, jeez!” lamented Cordero. “And, all due respect to Justin Pearson and company, but the BPM on songs like ‘Get Off the Cross, The Wood is Needed’ makes for some, I’ll just come right out and say it — weird fucking! No time for foreplay, nothing to get me in the mood, just blast beats, synth squeals and snarling. There are girls out there that swoon for that stuff, but it sure ain’t me.”

Cordero’s new boyfriend, 28-year-old screenprinter Steve Bender, launched an ardent defense of the playlist.

“Oh come on, first of all, this could totally be a work in progress that has been taken entirely out of context. Well, sure, it isn’t, but I’m saying it could be, is all! Plus, get this: I don’t pay for Spotify, so the ad breaks between the tracks really add a bunch of time, so…” sputtered Bender, making sure to be out of earshot of his boys. “Those ads really rack up considerable seconds, we’re talking in the upwards of dozens. That’s an awful lot of humpage where I come from. Tons of humpage. I feel like you’re not picturing the sheer amount of humpage here.”

Locust leader Justin Pearson offered his voice of support, pulling for the couple’s success.

“Hey, I’m just proud that my music could bring any two lovers together, and make them happy, even if only one of them gets to remain that way after two minutes,” said a prideful Pearson with a sly smile. “The Locust’s music may be known for short bursts, but we’re energetic, god damn it. Call me crazy, but I’d rather be with someone like that than someone who screws to a Rick Wakeman concept double-album. Sounds like a tiring time to me. Get your rocks off and get to bed, that’s what I say.”

At press time, the couple is hoping breathing exercises and meditation could one day allow them to add Napalm Death’s “You Suffer” to the mix, netting them 1.3 more seconds of intimacy.

Feel Old? This Once Popular Video Game Journalist is Now a Gatekeeper

BY Nick Coffman

DOVER, England. — Long time video game journalist and castle enthusiast, Glen Hubert, has traded in his pen for a bat to take on his new role as a castle gatekeeper.

Hubert confirmed his new role, while talking to rookie journalists he refused to let in during his gate shift at the castle, earlier this week. In that time, Hubert also revealed that he owns a stake in the castle.

“I spent a lot of time in castles previously. It has always been my dream to own one,” Hubert said before threatening to bludgeon a rookie reporter who got too close to the gate. “I would love to let all of you in, but it is just not possible at the moment. It’s a small castle, so things are a bit tight in there. We are also busy cleaning out the dungeon and ranking our favorite meads, so just give us some time to get all that done and then maybe we can fit a few of you in.”

Hubert paced in front of the gate, bat in hand, as he described what it would take to get more people into the castle.

“More money of course, but that doesn’t guarantee any of you will get in either,” Hubert said before opening the gate for a friend who was recently laid off. “I don’t know how any of you would act in a castle. You are certainly not coming in here and acting a fool in our castle. If you want to riff raff, go build your own castle to riff raff in. It’s really easy as long as you have tons of connections from other castles.”

When pressed for how individuals could eventually gain access to a castle, Hubert’s advice left many out in the cold.

“It was never that easy to get into a castle. Back when I was coming up, there were a lot of castles to choose between,” Hubert said before threatening the crowd with his bat again. “There are less castles now and even less opportunities to enter those castles. Plus, anyone who enters any of those remaining legacy castles now, is worse than the scum between my toes. I don’t have a clear cut path for those of you who want to enter a castle, but it shouldn’t be through those other castles, and it isn’t going to be through our castle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some mead to rank.”

At press time, Hubert returned momentarily to the castle walls to lift a side entrance ladder out of reach of reporters.