Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Merch Guys, Coffee, and Hooters

Dying Merch Guy Wishes to Be Buried in Transparent Plastic Storage Box

By Cory Cousins

FREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources close to the band confirm.

“During your final days you start to contemplate things like where you would like to spend eternity,” noted Bashful Dominatrix merch guy, Dudley “Scoops” Abernathy. “I thought about getting buried in the family plot next to my partner who passed, but why not spend my post-mortem in a storage box that only the likes of unpurchased Gildan mediums have tread? If it’s good enough for patches, pins, and stickers, it’s good enough for my rotting corpse.”

One of the members of Bashful Dominatrix was available to comment on the plight of his ill-fated merch guy in between cryotherapy sessions.

“We have nothing but love for old Scoopsy,” mused Bashful Dominatrix vocalist Corvus Flintwinch. “It’s a damn tragedy what has been going on with his health lately. I understand that he wants to store his remains in one of the plastic storage boxes we use for our merch, which I think is lovely and poetic. However, if we need to use the box to make room for extra copies of CDs that will probably never sell and beer koozies, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we dump him in an ashtray or something.”

News of Abernathy’s impending death reached the leadership of the International Brotherhood of Merch Guys organization, who offered valuable information regarding end-of-life options for members in good standing.

“Mr. Abernathy has always been a loyal member of the IBMG, so we would just like him to be well-informed of his options before his passing,” replied IBMG spokesman Vincent Lionetti. “It’s natural that Mr. Abernathy would want his ashes to be placed in a merch container, but for a few extra bucks we can have his remains literally infused into his band’s t-shirt so that he can be worn by some random sweaty dude at shows for all time. I honestly can’t think of a better outcome.”

At press time, Abernathy opted to purchase the concierge package offered through his union, which would still have him in a plastic storage box, but would be placed next to the drummer to be used as an impromptu stand for their laptop.

Five Tasty Coffee Alternatives To Get Excited About Before the Fall of Man

By Nick Brandt

Listen, times are tough. Global trade alliances are collapsing, resource scarcity is escalating, and it’s getting harder each day to convince yourself that war is just an “over there” problem. Even that new Netflix show you like isn’t getting a second season.

In a time of so much uncertainty, one thing is for sure: coffee isn’t going to exist in about 10 years. Over half of the global coffee supply stems from Brazil and Vietnam, and with the Amazon being deforested, the Suez Canal shipping crisis, and with Vietnam… well, we stopped keeping tabs on Vietnam after we pulled out the troops and stopped melting their forests and children, but things probably suck there too.

Anyways, here are some fresh coffee alternatives, and some old classics, to taste-drive as the empire of humanity collapses.

Postum

Postum was founded in 1895 by C.W. Post, a proud student of masturbation-hater John Harvey Kellogg. Following in Kellogg’s Presbyterian footsteps, Post founded his “instant” drink made of miller’s bran and molasses and marketed the beverage as a caffeine-free alternative to the wicked sexual energies found in coffee. Today, Postum has relaxed its pious origins and proudly operates as a women-owned and non-GMO certified business, waiting patiently to dominate the global market after our inevitable societal collapse. Today, enjoy this healthful beverage and be reminded of simpler times.

Chicory Root

Hipsters and immigrant moms unite! Chicory root has long been a staple of coffee substitutes in the Mediterranean region and was a popular product during the Great Depression. With rich flavours, and a rich history amid economic crises, it is only natural that chicory has a place in today’s crumbling ecosystem. Enjoy chicory as an additive to filter coffee, if you can afford some that is, or drink it boiled. Chicory root is caffeine-free, and if you squint your eyes and believe in yourself, it almost tastes good.

Bugmeal

If bugmeal is the protein of the future, then it is only natural that their dried and fermented carapaces will fill the hearty cups of copper scavengers. Blended or mulched, bughusks are quick to absorb the flavour of many available flavourful additives and remain fresh for six weeks in a sealed container. Meal prep it with soy and microplastics for a quick dietary supplement. This biodegradable and bowel-lubricating super-drink awaits the boldest fiber-deficient citizens of our near-future.

Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™

We had some trouble with the copyright claims here, but after Google’s claim as a sovereign state it was only natural that one of their subsidiary city-companies would manufacture a product to dominate the coffee market. Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™ isn’t coffee; in fact, it’s a bit of a proprietary secret. What we can say is that with the FDA defunded and thrown into the annals of history, there’s nothing to hold Café-Co back.

Swill

Swill is simple: you just mix whatever liquids you have lying around your bunker. River water? Throw it in the pot. That last thimble of engine coagulant? Yep, you guessed it. Condensation in the propane radiator? Rime in the bottle of expired cough syrup? The potential is limitless. A true visionary can even mix any of the article’s suggestions into a super serum that would rival the stimulants we gave horses during World War I.

Hooters Closes Stores Amid Bankruptcy as Younger Generation Favors Bespoke, Craft Titties

By Kelley Greene

ATLANTA — Hooters announced that it would be closing dozens of stores nationwide as part of a bankruptcy restructuring plan, as their customer base has shrunk due to the younger generation of men preferring to ogle less commercialized titties, confirmed sources.

“Year after year, Hooters has tirelessly climbed mountain after mountain to become bigger, better, and bouncier,” said Hooters spokesman Gregory Hill, noting that while the closures were less than ideal, the company was already looking to the future as the brand becomes less encumbered. “It’s true that our foot traffic has gone down now that you can merely gaze at breasts from the convenience of your own phone. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to meet young men where they are with the launch of our new subscription-based app, OnlyHoots. And we’re planning to accept Bitcoin for wing purchases.”

Young men, however, remain uninterested in Hooters’ attempts to gain their business, stating that they don’t feel the company truly has a grasp on today’s modern bazonga goggling.

“I’m simply not interested in paying $40 for a mediocre meal just so I can leer at tig ol’ bitties in a chain store,” said Aiden Howard, a college senior. “Personally, I’d rather have a more unique, local experience. There are tons of fantastic spots out there that brew their own IPAs, have a farm to table menu, and feature buxom servers. I’d like things to be a bit more subtle, you know? Let my friends and I waggle our eyebrows at each other over some nice looking chi-chis as the gal turns around and walks away. Let one of us order a glass of ‘mommy’ milk as a joke. Let me post a selfie with her and put it on Insta with a couple melon emojis.”

Older, more frequent Hooters patrons remain disappointed and upset by the closures.

“Hooters has been my go-to every Friday after work for the past 25 years,” said 56-year-old regular Paul Wilson. “Now they’re closing up shop over by my office because the kids these days are all gay, I guess. They spend all their time on their phones and they probably think the government should give them gazoons to look at for free. Now we’re the ones suffering because of it. What am I supposed to do on Friday nights now? Go home and talk to my wife?”

At press time, Wilson was spotted leaning on his Toyota Camry in the Hooters parking lot, hoping to get one last look at some boobies before the restaurant closed for good.