Hard Digest July 23: Starving Children, Sharon Osbourne, Early Access Gym Class, "Hey Jealousy," CPAP Mask, and More

Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein Scandal

By Dan Kozuh

GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.

“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the IDF and he’s out here talking about the 2016 election, which he fucking won. He should be posting videos of our skeletal bodies everywhere like keys being jingled to distract a baby,” said 11-year-old Khaled Hassan, whose entire family was killed at a food distribution point. “Like, this is like prime distraction territory, people love pretending to care about starving children in foreign countries. I would give anything for a 3 a.m. all-caps rant on Truth Social. At least then CNN might actually talk about us.”

Trump responded swiftly when pressed about the Israeli government’s ongoing war crimes against Palestinians.

“No one cares about those kids. I care about American babies, big, beautiful, healthy American babies, who’ve been lied to their entire lives by Barack Hussein Obama,” shouted Trump while throwing old scrapbooks into the White House fireplace. “That foreign-born, radical left socialist Obama committed treason by working with Russia to rig the 2016 election. That was a beautiful perfect election that I won in a landslide, everyone I’ve ever met say they voted for me in 2016. Skinny people, tall people, fat people, some of the fattest people you’ve ever met. So fat they can barely walk, they all voted for me. But Obama and his cronies used Hunter Biden’s laptop to hack into Dominion Voting Systems to change votes to Hillary Clinton, wife of noted Epstein pal Bill Clinton. They are real creeps. I never met that Epstein guy, but the Clintons loved him. Despite their efforts, which were vast and supported by the liberal media, I unhacked the systems to change the votes back to my name in order to protect chubby-cheeked American babies from critical race theory.”

Political analyst Rachel Palmer expressed surprise at Trump’s strategy of not taking advantage of a proven political tactic.

“Frankly, I don’t understand it. Somalia, Serbia, Syria. There’s a rich tradition of politicians frantically pointing to international tragedies involving children to distract from their own scandals,” Palmer said. “Nixon did it, the Bush family popularized it, and Clinton perfected it. Yet Trump is inexplicably blowing a perfect Epstein deflection opportunity by rehashing old conspiracy theories that lost him the election in 2020. This is amateur hour. AIPAC must be driving dump trucks full of money to Mar-a-Lago to keep him quiet about this.”

At press time, Trump again missed his opportunity for transparency, opting instead to release all files relating to the assassination of William McKinley.

Sharon Osbourne Says Ozzy Still Has 10–20 Good Shows Left in Him

By Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing for at least another year, disgusted sources confirmed.

“The man has performed with disease, a broken spine, nerve damage, partial vocal paralysis, and what I’m pretty sure was a demon possession,” said Osbourne with the stiff corpse of her husband propped beside her. “Compared to that, death is really just another logistical hurdle. I can work with this. It’s the “Diary of a Dead Man” tour and we are going to do gigs at festivals, county fairs, and comic-cons. The man has an entire untalented family’s careers to support, he can’t stop now and he won’t.”

Others in Ozzy’s circle are upset by Sharon’s actions and feel Ozzy deserves to finally rest in peace.

“The last three tours were already 80% animatronic with a whole winch system we bought off that Spider-Man musical to keep Ozzy mobile,” longtime road manager Kevin Doyle explained while blocking Sharon’s phone calls. “The man paid his dues and it is time to let sleeping dogs lie. I know she is going to find some way to profit off of his death, but making his corpse continue to tour is not the way. I’ll be honest, with everything he has done to his body decomposition is going to set in fast. Can’t she just act like other dead musician’s families and release an AI remix of Ozzy’s dueting ‘Close My Eyes Forever’ with Dua Lipa or some shit?”

While Sharon is notorious for profiting off of an ailing Ozzy, this is nothing new in the music industry.

“Exploiting dead musicians is practically its own genre at this point. From posthumous album releases to hologram tours, there’s a long, proud tradition of wringing one last dollar out of someone who can no longer say no,” said music historian Naomi Stevens, author of The Business of a Dead Beat. “If a performer dies and the family doesn’t make a buck from it, did they ever really die? Not many people know this but Elvis actually died in 1972 and ‘Aloha from Hawaii’ was performed with the help of The Jim Henson Company.”

Due to backlash from the announcement, Sharon stated that all proceeds from the tour will go to the mysterious Osbourne Family Foundation charity.

Hardcore Kid Who Doesn’t Participate in Gym Class Most Athletic Student in School

By RJ Atkinson

EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete lack of participation in gym class, confirmed sources.

“Jackson is like half frontman, half acrobat, half D student, half backflip machine. But with sick pen-drawn tattoos all over it,” said bandmate Spencer McQueen. “Every time we play a parking lot gig, there’s basically two shows. There’s the music, and there’s Jackson flipping from car hood to car hood like he’s Simone Biles. I mean you should see him in gym class, when he puts his whole body through the basketball hoop like Guy Picciotto. He could probably do some cool windmill dunks or whatever, but that would mean participating in gym. Which is against everything we stand for as a band.”

And while some are inspired by Gattis’ lack of gym class fervor, others see wasted potential.

“I just wish he’d put as much effort into the activities as he did ‘Naruto-running’ along the matted walls of the gym,” said Rick Scarborough, Gattis’ gym coach. “As a small, rural community, we don’t see athletes of Jackson’s caliber very often, so it’s tough watching that much Lebron James-esque talent go to waste. I mean, I’ll admit, the triple-spin karate kicks he and his burnout buddies do in the corner are pretty badass, but I wish the kid would go out for track. Or at least play capture the flag.”

Gattis’ supposed “wasted talent” is attracting international attention however.

“Athletes like Jackson who express their athletic prowess in, let’s say, non-traditional ways are exactly who we’re trying to honor with our new sports,” said International Olympic Committee spokesperson Claire Newton. “We’ve added skateboarding and breakdancing to the Olympics in recent years, and I’m happy to announce we’re also strongly considering hardcore dancing, thanks to intrepid athletes like Jackson. Some would call these rad new sports a desperate attempt for ratings. I’d like to call those people nerds.”

At press time, Gattis’ parents signed him up for football so he could avoid failing gym, where he went on to score three touchdowns and kicked a 48-yard field goal in his first game without breaking a sweat.

Aging Rocker Integrates Vocoder Into CPAP Mask

By Dan Katz

MILWAUKEE — Local 49-year-old musician Garry “Gax” Goodwin, lead singer of Oscar the Grouch Was Right, integrated a vocoder into his CPAP mask, confirmed sources who believe the modified ResMed AirSense 11 machine and AirFit 20 mask will redefine the intersection of health and music.

“All it took was a little research, a little soldering, and a willingness to invalidate my CPAP machine’s warranty,” Goodwin said with a wink. “My full coverage face mask converts my breathing into an electronic signal that is encoded by the AirSense machine. My phone records the sounds, and the pressurized air keeps my breathing passages from collapsing. It’s fuckin’ bitchin’. The new sounds will take our band to the next level and my apnea-hypopnea index is way down.”

Goodwin’s wife appreciates her husband’s continued passion for music in his middle age, but says his creation has been a hindrance to intimacy.

“It took both of us a while to get used to his CPAP; it’s undoubtedly a good thing. I’m so happy he is sleeping better, getting healthier, and won’t randomly die overnight because his body forgot to breathe,” Shirley Goodwin said. “Garry’s clear, rhythmic breathing became like a lullaby to me and was, quite frankly, a turn on. For a while, our sex life was better than ever. But now, it’s not so easy to roll over and give Daft Punk a spontaneous reach-around. The noises coming out of that machine are just too creepy.”

The band’s bassist, Trevor Dodge, is also skeptical, but doesn’t want to upset his lifelong friend.

“Look, I am absolutely thrilled that Gax saw a sleep specialist. He’s one of my closest, oldest friends. In fact, Garry was the first non-doctor, non-family member to see my penis. That’s why it scared me when he would doze off during rehearsal breaks and almost immediately wake up gasping for air,” Dodge recalled. “But I’m perplexed as to what this adds to the band. He’s making electronic ‘music’ in his sleep. We’re an alt-rock dad band; it makes no sense. I still share his excitement when he shows me he scored a 99 on the myAir app, but honestly, the recordings he brings to us sound like Darth Vader swallowed WALL-E.”

At press time, Goodwin was working on a talkbox add-on for the minimalist AirFit 10 nasal pillow-style CPAP mask for sleep apnea sufferers who want more facial freedom in bed.

More From The Hard Times:

“Hey Jealousy” and 10 Other ‘90s Songs You Have No Idea How the Hell You Know All the Lyrics To

Guy on Jumbotron Caught Using Cheats in FromSoft Game

BY Matt Fresh

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. — Controversy erupted in the Souls community this week after longtime FromSoft gamer Andy O’Reilly was caught on the jumbotron at a Coldplay concert playing Sekiro on his Steam Deck with cheat mods.

“This is a betrayal of the highest order,” wrote frequent forum contributor Marcus Strong. “Andy was a stalwart of this community. Not only was he always responding to others requests for help with sage advice like ‘git good’ and ‘skill issue’, but he was also one of our fiercest gatekeepers. No scrub could get past him. Any newcomer who even thought about easing into this genre with assists and accessibility settings were quickly swatted away by Andy. He cheated not just the game, but himself.”

The viral moment saw O’Reilly quickly duck out of view when he realized the camera was on leading Coldplay frontman Chris Martin to quip “he’s either using cheat mods, or he’s very shy”. It wasn’t long before the FromSoft community online figured out O’Reilly’s identity.

“As FromSoft die-hards we spend half our time online harassing people who don’t play the way we deem acceptable so it wasn’t hard to figure out that it was Andy,” wrote r/Soulsborne mod Ronald Cole. “Once we knew it was him we made sure to just pile on the harassment. He’s become a meme in the community but he deserves it. I mean he brought it upon himself, what kind of idiot cheats in such a public place? If you’re gonna cheat at a Souls game you gotta do it in secret, not at a Coldplay concert.”

The incident has become such a hot topic within the Souls community that even popular content creators like “Maidenless” Mike Schwartz have weighed in.

“Look, it’s not our business. What other players do in their private lives is between them and God but cheaters deserve to be outed and humilated. There is no greater kind of scum than a cheater. It goes against everything these games and this community stands for. If the thought of cheating even pops into your mind the only right thing to do is be honest with yourself and just go play something else. This is a FromSoft game so it needs to be given repsect, it’s not some easily disposable commodity like a woman.”

At press time, O’Reilly has tendered his resignation from the Souls community and stated his intentions to become a gamer in hopes of joing a more accepting community.